Author: Seanbaby

Categories
NERDING DAY

Nerding Day: Mojses by Qumm 🌭

There was once a convention called E3 where everyone involved in video games would crowd around a competitive spectacle of screens, announcements, and bikini girls. But deep in the basement of the LA Convention Center was a magical room called Kentia Hall where the deranged and foreign game developers held a sick impersonation of the upstairs party. It’s where Malaysian Best Storage might have a booth next to StyleRings For Marry Game Boy, LLC. And nearly twenty years ago, it’s where a small man eagerly handed me this:

“Ha ha what am I looking at?” I muttered to myself. “Is moJses made out of cum?” The man nodded excitedly. I was right –precisely right– but not in the way I meant.

You’re probably confused. It’s crazy, but simple: QUMM, which stands for Qualified Uuiou of MobileMan, owns moJses, a head company of QUMM, sometimes known as “the QUMM,” and when they say “MobileMan,” I think they mean “mobile video games.” According to Google, they don’t exist. According to Bing, horny moms need it, free trial. And in 2004, someone from either moJses or the QUMM handed me this catalog of their 72 titles. It is the only record that exists for them or their games, and from the way it quivers, I don’t think it likes being in our universe.

It opens with a letter from the CEO of both companies making it clear this is not a catalog for consumers or retailers to buy his games. He is looking for a publisher to turn this ragtag collection of partly coherent, mostly finished ideas into products three shell companies removed from any legal liability.

The first thing Andrew Suh needed was a single person who could turn Korean words into English. After the failing of largest tuna diaper, he moved on to his second goal: telling American publishers about his games. This would be a pointless, humiliating endeavor without finishing that first task, but Andrew was a go-getter. Maybe? Let me look him up.

I don’t know if Andrew Suh is a very common Korean name or a very cursed one, but Google thinks he’s either a murderer or a taekwondo molestor, and it’s 100% positive he was never the CEO of a MobileMan company. None of this is important, though. It’s a hell-damned pamphlet from a man shadow. What really matters are these, the hottest 2004 moJses mobile games from QUMM!

Battle Bugs might be what you expected from a 2003 mobile game from a company that never existed(?)– an incoherent bug-on-bug(maybe) fighter(probably) set on leaves(definitely). Battle Bugs is Game Type: Stand-alone and Color Depth: 256 Colorꜛ, but I’m not kidding when I say so is every single one of the other 71 QUMM games. QUMM, if they’re all Stand-alone and 256 Colorꜛ, shut up about it. This is like the Domino’s Pizza website adding “Diabetes: Yes” to everyone’s information.

I personally love authentic Engrish like this, back when it was done by confused maniacs who lied themselves into a translation job. But it’s more than that. This is also terrible copy. The person selling this had nothing to say long before they realized they had no way to say it. Two of their six bullet points are about pushing bugs off of leaves, which is pretty unnecessary given the title. No one heard “Battle Bugs” and thought, “Wait, how the FUCK would that work!? Leaf pushing!? Did I hear that right!? I DID!? Okay, wow, that was a hell of a presentation.”

This is a street basketball game only it’s set inside and has an exception about “normal two-point or three-point shoot.” So Street Basketball might not be either of those words? Honestly, I knew less about basketball after each bullet point, but I want to say it was quite a technical achievement to get six moving basketball(?) players onto a phone designed to be thrown away after calling your meth supplier. Though, it seems strange that after working so hard on something you’d let a gym coach dying of a snake bite name it and describe it.

After strangling the English language to death trying to explain the basic premise of basketball in Street Basketball, they decided to take it easy with their actual street basketball game, Power Dunk. The bullet points are: One, has a title. Two, moving sprites. Three, you control it. This is how you would describe a video game you’ve never played on its discount headstone. Jared Fogle, today, would be better at selling sandwiches than this person is at selling Power Dunk.

In Taxi Driver you’re a taxi driver, sure. But you’re also a caveman saving up to buy a wife? That can’t be right. Hold on, I’m going to see if I can search through the Internet graveyard and find out more…

… okay, here we go, from a 2004 snapshot of the long dead moJses by QUMM website:

You don’t marry anyone at all! The taxi money is for buying beer to drink alone, and if you drink enough beer, you can look at a girl. Then some other guy said, “Oh, crying into beer near a woman? In English, the word for that is marriage.” So these maniacs were trying to make Flintstones Taxi, but they accidentally made Flintstones Honeymooners, which is just Double Flintstones. This is way too complicated. Didn’t they make any phone games about fucking ninjas?

