Author: 1900HOTDOG
Unlock with Patreon
Christmas is over and all you got was socks and herpes, again. Not even an exciting new strain either! We understand. Nobody gets you like we do. Thatās why weāre taking today to give you the greatest gift of all: A little recognition. Here are the grandest feats of Hot Doggery our readers pulled off this holiday season. Are you on here? You could be! Letās cut right to Jeff Orasky in the comments to find out how:
One of the best and worst parts of our site are the secrets we unearth. So often thereās a crazy hidden backstory, an insane follow-up, an unfolding drama that elevates a lighthearted column making fun of Christian hacky-sackers into something special. It is not always a fun process, as Jim discovered when he dug into the seedy criminal underworld of Devil Sticking:
Greg also risked it all to uncover the secret of whatās in womenās handbags, as so many Improv comics of the ā90s tried and failed to do before him:
While Danny DeAngelis braved certain death to suggest that Seanbaby shares certain common traits with a mystical karate Pied Piper:
jesse havlin informed us about the rich and storied world of Gor which, fun fact, stands for Gross Orifice Reaming:
And sissyneck gave us a little peek into his home life. Aw, little Traytonās growing up!
Djonin dared to name the unnameable:
You fool. You poor dead fool. To speak its name is to give it a key to your home that only opens one door. The back one.
Discord:
Bigfoot in a Clown Car knew that acronyms were in the air this Hot Dog Appreciation season. Every time you unreasonably insist that letters stand for something, Gary Busey grins. G.R.I.N.S. And that stands for Ghosts Rampage In Noggin SCREAM.
Every once in a while the Discord seizes on a concept and rides it off into the sunset like a sad Buckaroo who realized there aināt noplace for him in Placid Gulch now that peace has been restored. And then that Buckaroo eats a Dude, Wrangler, or lesser Cowpoke to gain a stat bonus:
Sometimes the subject of sex surfaces in the Discord, looks around, realizes where it is, and then burrows away like a sultry mole:
RancorousC gives us the meta-matchup we all want to see:
And then we have the ballad of Jackson Galaxy, Cat Master:
Sometimes a Hot Dogger just has a season. Like Georgio āThe Towelā Manifold did back when he played catchboy for the ā97 Wagoneers. Or a real sports reference! This season was dominated by Wicked Sanguine, who even became a PhDĀ² partway through.
Now we know why you can never portal-assassinate either a horse or Mads Mikkelson:
And exactly what to expect in Mormon Limbo:
Let us close with A Fucking Carol, that classic holiday tale where an old miser is visited by the ghosts of three increasingly furious Fuck Apes until he learns what was really important in life all along: Not being visited by Fuck Apes.
In the spirit of the season, weād like to declare you all winners, but we canāt because the winner is Dr. W Sanguine, Double-Phud. Congratulations! For the next fortnight you are trusted with guardianship of the most valuable piece of artwork ever created. And then completely fucking ruined by our last winner, sissyneck.
In accordance with tradition, sissyneck will now be annihilated so hard that every person he has ever interacted with will cough up dust that tastes vaguely like sissyneck for weeks.
You folks are, as always, the best. And if anyone ever questions that, you call us. Weāll travel back in time to bang their mothers so that we end up their fathers and we will give them such a talking to.
Merry Christmas! Itās Upsetting Day.
Now you must choose which day youād rather celebrate.
On the one hand you have family, togetherness, hot cocoa, carols, presents and the portly home invader dressed to hide bloodstains who brings them to you. On the other hand, you have hundreds of jokes about the worst movies, the weirdest books, the most unsettling pieces of media that should never have been and the two robust, bulging men who bring them to you. They are also dressed to hide bloodstains.
Choose Upsetting Day!
Upsetting Day
A Doris Sanford Special Feature
If a Costco factory chicken had anything like a beak left on its featherless, shit-covered head, it would describe Something Must Be Wrong With Me as āa bit too sad for me.ā
How to Get Along With Black People
For the first 25 or so pages, How to Get Along with Black People is a light-hearted comedy routine about stereotypes which I recognized as a trap. Giving white people permission to laugh at racial stereotypes is how we got Zach Braff.
