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Learning Day: The Useless Droid
Author: Seanbaby
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Nerding Day: 101 Hamburger Jokes ðŸŒ
Perfection. I’m speaking, of course, about the title of the 1978 book by Phil Hirsch and Don Orehek, 101 HAMBURGER JOKES.
101 HAMBURGER JOKES. There are no other three words so descriptive and fun, and I will say that right to an Aliens Versus Predator poster. If I was trying to come up with a funny name for a fake book and my brain landed on “101 Hamburger Jokes,” I would take the rest of the day off to buy trophies. 101 Hamburger Jokes is what we should have called this website. It’s a careless shrug from an accidental genius. It says both “keep your expectations reasonable” and “I’m from a better world, where Zany is the only language.” It is both a wink from a magical comedy pixie and a tired sales pitch from a man holding 70 hamburger jokes.
Betrayal. What is this? Phil Hirsch dressed a burger up like a cat. Then he asked you what he had done. Then he explains, yes, you guessed right: cat-burger, but not some kind of burger-cat like you’re thinking. He’s a cat-burger (burglar), because the burger part is a pun on a concept we didn’t establish. And how dare he. This is many things –many things– but a hamburger joke is not one of them.
Well, yeah. Sure. I mean, what else would it be? This isn’t a hamburger joke. It’s not even a hamburger riddle. This is what you would draw if you were playing a sad Pictionary game by yourself. Sorry, let me translate that into burger. This is a Pictionary clue Veal Armstrong would draw if Bun Aldrin abandoned him on the moon!
Phil published this the year “Cheeseburger in Paradise” was the 32nd most popular song. The song “I’m Your Boogie Man” was literally the number one hit while he was writing it. And there he was in a world of burger and burger soundalike songs expecting readers to think, “A hamburger’s most familiar song? Oh, oh! It’s got to one about range! Something about range, come on, think.” Get the fuck out of here, Phil.
They feel at home on the ra– oh, god damn it, Phil. So even the “101” part of 101 HAMBURGER JOKES was a lie!? Fuck you.
I really wanted to love this book. Let me see if I can find a good one…
No. This feels like the world’s greatest lawyer making a case for why puns should carry the death penalty. Someone really thought they could turn 40% of all words into forced meat references and simply carry on communicating like a human. Oh, and it looks like Phil tried cat-burger (burglar) again, somehow not making a reference to burglary a second time. Phil, if cat-burger (burglar) is your punchline, the set up is either “What kind of a burger steals?” or “What’s the most popular food (and most common occupation) in Cincinnati?”
Phil, you son of a bitch. Don’t make this about meat type.
Oh, very funny, Phil. You’ve made the hot dog the ugliest girl at the meat ball, over in the corner talking to ham. I’m not going to go back and forth like this with you. You know you were wrong for “cat-burger (burglar)” and for trying that desperate “Home on the Range” bullshit two different times. Can we get back to a normal article where we just enjoy your perfectly-named book, 101 HAMBURGER JOKES?
I’ll take that as a yes. Thank you, Phil.
Now that we’re being civil, I want to try to understand what’s happening here. There seems to be a way of things in this hamburger joke world. Is that a human priest marrying those food monsters? If so, it implies they live among us and we legally recognize their love. We share a God and can break His laws together. Maybe if we can understand this universe the jokes will start to make sense?
First off, let’s verify the scale of things. Is that really a full-size priest, or did these snacks climb to the top of a wedding cake to play make-believe with the topper? Is it a world where humans are burger-sized? Let me find one with some hard numbers.
Okay, this is great. I’m not sure what anyone would do with this in any other context. Not laugh, probably, but it does establish the burgers in this book are roughly human-sized and have combat sports. Does that mean a person can box a cheeseburger? If they get hurt do they go to a human doctor or are there meat medical scho– wait, hold on. In this world, do man and meat fuck?
Whoa, that’s closer to a definitive yes than I was expecting. You might notice there is no pun or wordplay in this one. Phil just changed an entire unrelated word to hamburgers, which is cheating even by his loose code of joke ethics. He had to keep those patty holes in his book at all costs. He wanted us to know they were there. Because a kid’s joke book could never come right out and say, “Human men sexually dominate these burger people, and here’s a picture of it.”
I was wrong. I’m so happy I was wrong!