Yes! YES! I said “fucking ninjas” and QUMM gave me Ninja Porker! It’s like a monkey paw tried to betray me but accidentally improved my wish. Suck it, monkey p— wait, did they just spell “Poker” wrong? This is… I’m not sure I’ve ever felt heartbreak like this. And the idea of adding little ninjas to cards is so worthless they barely mention it. Their sales pitch is basically, “Poker is a popular board game, and this is close enough. If we had to categorize it, I guess it’d be Puzzle (Like Shooting)? Caution: the ninjas are cute, but do not pork.”

In the same way Ninja Porker was based on the popular board game “Poker,” Wizard Stone is based on the “popular character of a wizard.” It’s also based on the popular character of a princess, but she doesn’t look like she’s a big help as she weeps from underneath evil bricks. I might regret this, but let me run her screenshot through a translator:

“I grabbed it with Volmo?” Is Volmo the blue one? Is the whole pile of blocks Volmo? Do I really want to know? This is an artist who rendered the pleasure on the face of every block crushing the princess and gave careful detail to the tear falling from her eye, then said, “Fuck it, seven blobs counts as hands.”

At first glance, Santa looks like an ordinary Santa game. Even through the Engrish, you can’t misunderstand “Giving a gift to children by being a Santa Clause.” But then it gets weirdly hot. Santa is joined by cute Santa boy and sexy Santa girl, and you don’t hand a gift to the children– you dance it at them. So this game is about sexy, pumping Santas for kids? Those words should only be said right before, “and may I remind you, Sex Crime Kevin, you are under oath.” 

This is getting dark. The next one better be awesome, moJses by QUMM.

Oh hell yes. From the darkest corners of the HardThrash comes A Scray Game! That title is the Scottie Pippen of fucking up– a world-class, multi-faceted fuckup from anywhere on the court. Naming your horror game A Scray Game is like trying to put on a condom and accidentally wrapping a broken balloon around your wife’s head. It’s like filing a police report that says “suspect Attempt the Wiffe Ballon.” A Scray Game is like trying to shrug, but throwing out your shoulder and dying.

Even in 2004, Just Barely Not Tetris was a tired genre. The Magic Pangpang people took a look at the shitty little almost-Tetris they had created and thought, “at least we got the sound effects to play without stopping the music?” And look, I’ve worked on enough video games to know this was probably hard. But it’s also a baseline expectation. If a movie poster said, “Dog is cop, Color backgrounds, Expertly covered up times Jim Belushi farted with car horn,” you’d think duh. That’s what sound design is for. How bad is this movie if you’re bringing up the internal awards you handed out to the Jim Belushi fart team? Answer the question, makers of K9: Fartcop!!!

Magic Pang Pang 2 was also in the book, only it was given the name Minumaru Adventure and it had so much less to offer they spent half of their sales pitch changing “neighboring 1 coins” into “1coins.” Language barrier or not, this is fucking crazy. These people just started multiplying numbers! And the exchange rate never changed! 5 neighboring 10 coins is still only worth 50coin! This is like sending Jim Belushi on a press junket to tell reporters, “In K9: Fartcop 2, one fart equals a fart, two farts equals two farts, and five farts in a bushel is a five bushel partyfart. Also, it’s now called Fartufarto’s Bar Mitzvah.” Perfection, in other words.

Sometimes it’s clear what the Engrish is trying to say, but it’s still funny. The word “well-written” is such an absurd choice when describing your source material. It’s almost an apology. Like they’re saying, “Okay, it wasn’t a bestseller or anything, but before we turned it into a flip phone game and called it Sword Man, it was fine.”

I think the moJses by QUMM copywriter is losing their confidence. And rightfully so. They are an amateur trash salesman looking for a fraud co-conspirator in a language they do not speak. In other words, the plot to Jim Belushi’s Fart Shop.

Okay, this is real salesmanship. They say this Final Fantasy knockoff was awarded the title of “The best promising game” by the goddamn Ministry of Culture and Tourism. Amazing! And unlikely since that is not an award the Korean Ministry of Culture, Sports, and Tourism gives out, nor would it seem appropriate to give to a video game they themselves funded. This has all the credibility of Fruit Ninja claiming it won a Latin Grammy for “Tallest Fun.” Still, what a brag improvement it is from “Game feature: 3 coins equal 3coin, no listen, let me explain the coin exchange system again across the next four bullet points.”

