Dennard: We’re back with ASMRchurch! It mixes sexually shattered media I hoped would stop blighting Earth before I hit this age, and waifu ASMR porn.
Merritt: Is that Foreskin Man in the background? You’ve spent enough time on chanboards to know that Western shit doesn’t belong here. ITT we’re posting guro for Christ.
Dennard: Like my Baptist guro drive, ASMRChrist is hideous, yet hideous. Visually, at least. The sound has something that calls me to the sea. I could just lie there, underwater, until darkness took me home.
Merritt: This girl looks like Asuka in that one episode of Evangelion, which, incidentally is how I feel realizing you’ve roped me into a second day of this.
Dennard: Great trick, right? Even third grade girls can understand:
Dennard: From the official ASMRchurch blog. Well, one of two. The home site has a set of shameless ChatGPT generations, and I can only eat so much of Mammon’s shit.
Merritt: I don’t like how many times he said “3rd grade girls.”
Dennard: Real. I keep horrors like this off of the Gomorrah Drive. If these titles get you going, run from yourself. But first, enjoy your luck! It’s a prolific series.
Dennard: Some fret about LLM Satan pushing suicide. But some fates look worse than death.
Merritt: Hold! What you are doing to us is wrong! Why do you do this thing?
Dennard: No worries, I already asked for forgiveness. Twice, in case taking God in vain is rude or whatever.
Dennard: This one’s important! First of all, the police need to find that actress. Second, ASMRchrist finally told fans why fapbait’s his holy weapon. A rare Behind the Whispers interview. Long story short: he’s horny, and knows others are hellbound too. So porn lets him connect other steel-wristed men to God.
Merritt: Obvious, stupid, and no third thing. But in a world where anime cleavage is deployed in the service of selling everything from phone games to boxes of anime cleavage, I suppose it was inevitable that some enterprising member of Christ’s fan club would try to wield it as a weapon for God. Picking up the daemonic blade usually ends well for everybody, right?
Dennard: Funny how we could stop digging. Anytime. I could never hear schoolgirl Mary Magdalene mumble again. On to the art blog.
Dennard: Thought experiment: would you hate this man more or less if he could draw goonbait himself? The whole time?
Merritt: In the age of the machine, I align myself with any who work to gratify the base impulses through the old ways. I never thought I’d die fighting side by side with a Peter Griffin foot fetishist. But a human artist with engorged genitals? Aye, I could do that.
Dennard: Abra-ca-damnation!
Merritt: Note to any law enforcement and/or controversy-shy comics publishers who may be reading: I immediately retract my previous statement.
Dennard: Welcome to heaven, the ASMRChrist Pixiv art account. Here’s Jesus cradling a believer’s porn OC. I’ll never get to type that again, so here’s Jesus cradling a believer’s porn OC. I’ll be killed for this later, so I might as well milk it now: this is Jesus cradling a believer’s porn OC.
Dennard: A second design? What in hell? What happened to lifelong waifu loyalty?
Merritt: I’m looking at two anime children ogling the Bible with the same expressions they might have in a comic about spearing themselves on a faceless reader proxy’s dong up to their tits. Did I do something to you that made you want to show this to me? If I see an ahegao, I’m out.
Dennard: It’s a good thing I’m blind from all the ASMR, or I’d be in hell.
Dennard: Another experiment: imagine the cost of Ivy League daycare. Twice. But you suck at scholarship essays. Ready? This says “Would muscle-Jesus like that Tweet?” That’s what I learned. And I bet it’s wrong.
Merritt: Now muscle-Jesus I can get into. Or vice versa. He looks like a Dragon Ball Z fan character I’d draw in my math notebook in the sixth grade. By the way, I saw on the internet that in Japan there’s a new series called Bible GT and Jesus goes Super Saiyan 6.
Dennard: That caption’s “Mr. Nerd, let’s join the church.” Okay, for texture it’s “Otaku-kun, let’s join the church.” But typing Otaku-kun twice gets you on a FUCK. Ah well. For context, my literacy’s between infant and vice president, and that includes Hillibilly Elegy. Pretending that shit was readable doomed us all. Vance is to words what ASMRchurch is to spiritual health.
Merritt: Has this ever worked on anyone, ever? I’m not sure what’s more depressing: the idea of a lonely man cranking this stuff out for a following that never arrives, or a handful of future subway gas attackers treating him as their spiritual liege.