This one is troubling. I think it’s a nightmare Phil has about falling and realizing everyone can see his tampon string (plus he’s a burger dog). We’re offered six (6!!!) choices for the “punchline,” and not a single one of them describes what is plainly a dog burger. If that thing walked onto a cartoon, you wouldn’t have to introduce it. That’s fucking Dog Burger, maybe Puppy With-Cheese. If anything looks at this and says, “Wow, a football stadium with the seats removed,” hit it in the head with a hammer. But forget all that. It’s frustrating and I hate it, but forget it. This one tells us these burgers have smaller, animal burgers as pets! And, maybe more importantly, you leash a burger by shoving one end of the leash inside them where an “asshole” might be found on you or me.
We’re learning a lot. Not about comedy, but about what it takes to build a world where meat can walk and love. Today, if someone started up a discussion about defining burger gender you’d brace yourself for something worse than shitty wordplay, but remember, these burgers live in 1978. And maybe a darker one than ours, because here’s one about blackface:
Let’s give as much credit to a man making blackface burger puns as we can– that picture of hamburger Al Jolson could have been a lot worse. Now, for a lot of reasons, I want to get back to burger fucking.
“Draw me a burger who fucks people,” said Phil, right before Don Orehek won nothing less than the Nobel Prize for Pervert Burger Illustration. Why do they sign headshots afterward? Patty, if you have to ask… look, the point is, anything goes in this world. All burgers are men, horny fuck-champion men, and they don’t care if you’re hot dogs or people.
Or barely lega– wait, oh no. I know how this question is going to sound, but what is the age of consent in a world where you can have sex with cheeseburgers? Because, and again I know how this is going to sound, I’m not going to fuck a burger more than 3 years old.
Let’s ignore Phil’s sloppy reach for a pun here. Phil Hirsch couldn’t write a joke with a burger and a dick hole, and he’s proven specifically that. But he can offer up fascinating ideas. Does this hamburger joke mean the buns are women? How does that work? Is there penetration, or is their reproductive process more like hermit crabs changing shells? How do these living, working, sentient burgers make more of themselves?
Oh my god. Are the burgers made from the remains of the humans? I need to know if that hamburger is going to grind up meat that can beg him to stop or if being ground up is a normal part of a meat’s work day. Is this a ritualized death ceremony? You can’t casually draw a picture of a hamburger walking into a slaughterhouse.
So they’re meat made from flesh, but their blood is catsup!? And some hamburgers rise from the dead to feed on it? And they feed by freaking out at Burger King until someone gives them a medical ketchup transfusion! To think Phil created all of this, a sudden world of hungry burger vampires terrorizing fast food restaurants, just for that gasping beached whale of a punchline… it’s almost beautiful in its tragedy. It’s like lovingly nursing a sick tiger back to health only to sell it to Mike Tyson.
The rules of the hamburger world seem mostly defined by the whims of Phil’s strained puns. So burgers go to school, but either for 1800 years or just to get grilled alive for a few minutes. Their flesh comes from cows, but they have sex with teen humans named Patty. And speaking of, if you live in this world, know this about the burgers, and still name your daughter Patty, what are you doing? No, answer me. Why’d you name her Patty, meat fucker?
I guess the problem with a world built around a dumb idiot’s dumbest wordplay is that Phil keeps squashing meat into words where it doesn’t make sense.
See, look at this stupid son of a bitch. He added the word “meat” to a word but didn’t change its meaning or function. This is like saying “What kind of ball of meat did the meat become? A meatball (meatball)!” A regular thermometer will tell you the temperature of your burger, you fucking dumbshi– oh wait, I just now realized we haven’t established whether or not these burgers are still food.
They are food! But they don’t want to be!? Dear god, when people go through the buffet line, does that baby burger beg for his life? You might think I’m doing a bit where I’m overthinking 101 HAMBURGER JOKES, but I’m not. I genuinely think you need to establish the basic hamburger rules of life and death before it’s funny to kill them. Or maybe not, because look at this fun mess:
So that burger dressed up like a rooster to have sex with chickens, or maybe dressed up like a rooster for another reason and this is a happy accident, but then, in addition to that, a man is stalking him with an axe. To kill the intruder in his chicken coop? Or is he also fooled by the disguise and his intention is to eat what he thinks is a rooster? And if you do kill a chicken who happens to be a burger in disguise, are you disappointed? Do you say, “Oh, gross! It’s not a raw chicken, but a fully cooked cheeseburger! Aww man, and his balls are absolutely drained.”