They’re going to answer your main question first. Yes, Cronous is The Cronous, adapted for phone from the hit full 3D game, ‘the Cronous’. It has all the characters you love. Dalof. Seduce. And if you’re wondering about the interaction of data? It’s coming. Assuming you, the reader, are a huge American publisher and a big the Cronous fan who wants to show them how to do that. What else is there to say? Oh, right. It’s Stand-alone and 256 Colorꜛ.

Were you wondering what is the real action game? Fucking enjoy the real action in Combat Troopers. Or wait for Combat Troopers XV, because this is only the first in a series. How could it not be? Combat Troopers (1) has 4 entire stages, they are all Jungle, and we are banking on the creative team behind those things having a lot more ideas in the tank. Do you hear us, future? Combat Troopers and their various items and weapons are coming!

Chicken Run is hard to explain. First, it’s actually called Chicken House. Second, consist of 3 plates and each plate is circulated and change plate. You get it. Alright, let’s do one for the ladies.

Musical Performance Game is a Stand-alone Musical Performance Game (256 Colorꜛ) designed to appeal to women by including characters. And sure, they’ll love the round, orange nothing without a name. They’re women. But Musical Performance Game takes it a step further by letting those ladies become a handsome prince and kiss a princess. A magically hypnotized prince if I’m understanding it correctly. I’ve seen some bad English speakers, but these lunatics tried to describe a rhythm game about a ball and inadvertently wrote a gender-swapping sexual assault starring two unrelated characters. In a lot of ways, it reminds me of the final day of shooting K9: Fartcop when Jim Belushi said, “That’s a wrap on Q*Bert’s Hamlet! Great job, everyone!” Hold on, wait. God damn it, yeah, I think I’ve lost my mind. Let’s do one more.

What the shit? This is a game about a high school teacher choosing beautiful girls? This reads like a criminal confession hidden inside a list of game features. “My princess plays various sounds… as you watch the little girls grow up.” “My princess has a convenient interface… for choosing one of the beautiful children.” It’s like someone wrote an AI to describe games and it went rogue and tried DMing you for foot pictures.

What happened here? Every other game was satisfied being a generic throwaway imitation. They were like, “It doesn’t matter if any of these are good. Pump out a couple basketball ones, an Ikari Warriors, a Tetris or two, Dance Dance Revol— and oh! We should do a uniquely branching narrative graphic adventure sim about grooming high school girls spanning their entire childhood! What else? Maybe one with chicken plates?”

I don’t want to end on that one. Let’s do one more. I know this is a lot of madness to expose yourself to, but it’s not like any 2004 Korean mobile game sales pitches can get any worse.

Ohmygod, no! It’s worse! It’s worse!!! Take your pamphlet back to hell with you, moJses by QUMM!!!

…

These artist have unbecome foot sponsor HOT DOG cream Supernaught standard color 256n qum images make one1:50 fun porker. For you. YOU!

Categories
LEARNING DAY

Learning Day: The Princess and the Kiss

When it’s your life’s work to keep people away from sex, you’ve chosen a path of humiliation and frustration. You’re selling a thing no one wants, and your only possible customers already had virginity explained to them by God. But despite it making her look like a sad dummy, author Jennie Bishop has dedicated herself to purity. She wants you to know your poundable holes are God’s precious gifts, and in 1999, she turned that sentiment into a children’s book.

The Princess and the Kiss is a story about one thing– a princess saving her first kiss for her royal wedding. There’s no age suggestion, but I feel like saving a first kiss for her wedding overshoots even the most optimistic expectations of your Christian daughter’s chastity, so the book must be for people old enough to understand it’s an allegory for penetration. But it might not be! This might literally be a book about the spiritual trauma of unmarried kisses.

Jennie dedicated The Princess and the Kiss to her home-schooled daughters, Vashti and Christianna. She does not mention how their innocence inspired her writing or her life, but instead calls for them to spend their first kisses well! Let them die dryly against the lips of a nerd for God’s glory! This is so goddamn weird. This is how a witch would curse a chapstick thief. It’s what every priest tells you the second you’re alone. It’s the least romantic line from a video cassette called Church Camp Hunks.

The story starts with the birth of the princess. When she was born, the king and queen gave her a very special gift from God, her first kiss, and something already seems off. Does this mean they put their mouth on her, or very carefully didn’t put their mouth on her? I get we’re talking about making sure your daughter never has sex, and I think every father sees the appeal in that, but why put it like this? Tell your stupid kid a wizard filled every penis with hot mustard, and cockroaches can’t resist hot mustard. You’re already inventing a kingdom of precious magic to indoctrinate her, you coward. There’s no ethical difference in explaining how insects are waiting to devour her crotch.