This is 100% the first thing I would behead with a shovel if it was walking next to the animated remains of Osama bin Laden. What the fuck went wrong in Leah A. Haleyās life that made her think this is cute? If these goddamn horrors ever start talking with their mouths, the first thing theyāre going to say is, āWe are the ghosts of abortions. We are here for your skin.ā
From a certain point of view, Beanie BabyĀ® Stories is a book filled with āHeartwarming stories for Beanie BabyĀ® lovers of all ages,ā but there may have been no hobby more alien to human behavior than Beanie BabyĀ® collecting. Nothing these people did made sense, and even today, years after the sad, dark life of mock capitalism they built for themselves crumbled into nothing, we have no idea why they became Beanie BabyĀ® collectors. If I saw 300 grandmothers carrying Beanie BabiesĀ® and they all turned to me and hissed āWeāre fucking them!ā from the one giant grandmother they are swarming into, it would actually help it make more sense.
Debra M. finished the entire alphabet and her takeaway was not āI know a lot about prisons now.ā It was, āI hope the author consults with reputable psychotherapists next time publishing a book to purportedly help children.ā I donāt need to tell you Debra is, ugh, the worst, but sheās probably right. Do you have any idea how shitty you have to be at making coloring books if youāre a professor of criminology named Muntaquim Muhammad and some random Debbie has a better take on the prison industrial complex than you? This is like Lena Dunham getting body acceptance explained to her by a guy named Footslut Jake.
āCranial nerve exam pornā sounds like something so hardcore you can only film it in the most Russian parts of Russia. But no, this shit is like the schoolgirl fantasy of ASMR Roleplay: So commonplace itās barely considered deviant. These videos are as omnipresent as they are perplexingā¦
Itās always the same ā an attractive female doctor gently inquiring if you have something wrong with your brain. It is the single most attainable fantasy for ASMR fans, who could make this a reality by taking two steps: Making a doctorās appointment, and admitting to why they made that doctorās appointment.
This here is an entire channel dedicated to fans of Damsels In Distress, or DIDdlers. Do they proudly call themselves that, or did I make it up to insult them? You donāt know, and unless you criminally compromise your search history, you never will!
Iām sure theyāve written some baseline setups for his weirdness, but you cannot get Gary Busey to follow a script unless you tape it to the ghosts he thinks are attacking him.
āCan you put that away?ā I gestured at his naked cock, which was easy to do. I didnāt even have to pick a direction. āIām not sure if Iām embarrassed or jealous but I literally canāt look at anything else. Thereās not enough room.ā
Mario Lopez picked up something from the floor and mechanically slid on a pair of the womanās worn panties. They were metallic purple. It was almost worse.
āCan you put on something else?ā
You Wouldnāt Want to be a Sailor on a 19th Century Sailing Vessel
Your Second Grader definitely needs to know how to peel a whale like an orange. Ignore the tears; tell him again where the chains attach. This world is a harsh place and he will never thrive if he doesnāt understand exactly how you skin majesty.
Itās padding for your dickās bra. Hereās the thing guys may not realize though: women tend to value honesty a little more than men. If Iām lucky enough to hook up with a woman, and she takes off her bra to reveal less than perfect breasts, Iām going to shrug and continue to count my blessings. If a guy pulls his pants down and a cheap piece of Batman armor falls out of his underwear, the night is over and Lady Yelp will hear of this sad tale.
…
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsors and Hot Dog Supremes: The artist formerly known as Devon, Eric Spaulding, Neil Bailey, Doug Redmond, Lane Haygood, and Luke Skyjogger. Apart they are mere humans, but together, and with enough booze, they are asked to leave the Sizzler.