Jesus Christ! So in the 101 HAMBURGER JOKES world everyone is food, including the reader? This is… fuck. I don’t know what to do with this. It’s like a dad joke you’d tell if you and your son were eating a hitchhiker. Let’s maybe change gears and do a desperate overreaching pun one…
Unidentified? Phil, you have identified hamburgers twice a joke for over fifty jokes! And UFOs don’t “fry” unless… oh damn it, is this more racism? It was a bad idea to try to figure out Phil’s comedy. I’m going back to trying to figure out his worldbuilding.
So hamburgers watch human entertainment, but weirdly translate actor names into their own language? Like Spanish class? What happens if someone has a name that can’t be meat punned like Mads Mikkelsen? Never mind, Meats MikkelSous-vide. One second, though; what happens if a different burger names him Wads Meatelbun?
Now I’m confused. This burger has a human name, but plays baseball in a burger-pun town, and he only throws fastballs? I’m never going to figure this out. Let’s skip to the last hamburger joke and see how Phil wraps this up.
I have to hand it to Phil. This has a clunky set up, but would not get you fired from a mid-tier popsicle stick copywriting job. And what’s this? Some kind of final hamburger joke quiz? Oh, hell yeah.
It’s pretty bold to open a quiz with a repeat of a joke the reader saw one page ago, but it’s even bolder to make the answer to every multiple choice question the write-in option of “I’m a fucking stupid meatball.” Phil Hirsch is an anti-comedy golem built from the sadness of a thousand war crimes, but I can’t remember the last time I read a book with this many surprises.
…
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Chris Brower, the real meat broilwer who, lettuce say, char beefins the range-iest pickle hams we know!
In 2004, a struggling TV network decided to create their own American Idol, but entirely out of the good parts. And in 2004, that meant the hilarious audition failures. WB’s Superstar USA was a short-sighted fool’s idea. It was like trying to recreate your bachelor party weekend out of just the diarrhea part. To be clear, this was a show designed to lure bad singers into a Truman Show trap and sometimes try to fuck them!
Listen here, or wherever you get podcasts, to this mean-spirited prank with no exit strategy that went on far too long and may have ruined televised humiliation forever! Our guest is our own audio engineer Jamie Kelly, who is right now learning this podcast isn’t real and Tone Loc and Vitamin C have been watching her pointlessly edit fake discussions about karate movies for months. Everyone you love is robots; you are on DZ’s Superstar 900! Congratulations, Jamie!
There are only two things I appreciate about anime– the high effort line art and the effortless horniness. So I’m very excited to learn about both from the 188 page art manual, the Sexy Anime DRAWING BOOK: EASY TECHNIQUES AND STEP-BY-STEP ON HOW TO DRAW 29 SEXY ANIME GIRLS by Melody Love (2020).
With that title and that cover, I imagine you have very specific expectations of this book: Melody is going to teach us how to make our own pornography at home. You’re not wrong, but I think there’s also a mystery story here. I looked up the author and despite her talent and shameless love of thigh gaps, she’s not among the top four most popular Melody Loves. The first is a porn actress, the second is a Puerto Rican activist in Rhode Island, the third is a cosmetics company, and the fourth is a different artist named Melody Love. As far as I can tell, this Melody Love dropped from the stars two years ago to write this book and then went into hiding. Maybe we can learn more from the book’s weirdly long introduction?
This is a lot to go on. In only the first sentence we learn Melody hates drawing which is a strange revelation in a drawing book. Still in the first sentence, we also learn Melody doesn’t have a problem associating her sexy anime pictures with childhood development. Imagine if someone walked up to you and said, “Kids hate to draw, even sexy, writhing ladies, so you need to beg them. Now that I’ve established my deal, here is some parenting advice.” You don’t have to imagine it! Because that’s what happened!
This might be nothing more than poor phrasing. Let’s keep reading to see if Melody corrects herself.
No, Melody is in fact very specific that it is this book, The Sexy Anime Drawing Book, she wants you to give your child. And she assumes your child is a boy, specifically an insecure boy who really needs a win, even if it means you throwing the big titty drawing competition the two of you are having.