A page after giving the princess the very special gift of her first kiss, the king and queen give the princess the very special gift of her first kiss. Which means I’ve either gone insane, or this is not a well-written book. They lead the princess to a secret room where her kiss is stored, and if you thought her kiss was going to be a magical energy trapped inside a bird cage, congratulations:

This is an oversized children’s book, so the above illustration spans 26 inches across with no text. Representing your first kiss as a pet ghost your parents keep in a safe is beyond childlike. If you asked me, “What if fucking was like a lamp?” I would catch your words in a jar and label it “THE DUMBEST THING ANY STUPID FUCK HAS EVER SAID.” But even as a fan of trapping abstract concepts in glass, I can’t believe Jennie Bishop thought this dogshit stupid idea was powerful enough to warrent a full splash page. Did she imagine the reader would be so blown away by this reveal they needed to bask in it? Take the whole concept in? Even if it wasn’t spoiled by the cover, a two-year-old would stop you and say, “Let me guess: it’s, like, a glass cloche holding a light? Psh.”

And since we’re here looking at it, let’s talk about how this image unravels Jennie’s entire world. This is an open room on top of a thirty foot tower. This “secret kiss storage” is visible from at least five different windows. Any pervert could climb in there and take it. Her virginity has been curiously probed by a dozen squirrels every day for the past 18 years. By the rules of her own fiction, this princess has made love to at least six hundred birds. It should be called Princess Pigeon Fucker, Yes You Read That Right.

So now, despite this being, just, so deadass simple, the princess has the gift of her first kiss spelled out for her again. It’s the only thing that has happened on any page of this book, and this one is no exception. Remember, this was written by a woman who home schools her children. At this rate, we’ll be having virginity explained for another 80 pages and it will be 2049 before her elderly daughters graduate Beginner Shapes for Latter-day Saints.

If you filled a pillowcase with cottage cheese and took out television ads to tell everyone they weren’t allowed to have sex with it, your story would have richer characters than The Princess and the Kiss. This passive dingbat lives to get fucked, some day, but only once and in very specific conditions. She is a bottle of champagne for a special occasion, but with less autonomy and a noisier pop. Wait, go back one. Sorry. This book has me really cranky.

Now the book pivots to the princess refusing her kiss to suitors. Princes come from around the kingdom to offer themselves to her. The first is Prince Peacock, who is a great jumper, but you know, knows it. That’s a deal breaker for Princess… holy shit… I guess she was never given a name. Anyway, as a nameless woman whose goals, personality, and education are all described as “not kissing,” she knew she couldn’t give herself to a prince conceited enough to bring salesmanship to a princess courting.

Her next courter is Prince Romance who seemed interesting, but maybe too interesting? The princess, her insecurity honed from a lifetime of being told her first vaginal entry was the only thing she had to offer, knew this was too much man for her. “This sex machine is going to know I can’t fuck the second he gets it in,” she thought. And she was right. They should have really explained the princess’ deal to Prince Romance before he drove all this way.

For a writer, this next suitor is pretty embarrassing. His name is Prince Treasurechest, and he’s rich. But the princess, who again, was never named despite being written by a world class character namer, knows this guy is also too much for her. With all his money, why would he care about her sort of clean mouth? No, she needs a man who’s perfect. Not desirable, successful, adventurous, or experienced… someone who aspires to meet a woman who keeps her vagina under a dome and no second thing.

Many more suitors came, but the courtship ended with the princess choosing no one. “Why won’t God bring me a husband?” she demanded after every manner of man came directly to her home to offer her everything they had. Her mother comforts her by telling her even if God forsakes her, at least she’ll die with that first kiss, glowing lustily in a nearby tower. “Oh, that’s a good point,” the ape-brained virgin idiot thought.

But what’s this? A common man approaches the castle? Surely this lowborn scoundrel would not insult the princess’ honor by… no. He wouldn’t dare.

With all the charm of an Instagram follower asking for a farty pair of your panties, the common man tells the princess he has no money or talents, but he has been watching her. This is exactly the type of creep she and her parents are keeping her virginity locked away from, but they love him. He has them in the palm of his incel hand when he finally reveals the only very special gift he can give her. You already know what it is, but here are 26 inches of silent illustration anyway:

“My lady, I offer you this old leather pouch of not knowing how to fuck,” he says to her without words. “Crrrr-eaaaa-aaaa-kk,” reply the atrophied muscles of her widening cervix. They are the perfect couple– two bumbling dummies who have built their lives around leveling up their celibacies for one brief Pokémon battle.