This should be a retrospective of all of our Fucking Days and the interesting and frightening ways they have penetrated you, but Seanbaby just did that for the last Reflecting Day. But if you think about it, fucking is basically just really good teamwork. So this is Teamworking Day. Wait, no itās Tagteamworking Day — the day where Seanbaby and Brockway rail you from both ends (with jokes! Some penis!) As a sort of liability babygate to keep out the weak of mind and body, these are usually locked behind the Hot Dog Hero tier. But itās the holidays: Not only the most festive time of year, but also the one with the highest death count. Itās a good time to party or slip in a murder. Letās do both! Thatās right: All of this yearās Teamworking Days are now free! Itās Tagteamworking Day! Get fucked! (In the nice way!)
Tagteamworking Day
Brockway: Oh. Oh no. I know that face. I know that face so well. Thatās the āsomething in this room knows what the inside of my ass looks like, and you canāt leave until you guess with your tongueā face.
Seanbaby: Youāre acting like youād hate that, but Killer Kong sort of has nice titties.
Seanbaby: I worry things are getting a little too hot here, so letās cool them off with Snake Roy, who is the worst of both of those words. Roy looks like he and the python eating him died at the same time and there was some kind of a ghost mistake. But whatever it is, thereās a good chance we are looking at its anus. On dating profiles, Snake Roy describes himself as, āI look like someone dropped their wedding ring in an outhouse, but Iām also a fat fucking snake from the back of the head down. 2 inches uncut, forkedā
Brockway: Snake Roy is an atrocity of human imagination. Heās why LeVar Burton had to start telling children āalmost everybody can be creative!ā From his squat nose to his mossy patches to his snake scales made out of dry human skin, I have to hate every part of Snake Roy individually because I just donāt have enough hate in me to hate him as a cohesive whole.
Seanbaby: The cops hit a pedestrian and crashed their police van right into Silent Hill. There are spooky villagers, a plague of frogs, and meat totems hang from every single everything. Itād be a dangerous situation for anyone, but our guys whimper shit like, āYou bust our balls, weāll rip your ball!ā into the night when nearby shadows rustle. I donāt know if Iāve ever seen any movie characters more doomed than these chicken fuckers.
Brockway: Honestly, weāve spent so long exploring the shameless sexuality of proud Turkish perverts that I had completely forgotten this was a horror film. We have to acknowledge the possibility now that this was all intentional: A filmmaking technique meant to overwhelm the senses with such insane nothingness that you forget where you are, what youāre doing, who youāve become. Now the audience will accept the sudden, unexplained existence of another world without question. Itās like being trapped in a yurt for fourteen years, with only a goat molester and a radio that plays Mongoliaās greatest hits from 1972 to keep you company, then emerging, blinking at the light, stunned at the sky, to find a world of flying cars and plant-people. āIs this what life was?ā You will throat sing, to no one in particular. āIs it the world that changed, or I?ā You will bleat, and none will answer you, for none share your unique language ā not since Yogritz passed away six left-part-of-a-goat-vaginas ago.
Brockway: Fucking only Amazing-Man would bring a knife to an aerial balloon fight. Hahaha is that lady in the background also shooting at them? Amazing-Man is a devout Catholic trying to get away with suicide on a superhero technicality.
Seanbaby: You canāt get into Heaven if youāre killed by the penis a balloon pirate tore off a gorilla. Itās not a rule on the books, but itās like how they can kick you out of a Sizzler for tearing the penis off a gorilla even if thereās not a sign.
Seanbaby: I would have never guessed from the first 40 minutes that this is the best movie ever made. This is like an ape falling backwards into a snowblower and spraying Matisseās The Dessert: Harmony in Red onto your driveway.
Brockway: It is a beautiful shame. Like a Juggalo ballerina.
Brockway: So many people were writing in to Marvel demanding that Black Panther have more tits. This had to happen. Itās simply filling a gap in the market. Hey speaking of filling gaps: Chuck Austen felt the need to specify that, if Black Panther were female, he would lick his own pussy.
Seanbaby: I love a good reference to jokes that donāt exist, but might in a different universe! Oh, and lets add ācat tonguesā and āthe human clitorisā to the list of things Chuck doesnāt understand, I guess.