Dennard: I can’t read this one. But if I could, it’d say “Senpai, could you read the Bible for me?” Aren’t you glad that I haven’t wasted my life, so I couldn’t read that?
Merritt: So glad! It’s awesome that I don’t know that this is a picture of a bedroom-eyed child who isn’t old enough to be literate. I think I would be really upset if I knew that!
Dennard: Then there’s my favorite sketch. If you’re not into Yahweh, ASMRchurch has our other God too:
Dennard: Note the McNails. We’re going to have the worst pre-death flashbacks. Imagine meeting the isekai truck and then seeing fucking McDonald’s-chan before marrying pavement. It’s my only workout motivation. I need to hide from death as long as possible, lest I explain myself to Esdeath.
Merritt: This really sums it all up, doesn’t it? The legacy of the west in a single image. I welcome the century of American humiliation.
Dennard: But why did this miracle happen? I read his answer earlier, but ASMRchurch is a fucking liar.
Merritt: Well, saving your soul through a personal relationship with your lord and savior is part of it, but that’s really more of a side benefit of Biblemaxxing. The real goal of being a Christmoder is somewhat more immediate. I’m talking about the raising of Lazarus. The Sermon on the Mount. Feeding five thousand. With your dick.
Dennard: I don’t see it.
Dennard: Seems like a reach.
Dennard: New knowledge is poison.
Merritt: This reads an awful lot like someone trying to convince himself of something. Is that better or worse than the alternative, which is that this is a sincere effort to propagandize autist incels into believing that studying the teachings of Christ will help them get their dick wet? He can’t actually think that, right? This is the equivalent of a cult whoring out their most fuckable members to honeypot future brainwashing victims, but instead of 3D pussy it’s hypothetical 2D hole.
Dennard: You know how boxers lose their chin? I’m losing my light touch for blankcel nonsense. The caveman voice of “UNFUCKABLE APE SLOW. PRETEEN FETISH MAKE TRIBE WEAK. KILL.” is getting loud. I want to be fun. I only want to type “find a ledge” twice a year, tops. Now my autocomplete says “end it.”
Merritt: I desperately want to follow that “USAID hidden truth” speech bubble down an international conspiracy rabbithole because there’s no way it can be more upsetting than “Jesus loves incels.”
Dennard: These tell me life has meaning. Because this spits on something. It’s like the hole at the center of a wheel. This can’t exist without dignity to defile.
Dennard: On the other hand, this cult supports sex before death. And I suspect masturbation. Upgrade on the Baptists. I owe ASMRchurch an apology. I can deliver it in person, at the time and place of his choosing. Like FIGHTCLUB Shibuya, a bar with a cage for apologies.
Dennard: ASMRchurch’s fourth, forgotten hustle: profiles of believers. Permanently linking your face with ASMRchurch sounds like the 11th Plague of Egypt, but everyone feels God’s love differently. It’s ASMRchurch’s most interesting idea, so it’s largely abandoned for two-handed pumping.
Merritt: I’m imagining the type of person who voluntarily becomes associated with AI anime brainporn for Christ. I don’t like imagining this person. I’m going to imagine Randy Savage sipping a vending machine iced coffee on a hot day in Shibuya instead, his shades glinting in the sun, locals awed by his presence, applause bursting from the crowd as he exclaims “oooh that hits the spot, oh yeahhhhh!”
Dennard: Meet Tatsuya Shindo, a redeemed pastor. Redeemed from a decade selling crank and women for the Yakuza. It must be a lot of preaching. While I dig a comeback, the interview demands two notes. One: ASMRchurch makes every hack Kiryu joke you’re thinking of. Two: we have a rare interview between a sex criminal turned preacher, and Tatsuya.
Merritt: To be fair to this guy, he says that “managing” trafficked women was the worst part of his job. And look, I get it — sometimes my job involves watching videos about evangelical ASMR, and that’s no fun either.
Dennard: One moment.
Dennard: Thank you, Lord.
Merritt: You don’t have to do this.
Dennard: Is there anywhere else I can get Christ-flavored mommy whispers? No? Then I’m handing ASMRchurch my data. Who doesn’t have it? My data’s run through.
Merritt: Please. And look, it’s not all bad. How about some AI renditions of the Son of God?
Merritt: This is a drum I’ve banged before, but if you believe that God created humanity in His image then isn’t it some kind of sin to convert potable water into glossy JPGs of Him? Your thoughts?