Like someone did on every other page of this book, the common man explains virginity to the princess and her parents. It’s the perfect sales pitch for these weirdos, and they agree he is the one for whom the princess has been waiting. But is he? Should this woman with unlimited options and presumably some responsibilities make a lifetime commitment to the first virgin stalker to get past her security? Like, are you teaching a valuable lesson to young girls when you tell them a man’s greatest gift is an unmoistened penis? This shit is bonkers. If I was this author’s husband I might ask myself why a woman created an entire fantasy world in order to say, “The best ladies choose unremarkable men with no sexual experience.”

So in a victory for “nice guys” everywhere, the common man and the princess get married and exchange kisses (not pictured). A drawing of a husband and wife kissing would look like an amateur gang bang video in this context, so Jennie does her best to describe it with the majesty it deserves– sun streams through the windows while all the kingdom and the actual God sing. So everyone watched them learn how to kiss together, which, Jesus fuck, means the very special gift was really only a kiss the whole time? It wasn’t an allegory! They still have at least three secret magical orbs to reveal to one another before they’ve consummated this thing.

“Princess Unnamed-Common, on our anniversary I have one last very special gift to give you. It is my will-o’-the-wisp of never having a thumb up my butt.”

Categories
PODCASTING DAY

Podcasting Day: Beat ‘Em Up with Rusty Shackles 🌭

In arcades, as in life, whenever you ever see 2 to 4 men punching their way through mohawks, you are guaranteed a good time. It’s Dogg Zzone 9000 Day, bad dudes, and we welcomed our very own website’s illustrator, Rusty Shackles, to discuss the greatest of video game genres: ’90s beat ’em ups.

Like getting you and your brother’s girlfriend back from the gang who stole her, the rules of our beat ’em up discussion were simple. If you want to play along at home, here are the controls:

You can listen here or wherever you get podcasts, but if you’re a real shadow warrior Patron, you can listen to the bonus podcast where Rusty and Brockway try to identify a series of increasingly insane video game quotes. If you want to avoid spoilers for the main show, don’t look at these kickass arcade flyers for our badass top choices! Like us on Review, and Double us on Dragon! Thanks!

Footnotes:

This stupid thing…

… and this goddamn stupid thing.

Podcast novelization cover by Brett Ellefson

Categories
FUCKING DAY

Fucking Day: The Hunk Boat 🌭

Let’s talk about the 1995 film THE HUNK BOAT. It’s about “five hot frat buddies” sharing a houseboat for a weekend where clothing is not just optional, it’s penis! Where the waves aren’t the only loose, wet shapes growing mold on a boat! Sorry, these aren’t great loglines. The front of the box screams, “SET SAIL ABOARD THE U.S.S BEEFCAKE FOR THE HUNKIEST CRUISE OF ALL TIME!” which was already a masterpiece of salesmanship.

Maximum hotdoggers may recognize THE HUNK BOAT from the last time I tried to review it and the tape didn’t work. Well, I fixed it*. Which means buns. Which means possible flopping dongs. Which means if someone comes up behind you while you’re reading this, those are the two things you’ll be talking about. The title THE HUNK BOAT is not a trick. If anything, it says too much.

* Don’t ask me how, but I could only get the cursed cassette to play through a h̴̡͍̙̏̉͐o̶̺̥͛l̴̟̩͍̈́̓ę̸͖͍͐̄ in a 1995 hunk calendar.

We open on Warren Scott, nudely practicing his “What I Did Over Summer Vacation” speech. Warren is 31 years old, so this is either a 4th grader who was held back 22 times or a strange way to frame your sex boat video.

With the oratory skills you’d expect from someone who saw this set and decided to take off his clothes and stay, Warren asks, “Can you imagine… five rowdy guys? All alone. In the middle of nowhere?” Then he pauses. Much longer than you’d think. Longer than it should take to imagine even six rowdy guys. “I’m not going to be able to tell everything that happened in this report,” he finally adds, the emphasis on all the wrong words. He wants this to suggest all these best pals were fucking, but the real subtext is, “Reading is a struggle for me; I’ve always been more of a moist hole learner.” The important takeaways are these: these idiots are really committing to the creepy school report bit and all sexual intimacy will be, at best, vaguely implied. Welcome to THE HUNK BOAT.