…
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsors and Hot Dog Supremes: Zdarfan, Micah Phillips, Neil Schafer, Jaber Al-Eidan, David Fornuff, Dr. Awkward, Benjamin Sairanen, and Jamie Gordon. They survived that plane crash by having the fortitude to eat the other passengers, and they survived that rescue attempt by having the fortitude to eat the rescuers.
Categories
Nerding Day: The Best of 2020 š
Nerds! You god damn nerds! Paying money for jokes on the internet is the nerdiest thing possible, and thatās including both card tricks and ukelele covers. But you nerds are precious to us. We appreciate every second you spend reading our comedy instead of a six-thousand word thinkpiece on which Doctor Who would fuck which other Doctor Who. We treasure every moment you spend with us instead of an anime body pillow that says your name in broken English when you squeeze it. We value every glasses-fogging, asthmatic giggle we tickle out of your soft bellies straining at the edges of T-shirts advertising old video games. This, then, is your day: Nerding Day. And these are the best Nerding Days youāve had all year.
Nerding Day
Teenage Mutant Hero Turtle Joke Book
There are, without hyperbole, several too many jokes about insects on pizza in this book. Something happened to this author, probably seeing an insect on pizza, that caused him to find insects on pizza outrageous. This information isnāt particularly interesting or funny, but when someone does something as strange as drawing this many bug-infested pizzas, I take detailed notes. It might make for a bad comedy article, but it will definitely help catch the man authorities will one day call the Papa Johnās Killer.
The Easy 40 Step Method to Cube Dominance
Show Off! How To Be Cool At Parties
At least one time in his career, a cruise director has told Fred Newmanās agent, āWeāve already booked our headliner and I donāt think the ship needs a second Dave Coulier.ā Jesus, I need to step away for a second because thatās the fucking meanest joke Iāve ever written.
Everyone The Wonder Twins Rescued Should Be Dead
Sean has promised me that this wonāt be one of our public columns, so I feel safe admitting this only to you, our loyal patrons: I have always wanted to be a magical girl.
Foam rubber muscle suits just donāt hold up when theyāre flesh-toned. It looks like Lion-O is mostly tumor and sass. This is what the melty guy from RoboCop would look like if, instead of being hit by a patrol car, he was hit by the theater bug.
Itās tough to do even one āHero Resists The Callā right, and Jetman is doing four at once. The end result is less like weāre being introduced to a reluctant cast of would-be heroes, and more like everybody in the world is already aware of, and fucking hates Jetman.
Ultimate Tag was an idea so bad it wouldnāt fly as a MadTV skit, and it was executed worse than Muammar Gaddafi, a Baltimore traffic stop, or a MadTV skit. Ultimate Tag sucksā¦ but what weāre really here to do is make fun of the Ultimate Taggers.
Michael Caine is in The Last Witch Hunter for a grand total of about 3 minutes, before heās put into a magical coma and replaced by Elijah Wood, who should also be too good for this film but is miraculously not.
For every second of his screen time, it is so very clear that Michael Caine just has no patience for this shit.
But no joke, that basically looks like a video game. Like if you showed this to your grandpa, heād say itās a videogame and then look at you pityingly, wondering where it all went wrong with our generation. Maybe it was a mistake to stop spraying pesticides over schools. Maybe it softened us up too much. āGrandpa?ā youād ask, but heād just ease the brakes off his wheelchair and roll quietly backwards down a hill.
…
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsors and Hot Dog Supremes: Yannis Ioannidis, John McCammon, Armando Nava, Lyman, yossarian, Josh S, and Ken Paisley. Together they form Ultrazorb, who defends the cosmos mostly against Ultrazorbās drunken rampages.
Categories
Punching Day: The Best of 2020 š
Itās day two of the great comedy retrospective, where we look back at all the amazing jokes we brought to this screaming, stinking pukefight of a year. Today we celebrate the king of arm movements: The punch. The wave is all right, the wank is pretty good, but nothing beats a punch because if it does, it gets punched. Itās Punching Day! Punching Day is a surprisingly flexible thing, lending itself to everything from actual martial arts training manuals to wrestling cartoons, from video games to Patrick Swayzeās dick game, which has been qualified as āthe punching of fucking.ā Letās take a look!