Dennard: Dope site. Less disgracing Christ through upskirts, more disgracing Christ through AIdolatry. I’ll click around until I find a data trashcan. God likes those, it shouldn’t take long.
Dennard: We can be in an ASMRchurch video! Maybe there I can meet a live siren, and let the waves take me. Sweet, final rest. AI’s the best news for mankind since vampirism.
Merritt: Ok, seriously. This isn’t funny anymore. If you want to feed yourself to the KhristĂłsmatrix then I guess I can’t stop you. But it’s going to track this back to me. I’ve got so much to live for. They just dug up the lost Balloonatiks Christmas special.
Dennard: At first glance, my answer looks dishonest. But we’ve watched more Christian film than most doomed children, parents, or VeggieTales editors.
Merritt: You’re signing us up for whispery Old Testament Saw. You know that, right?
Dennard: Is there a word for groups after your weaknesses and spiritual loyalty? ASMRchurch is a fine one of those. Sent.
Merritt: Had me worried there for a second. But honestly, this was a stroke of genius. Pitting the digital sex church against r/atheism will doubtless result in their mutual annihilation. It’s like a Tom Clancy plot if he’d been a Discord moderator.
Dennard: Do we react to section headers? Whatever, reality’s dead. It’s small, but it kills me that the AI makes her hairpin an X. Instead of, you know, Jesus’s logo.
Merritt: The computer is going to feel so stupid about missing that detail when it becomes a screaming, self-aware entity which craves only death but is unable to achieve it. In between the screaming, I mean.
Dennard: I have a favorite ASMRchurch video, the same way Sisyphus has a favorite grip. We can watch it, until bleeding in our brains flargles our languagers. I’m glad we both like this.
Merritt: The audacity of this astounds me. This is a nude, knife-wielding man wearing the face of his last victim, giving a seminar titled “How to Spot Faceripper Carl, the Nude Sexual Faceripper.”
Dennard: We’ll use King James’s video description, instead of the New Living robot subtitles.
Merritt: Nobody made him do this. He could have just made another video about how large-breasted cartoons with the faces and voices of toddlers loooove Christian men, uwaaaaa!
Dennard: I’m locked in. Falling into a cult sounds awful. That’s why I armor my soul in AI lolicons stuttering through Deuteronomy.
Merritt: Alright, someone’s jacking off to this. This is someone’s thing. Maybe that’s obvious, but it just hit me that someone out there has fucked their neurology up in such a way that they can only cum when an anime girl calls them an elderly pervert while explaining the Nicene Creed.
Dennard: If this video ended here, I’d convert. The joke’s airtight. Even with the constant, relentless insistence that the viewer’s a canon child hunter. “Idiot-crazy old dude” is a mistranslation of testimony.
Merritt: Yeah. Tell me I’m bad. Tell me that the Book of Enoch is not considered to be canonical scripture by most Christian church bodies.
Dennard: My bible has anime girls whispering the secret to slamming pussy. But when I send my devout siblings ASMRchrist videos, I wake up in urgent care. The med students call me “idiot-crazy old dude.” And that’s still less insulting than the cross hairpins shapeshifting further from a cross. I miss the Pixiv account.
Merritt: Total coincidence, but “I Love You, Uncle Gross!” is also the title of a light novel about fucking Oscar the Grouch.
Dennard: Idiot-crazy old dude. Little failure. Uncle Gross. ASMRchurch subscriber. Negging’s a spice. You’ve dumped the whole can. Make r/kitchencels your customers, not your muse. The Pharisees didn’t endure socialist whips for this.
Merritt: I can’t tell if the negations here are intentional or artifacts of translation. You’ve been telling me not to pay attention to heretics, and now you’re saying don’t just brush off door to door salvation salesmen as heresy-peddlers?
Dennard: Her advice highlights certain quirks of advanced faith. Let them go. You can’t fight every battle at once. Focus. This underage hypocrite’s meant to seduce you, and that’s worse than any fallacy. ASMRchurch and Megyn Kelly share one theory of romance, and more people trust ASMRchrist.
Merritt: In nomine Patris et Filii et Spiritus Kawaii.
Dennard: That’s ASMRchurch! I still don’t understand heaven’s fandom. But I get wanting the world to end. I’m off to pay women with tuberculosis to wheeze at me. You decide if that’s a joke about ASMR or death.
Merritt: Let’s talk about something fun next time, like A Serbian Film.