“No hardcore action.” It’s the final sentence on the back of THE HUNK BOAT‘s box, and it inadequately prepares viewers for its chaste, almost childlike approach to nudity. It’s like someone at a Lake Mead Tourist Board meeting jumped up to suggest, “Let’s add more taints, right? Confused, naked dummies and the backs of their balls!” before remembering they were the entire Lake Mead Tourist Board.

Before we get to that, let’s do a hunk roll call.

Warren Scott you’ve met. His four “frat buddies” are Michael Golden, Joshua Matt, Robert Allen, and Tico Cordova. That’s five men, eight first names, and zero romantic chemistry. This video looks like five dudes having a normal weekend at the lake except they said yes to a guy at the water ski rental place who offered them eight hundred bucks if they did it naked and let him film it.

I’m not sure why they’re so coy about things. Maybe it was so they could market this obviously softcore gay pornography to stupid women? But, I mean, this was 1995, not 1992. They could just make gay pornography. There was no need to create this secret beef code to sneak it into a fishing video. The entire first ten minutes is a series of excuses to get them, five regular joes, to take their dicks out. For instance:

They get the dongs started by having Warren stand on the deck of the U.S.S. Beefcake, waving wildly at a couple on a nearby boat. “Hi, guys! Hi! I’m Warren! I’m 31 and three quarters and I got a B in vocabulary! Sometimes my friends pull down my swimming trunks to show everyone my no-no tube! Uh oh! Like I was say-ing!”

And look, I’ve been on enough lake trips to know how hard it is to transition into a boat orgy. You can’t just rip the shorts off the dumbest guy and hope for the best. And sure enough, Warren’s flopping hog does nothing to get things going. The bros and dudes go back in the cabin and play a few hours of no-stakes, platonic man poker. It is objectively bad television, but then they come up with the inspired decision to have the guy with the worst hand get naked and “get out there and do some jumping jacks, bro. Right now.” Which means we are two penises into an all-male adult film and everyone is still pretending to have never heard of Gay.

Here’s what’s crazy. The couple in the boat are still there! Have they been hanging around for three hours while the hunks played poker hoping to see some more dick? If so, a naked Robert bursting into the sunlight to shake his junk at them has to be a better-case scenario than they could have hoped for. Think of the victory this must have been for one of them. “Honey, leave the anchor where it is. We’re not fighting about this anymore! There are five studs on that boat and it’s only a matter of time before another one of them gets out on that deck and shows us what he’s got. I don’t care when your mother was expecting us ba– see!? See, right there! Look at that fat dick! I fucking told you so.”

And that’s it for the first day of this erotic houseboat journey. They cut to the next morning, where Warren is sleeping alone. He has no covers and like Winnie the Pooh, he is wearing only a t-shirt and a boner.  Through voiceover, he jokes about how his big, dumb erection gets in the way as he sleepily gets some juice. He says he isn’t embarrassed, though; because he learned on this trip that the other guys get them too. So holy fucking shit, these 30-year-old gym buddies are… what, learning about their bodies?

I can’t keep track of this fiction. They know they are gay men, the viewer knows they are gay men, the consumer was hoping they were gay men, and here they are pretending to be The Straight Bro Puberty Squad solving spooky clues in “The Case of the Sticky Erection.” Like, the box made it clear this wasn’t going to be a poop deck view of a Lake Mead suckfest, but I figured the stars of THE HUNK BOAT wouldn’t be learning about their penises for the first time. This is the first and last erection of the film and Warren presents it to us like a shy girl ordering a corndog. It’s pathetic. Quaker pediatricians paint sexier pictures with words than Warren Scott narrating his own throbbing cock.

Up next is the outdoor shower Robert rigged up for a fourth flimsy excuse to get naked. So far we’ve gotten nudity from a pantsing, a dare, and a man discovering boners. Now we’re watching a man act like it’s normal to clean yourself by shivering soaplessly under a rain gutter. Robert paws at himself with the exact sexuality of an eyeball in an eye washing station. Who knew it would be so hard to make the thing after they came up with the idea of THE HUNK BOAT?

Still struggling to figure out a way to get this party started, the boys go back to playing cards. This time they don’t even remember to make it hunky. They just each draw a card and the low man has to clean the place. Tico loses and gets to work in the kitchen. Not for an insane amount of time, but much, much longer than it takes for a viewer to think, “Are they really going to stand here and film this guy doing the goddamn dishes?”

But after a few minutes, Tico gets an idea on how to make it sexy:

And with Tico’s butt, they are now 25% done with the video and completely out of ideas on natural ways to get men nude. Jumping jacks, showers, housework… that’s it. What else do hardbody studs do naked? Oh, right! Snorkeling!