Chaz carries ādad lost in an electric slideā energy with him even when heās alone in a studio. The man who brags about advanced martial dancers performing impossible feats of sweet, improvised moves looks confused in the two-step routine he himself invented. Chaz is a robot developed by ā90s stand-up scientists to archive how white people be dancing.
Man Comics Presents… Pouch Hopfucker!
How to Protect Yourself & Survive
In 1979, the streets feared only one thing: author Sidney Filson. She wrote HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF & SURVIVE: from one woman to another which made all other books look like frivolous indulgences. This is 151 pages of kill-dangerās-dick-with-car-keys Karate. When star scavengers are one day picking through the remains of human civilization, they will use this book as an archaeological marker to determine which woman died last.
The Stunts of Steven Seagal’s Kill Switch
Even in his prime, Steven Seagal ran like a Tyrannosaurus losing control of its hula hoop. Now that heās an elderly man hiding his mass under a two-person centaur costume, the idea of filming him in a rush is unthinkable. So whenever heās hurrying, the film replaces his movement with flashes of him teleporting across the screen. So when heās in a chase scene it abruptly changes from a film about a cop chasing a killer to a stop motion animation about the ghost of a rock nā roll pig haunting the dark alleys of Memphis, Tennessee.
Hulk Hoganās Rock āN Wrestling Sketches
The sound design for Rock ānā Wrestling is what the inside of your head is like in hell. Instead of laugh tracks we get ghostly, disconnected guitar riffs that signify both everything and nothing. Theyāre your cue to laugh, cry, transition scenes, or get to your bunkers because Macho Man Randy Savage is headed this way and the watchtower guards thought he looked lonely through the spyglass. Sound effects are chosen at random, happen at random, and present at random volumes ā there are slide whistles in total stillness, wacky Scooby-Doo scrabbling noises in the middle of sentences, boings when somebody sits down and bicycle horns when they walk through doors. This show is not scored, it is haunted by the ghost of a sound engineer who died trying to cut together Rowdy Roddy Piperās insane yapping into a credible sentence.
Steven Seagalās World of Warships
Why does nothing fit him? Do they not make frog-closure jackets for Weebles? He looks like somebodyās squeezing a tube of shithead toothpaste.
If Night Man feels like a cheap store-brand ripoff of Batman thatās because this is a Malibu title, and Malibu is the Malt-O-Meal of comic imprints. Iāve said it before and Iāll say it again: Eat shit, Malibu. I know the company is defunct, I know that society and good taste and justice have won out, but this is like hunting Nazis in 1960s Argentina. Youāre not allowed to just commit atrocities and retire. This is Hunters shit, and itās not over until I knock on your door with a copy of Mantra and a pistol.
Everyone in the Exiles sucks so hard itās difficult to overstate. Iāll try: They suck so hard, if they were an album theyād be Imagine Dragons ironically covering NWA songs. They suck so hard, if they were a car theyād be a brown Nissan Juke. Itās not enough! Theyād be a Nissan Juke with one of those family stickers in the window, only every member would be a Calvin peeing on a smaller Calvin until the final Calvin, who has to pee on himself. They suck so hard, if they were a sex scandal theyād be Martin Shkreli caught masturbating in a Foot Locker. Fuck! Nothing is landing. Youāll just have to meet them.
Hereās how Glen jumps:
The Bouncing World of Road HouseĀ
Road House is not the Citizen Kane of bouncer movies. Citizen Kane is the Road House of newspaper movies. This is my third and possibly final column in the series Iām calling, āHow The Eighties Convinced Men They Could Murder Their Way To A Bigger Cock, Inadvertently Causing All Of Our Problems Today,ā and letās just say thereās a reason historians refer to the eighties as the Road House of decades.
…
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsors and Hot Dog Supremes: Rhia, Dean Costello, Nick Ralston, John, Jeff Atwood, Aidan Mouat, Adrienne Hisbrook, and Zachary Evans. The ultimate fighting team, whose group attack āThe Punch Orgyā earned them the title āLeast Desired Opponents.ā