I have to be honest– this book’s introduction is so close to an unformed joke I would make about it that it feels like a prank. If I was sleepy and cranky and you handed me The Sexy Anime Drawing Book, I might actually say, “Ha ha what’s the book’s intro? Something like, ‘remember, perverts, to draw the little girl’s vagina bones wrong so you don’t discourage any nearby underage pornographers!’ Jesus, I went dark, sorry. I hate this anime shit.” And yet here it is. Melody Love sincerely said it.
Speaking of Melody Love, I’m starting to think the person named after a porn star who draws male gaze smut for little boys and uses “he” as the default term for people might not be who “she” says they are. And there are more clues found in the titty physics. These drawings are based around a lonely Playstation owner’s understanding of how boobs work, not someone who has successfully strapped and unstrapped them from a bra.
“Melody” continues “her” long sales pitch on why you should give topless girl drawing lessons to children. She admits some kids will defy you and draw “a flower and tree, etc” rather than a dirty shaved teen who needs it now. “Don’t scold him over this,” she says. Every boy goes through a phase where he prefers not to work in his father’s pornography sweatshop. She all but comes out and says, “Be patient with him, because that boy was me, dripping hole artist Melody Love.”
“Melody Love” isn’t done. She is at the point of every crazy person’s manifesto where her unspeakable ideals actually make her a hero? And maybe this weird guy named after a woman he sometimes masturbates to is right. Maybe these drawings are how we bridge the communication gap between the perverted and the disabled. I hope not, but let’s keep in mind how much we’re helping the children as we learn how to draw these naked ladies.
Like her thoughts on preschool art, Melody’s style is a bit strange. She puts drawings together by building them out of perfect silhouettes, like an animator who has drawn the same girl showing you her panties thousands of times. Her instructions always begin the same way: first you draw the red lines, then the green, yellow, and blue lines. Since the book was printed in black and white, this advice is less helpful than you’d think. This is someone who can do one thing right, draw children in underpants, and literally nothing fucking else.
Across steps 1 through 8, two full pages of text, Melody offers no useful advice. She has told us to copy six different colors of lines, five of which don’t exist, complimented herself on her great drawing, and told us to color it following the example provided which, of course, has no color. It’s like this guy heard there were a hundred ways a How to Draw Sexy Anime Girls book could go wrong and he thought, “I’ll triple it.“
Let’s take a look at some more of the other 29 sexy anime gi– hold on, these steps are exactly the same for every drawing! Look at this:
So this one is a busty girl in an American flag bikini with the body language and eyes of someone unable to move because of some paralytic agent. But instead of expert tips on adding fear to your subject, it’s the exact same steps, like almost word-for-word. Melody did 29 porno drawings and then slightly rewrote one set of instructions for all of them. Which means 58 pages of this book are basically identical. I don’t even know how to review something like thi– hold on, there’s an About the Author!
Ha ha ha this book was self-published in 2020 and “Melody Love,” the natural talent, thought she could create a backstory where she was “a world-known artist” who sold so many paintings she opened her own gallery. This is a huge accomplishment for a pervert flaunting their sex crimes. By the way, I couldn’t find any of her art online, but I did find a mention of her gallery after the words “boy long penis feet” on a dot mom website for business mothers.
Let’s read more about Melody Love’s very real origin story.
Melody, despite achieving all her dreams easily, wanted more. She wanted to share her talent with horny boys of all ages. To educate not t(h)rough lessons, but with step-by-step instru– hold on, that’s what lessons are, you fucking idiot. You goddamn fucking idiot, did you think spacing titty drawings out across several steps was an invention!? A beautiful dream to be pursued by an idle millionaire!?
Here’s my feedback: your book is fucking insane and terrible, you maniac pervert! Plus, your name is fake and you forgot to include an email, address, or website! It’s a true achievement in failure that you’re a hopeful child predator and yet most people will remember you for your stupidity. In the make-believe autobiography you wrote where you could be and do anything, you spent an entire paragraph begging to hear from parents who draw naked women with their kids. And thanks to your spectacular idiocy, you won’t.
I guess that’s it for this book? Is there something on the back cover that can help make sense of it?
No, just more stuff about drawing nude ladies with kids. Jesus Christ, do they ever shut up about this?
No! In fact, this person is so obsessed with children learning how to draw naked women they add “actually adults love them too” as a last minute sales pitch. Yes, Melody! We know! Normal people consider adults the default audience for “adult material.” This is nuts. It’s like if a Pampers commercial said, “Eating cat food out of a wet diaper isn’t just for Naughty Andy anymore. Pampers are now available for… babies?”