The bros flap around the lake like beautiful mermaids, as close to free as their manly hearts will let them soar. Warren has long since run out of things to say, so this part is set to five minutes of jazzy saxophone while their waterproof camera, which should have air quotes around both those words, does its best to center everyone’s balls. You know the difference between art and pornography when you see it, and while this video is never pornography, it is now finally art.

Okay, enough swimming. Let’s heat things up. It’s time for Mike and Josh.

Warren explains, “Mike and Josh would often go off on their own.” Then he playfully waits a deranged amount of time before adding, “We never knew exactly what they did out there.”

He pauses again, thinking he’s building some kind of tension. “Together,” he coos, so long after saying the previous sentence they don’t even seem related. I know I’m making fun of Warren’s narration a lot, but he is worse at implying gay sex than Tim Allen in a Kevin Spacey biopic. I can barely tell what he’s getting at like a joke about Tim Allen starring in a Kevin Spacey biopic.

Back on the boat, the other three studs are blowing it with frisbees. So let’s check back on the ocean of passion crashing against the cliffs of Mike and Josh.

Oh. I guess Josh dropped Mike off on some barren shore and left him there to jerk off? He gets naked to his boots and builds a little chimpanzee nest out of his clothes and rocks. His heart is not in it and it looks uncomfortable. For everyone involved. No one in the cast or crew seems to know if we’re here to watch this man pleasure himself or lay down and die in the gravel, so he gets up and lumbers off, pawing at himself as absent-mindedly as his wandering. And I get it, this is weird. I didn’t know I would have so many notes about how Mike masturbates either.

Mike never finds anyone or anything, which is lucky, because a nude hulk with a third of a boner climbing onto your property is exactly what Nevada gun laws were written for.

Far from Mike’s beefquest, Warren, Tico, and Robert are back on the boat trying to figure out organic ways to get each other’s clothes off. Warren suggests jumping off the boat again, but naked this time. “Naked alrightalright let’sdoit,” someone replies, very naturally. They nudely climb the ladder with the exact same sense of personal space and desire to be there as a human centipede.

After another long underwater penis sequence, we go back to Mike who is dressed and waiting for Josh to pick him up. Whatever he needed to do is done, and all we know is that it was something he had to do by himself, he couldn’t wear clothes for it, and it had nothing to do with masturbation. Which rules out everything other than witchcraft and coyote sex. Anyway, he climbs aboard and gets naked again so he can read some old magazines Josh found in the boat debris.

Warren had a kitty cat purr in his voice when he said these two kept running off and getting up to God knows what, and I guess that could legally include “absolutely nothing,” but from the intended audience’s perspective, this is bullshit. Half of their speedboat time was spent apart, and the rest was spent adrift, flipping through old Fisherman Quarterlies. Straight, gay, or first cousins, it is very weird none of these bored, naked men have put forward the idea of having sex. I’ve never seen anyone this not horny, and I spent the last two days telling my wife about THE HUNK BOAT.

Speaking of, back on the houseboat, the other three hunks remain nose deep in each other’s buttholes as they climb to the roof for more naked diving. They all towel off, sharing small talk about the beautiful day. Aside from the hanging balls, it’s pretty uneventful. So uneventful I was starting to think these hunks weren’t even bad boys. But then it faded out on this shot:

Oh, SHIT.

The romantic leads of THE HUNK BOAT can barely tolerate each other and no one else seems to have heard of sex, so at this point of the video it seems like everyone has given up. “Are we still doing this? I’m trying to read,” says fully-clothed Robert. “Oh, that’s good. We’re leaving that shot in,” says the editor.

It feels more like we’re embedded with nudists than making smut. At this point Warren himself says, “In a couple of days, nobody even seemed to notice we were running around naked. As much as we were dressed.” So then what are we doing here, Warren? As if to answer, Warren smiles and says, “When Josh and Mike went off on the speedboat. Doing who knows.” And then there’s a long pause here for whatever reason. “What. The rest of us would get our turn.”

Okay, so that sexy boat from earlier that gave us a madman wandering the wastelands in only his boots and another one regrowing his hymen is now in the hands of the bad boys! Ladies! It’s! Time! To! Fuck!

