Hot Dog Appreciation Day is the one day of the month we celebrate you, the fans of our comedy, readers of our work, listeners of our podcasts (perverts), and watchers of our videos (extreme perverts; god cannot forgive.) The rest of the month is for us to celebrate ourselves, as is right. But today we’re narrowing our focus even more to honor one Hot Dogger in particular. Frankly, our best wiener: Cerril, pictured here with his partner, Jenni.
You’ve either talked to him on the Discord, seen his handle in these Appreciation posts, or heard his name at the end of every podcast. He’s listed on the Supreme Roll Call as “John,” just John, no last name. Some say that’s an act of humility, I say it’s a powermove. To take over a single name like Madonna or Prince, and then to choose the most popular name in the country? Sheer moxie.
It’s not an exaggeration to say Cerril was the glue that held the Discord together in the early days. He was there on Day 1, among our very first Hot Dog Supremes. Always around to advocate peace with his incredible empathy. The reason we were able to build such a fun and thriving community without the tyranny of internet mods is because Cerril was there to cool down tense situations with grace and good humor, explain the other side of the argument to people crashing out of human language over cartoons, or just recommend someone a really good beer.
Cerril died earlier this month, for reasons we still don’t fully understand. I’ll let his partner, Jenni, explain. This is pulled from a fundraiser she’s holding in honor of Cerril. For the funeral costs? The hospital bills? To donate to some bullshit charity? Hell no. For a big, fuck-off party. Cerril-style.
Obviously, you need to donate to this party to spite death. To this bash in death’s face. This party so bangin’ the Grim Reaper is next door thumping on the walls with a broom handle, trying to get the cops to come break it up but he’s called too often for minor complaints about barking dogs and shit so they’ll never believe Death when he tells them no, this party is literally shaking the building off its foundation. Clearly, you already donated to that.
But we’re not here to badger you about a fundraiser. Because you already donated to it. What would be the point? To have you donate again? That’s crazy. Why would you do that? No, we’re just here to remember our buddy, and the enormous Kool-Aid Man style hole he left in our hearts.
Vooster wanted to revisit the day Cerril first joined 1-900-HOTDOG. Check the timestamps, note the illustrious mustard coloring right from the very start. He was with us at the highest level from the second we opened shop, and he never faltered. That was Cerril all over. Once you had his loyalty, it was to the end.
Greg points out it was Cerril who actually founded the Mouth Hole Enthusiasts channel. Where all things that go in the mouth hole are celebrated, except for the ones in the Sex Swamp.
FancyShark remembers how Cerril was always first in line for our cult tithing. Never missed a mandatory donation or illegal loyalty test. No sir, our boy never skipped a single sacrifice. Always front row with a dagger and a smile at the ready.
Rachel remembers how targeted his jokes were. Cerril would always operate on your level, a side effect of all that empathy.
With Rachel, he was a rowdy grandpa. With FancyShark, he was an executioner telling the last joke you’ll hear before the lights go out.
Seriously, FancyShark, you really brought out the darkness in Cerril. What’s wrong with you?
With our Deviant-in-Chief, Djonin, Cerril could spin jokes out of the vilest perversions. Like Luc Besson movies.
Or just rag on Delta, the Hot Dog Discord’s himbo-in-residence.
Nobody tell anybody we ever admitted this, but there’s more to life than being funny. So much of Cerril’s value was in his boundless empathy, and his ability to understand and explain any situation to you no matter how stupid you were being. In absolutely no relation to anything we just said, here’s Mario’s favorite Cerril memory.
While discussing “p-zombies” – somehow not exactly what it sounds like.
FancyShark remembers Cerril best for the times he voiced remarkable self-awareness and sympathized with people, when the rest of the Discord only wanted to dogpile. (To be perfectly fair, we’re really good at dogpiling. Nobody piles better, not even actual dogs.)
Computer! Zoom and enhance those posts:
Cerril was absolutely indispensable in keeping the peace on the Discord, and we all worry what this wasteland is going to look like without our Lord Humungus.
Zoom. Enhance.
But let’s not dwell on little things like brilliance, humility and grace. What truly made Cerril great was his filthy, filthy hedonism. Nobody enjoyed good food and drink more than Cerril, and nothing made him happier than sharing them. As a little memorial, Brockway suggested anyone who was able grab good drinks or food in honor of Cerril. Turns out that’s one thing the Hot Doggers can do well:
Devon may not have gotten the “good” part of the “good food and drink” mission.
But that’s okay, Cerril could be champion-caliber trash on occasion, too:
Even those sad fucks who can’t drink got in on it. Look at them: Pretending to enjoy life without alcohol. It’s almost noble how they still go through the motions.
Then Brendan came in to find us all having drinks for Cerril and still standing afterward. He knew that was wrong, so he reminded us Cerril did have a favorite beer: Black Tuesday. A 20% alcohol stout that’s technically classified as a type of flail or morningstar in most states.
And so more Hot Doggers went out and hunted down that particular beer for their last cheers with Cerril.
Some of us swiftly learned the consequences of downing a full bottle of weaponized stout:
Meanwhile, on the opposite end of the spectrum: Jakesy honored the shit out of Cerril. He simply would not stop honoring Cerril. Presumably had to be dragged away from the bar to stop honoring Cerril, shouting “you can’t tell ME when I’ve honored enough; I’ll tell YOU when I’ve honored enough!”
There are more things we can do to honor Cerril’s memory. He was one of our first Supremes, so he’ll stay on the podcast roll call to the end. We’ve given his Discord account permanent Supreme status, so his posts won’t disappear, and you’ll never see the man without his mustard. We can all contribute to his Celebration of Life party, and buy his friends and family a few possibly illegal, certainly immoral stouts that will completely knock their shit off course. And finally, we can promise to feel the heartbreak and sorrow of his absence without letting it diminish our joy at having known him. And we can do that by looking at this photo of Jean-Claude Van Damme in the original Predator costume, reconsidering all his life choices.
There’s only one copy of this photo in existence, and it goes with Cerril. Trade it to God for an endless beer fountain, buddy. We’ll miss you more than Jean-Claude Van Damme misses basic human dignity. Cheers.