Wait, no, they’re tubing. To be fair, he is only wearing a life vest, so if you’re into it, know that somewhere in the bouncing blur of that VHS footage are some unsecured testicles. Meanwhile, the hottest couple on the U.S.S. Beefcake, Josh and Mike, are back to doing what they do best: going their separate ways and not fucking. There’s a moment here I want to share with you at about 33 minutes in, where the director seems to finally remember what they set out to do and they ask Josh to make it sexy. It’s a hilarious disaster:

If there was an award for revealing your pink thong in the sexiest way, Josh would not only never win, he would be arrested for sarcasm crimes. This is, without question, the worst I’ve ever seen someone take off pants, and I spent the last two days trying to pantomime THE HUNK BOAT for my wife. Josh makes taking a nap in a chair look like a goddamn Irish famine documentary. And while I’m giving notes on his butt, some of these closeup decisions should have been made after verifying all of Josh’s holes were camera-ready.

A synth piano plays “Somewhere Out There” while a camera man pervs out on Josh’s hairy buns, and I simply can’t bring myself to add joke elements to something so already absurd. The video is now maniacally jump cutting between slow pans down Josh’s flaccid penis as he does the splits to three bros getting their bottomless water ski on. We are watching reason and sexuality die together, here on the fading magnetic oxide particles of this hunk tape.

I admit I don’t have the keenest gaydar, but the Straightness of this video can’t be overstated. Aside from the hairy dick flapping somewhere in that spray, this would look like three guys out on the lake in between the times they spent never kissing a boy. Warren constantly tries to make things sexy, but no one takes him up on it. For instance, when Tico comes in from the bottomless tube ride, Warren asks, “Did you almost reach an orgasm!?” And instead of saying something cute like, “Maybe you could help me, hunk,” he goes, “Ha ha beat up my balls too, man!” They literally have no idea this was meant to be sexy. Robert only uses his penis to open beers. If you sat down and explained to Tico what intercourse was, he would ask if it’s coming out for N64.

Unfortunately, it’s time to go home. Warren says, “Like all good things… My summer vacation.” And then after some time he adds, “Finally had to come to an end.” The gang says goodbye like all bros do after they were hired to fuck on a boat for a weekend: with every single type of handshake.

I love it. It’s such genuine, secure masculinity from such a weird mix of buff virgins and gay porn actors. They’re all going home with some great shared memories and very even tans. Then we are brought back to the grim reality that all of this is taking place inside the show n’ tell presentation of Warren, a 31-year-old grade schooler.

We cut back to the shot of him on his bed where he says, “We all had so much fun. We decided to do it again.” And after some time he continues, “Get together over Christmas Break.” A pause. “I think we’re gonna go snow skiing.” An unexplained hour of silence goes by. “Up in the mountains,” he adds. Still not done, he waits a good amount of time before emphasizing, “Snow skiing. Naked.”

“What a rush!” he decides after a long deliberation. Then he rolls over onto his back and starts massaging his flaccid penis to no effect. Like a gorilla accidentally killing her pet caterpillar. The perfect ending to 1995’s Most Failed Boat Orgy, Hand Stuff & Under Division.

Bonus Content for Hunk Lovers Only: There’s an ad on the end of the VHS for the production company’s flagship series, America’s Hunkiest Home Videos. It is nothing more than amateur footage sent in from nude maniacs splashing water on themselves. Most women recognize this as their least wanted Instagram DMs, but in 1995, it was a thing you could buy! Nude dads mowing lawns, lonely guys in bathtubs… it even featured Unnamed Ginger Creep Making Love to His Garden Hose!

And splish splash, ladies! It’s fan-favorite, Unnamed Mook Swatting Bath Water Onto His Dong! Speaking of, I know we’ve all sort of reached our limit for flopping penises today, so I’ll carefully censor this one. Thanks, everyone! Hope you enjoyed the hunks!

Categories
FUCKING DAY

Fucking Day: How to Meet, Date, and Marry Your Filipina Wife

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PODCASTING DAY

Podcasting Day: Battle Dome with Mark Mahoney 🌭

In 1999, trend-chasing producers tried to add pro wrestling and horniness to American Gladiators, a thing already pretty horny and pro wrestly. They called their monster Battle Dome.

To make sense of where they went right, but mostly very wrong, we invited World Wide Web funnyman, Mark “Bad Candy Mark” Mahoney, onto the Dogg Zzzone to discuss it. Which was very lucky because he owns the only existing copy of Battle Dome, a homemade DVD rip he bought from a man who stole it from a library. As you may have suspected by how you’ve never heard of Battle Dome, the world realized immediately there was no place in civilization for whatever Battle Dome was.

Listen here! Or wherever you get podcasts!

You’re welcome for explaining Battle Dome! True warriors battle us on Like and dome us on Subscribe! Plus, our online store is a real hot dog treat!