I feel like this book was too troubling to be fun. Luckily, I predicted an anime drawing manual would be exactly that so I bought a backup. Let’s read THE BEST GUIDE BOOK TO DRAWING Sexy Anime: The How to Draw Book You’ll Ever Need to Learn Drawing Sexy Anime by Vivian Ice.
This seems more like it. It’s got the broken English I want in my manga lesson, and a bunch of fleshy shapes my brain recognizes as anime and thus ignores. The author’s name, Vivian Ice, is a little suspicious. She sounds like she should be catching Melody Love with her stepson in a movie called What Her Name FFM Boy Long Penis Feet, but let’s give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she’s a real person giving real perversion instructions. Let’s skip the Googling and Introduction and get straight to the art:
Vivian takes a much different approach to her art lessons. She wants you to construct your porn girl out of crop circles for the first several steps. It helps to think of the female form as a very fussy BattleTech encounter. Vivian suggests drawing your lady’s bikini at this point, somewhere near the center of one of the larger circles. In both anime illustration and interplanetary travel, this moist gap is called the mons pubis sector.
After five more steps, you’ll see how your circles have turned into a cartoon girl, with more circles used to add terror to her eyes. Wait a second. This is going to sound crazy, but I feel like I know this girl.
Oh, that’s how I know her! This is the terrified American flag bikini girl from The Sexy Anime Drawing Book by Melody Love! Both books were published in 2020, so I’m not sure which anime author with a fake pornstar name stole this drawing from the other. Unless… no. No. I need to check this book’s introduction.
Oh my god, this guy made up a second fake name to write a second book for children about drawing naked women!? Wait, okay, let’s not jump to any conclusions. Maybe Vivian Ice is just a lady who loved drawing this porn book but wouldn’t want you to, like, use it with your son.
Okay, she does. Vivian Ice wants you to draw topless girls with your son, and she carefully mentions it several times during the intro and on the back cover.
Vivian/Melody even gives the same tip to let your son feel better about his pornographic illustrations by making sure yours are a little bit worse. I have literally never seen anyone lay out their criminal perversion like this. Vivian Ice is the kind of person who would get caught stealing your clothes at the laundromat and say, “It’s not what it looks like! Eating toddler underpants is the only thing that excites me!”
I’m bailing on this book too. Let’s never think about Melody Love and/or Vivian Ice again. Luckily, I have many more books in my How to Draw Only Fucked Up section of my library, so I’m going to pick one and do a whole new article starting now. It’s not a great time for this, but I want to thank beloved Internet artist Rusty Shackles for his amazing Anime Week art.
Welcome to Anime Week! Thank you, Rusty Shackles, for the custom header art! This book seems close enough to anime: How to Draw Sexy Women: Step-by-Step Guide (2019) by Andy Hopper.
Wait, what’s the fucking rest of that fucking title, Andy?
Best Sexy Women Drawing Book for You and Your Kids!? What the fucking fuck!? If this is Melody and Vivian again I’m going to fucking scream. Sigh, let’s look at the back cover. Of this titty drawing book:
Aiiieeeeee!!!! This is the exact same copy from Melody and Vivian’s books! Only sort of re-written to babble in different directions about how important drawing pornography is to kids!? If this wasn’t written from prison, why do we even have laws?
As if you didn’t know, the introduction is the same too, but also not quite. And sure enough, this is exactly what it looks like. “Andy Hopper,” sometimes known as “Vivian Ice,” once known as “Melody Love,” self-publishes hundreds of kids books on everything from Star Wars knockoffs to Disney knockoffs to porn illustrating. Andy, or a team of “Andys” blast online bookstores with painstakingly illustrated word diarrhea on the thinnest of profit margins. Ethically and financially, it’s the same business model as going door-to-door and offering to eat the tiniest underwear in the house for $11.74.
So it’s possible Andy is only a forgetful pervert, not a child predator. These strange intros about nude women being fun for kids might just be the generic boilerplate he puts in the front of all his books, right? No! NO! If that was the case, why would Andy rewrite it every time!? He has made at least three books about erotic art and written original copy explicitly stating they were for children at every conceivable opportunity. He did it on the front cover of this one!
Another funny thing Andy rewrites in every book (many of which are filled with stolen intellectual property) is his “Copyright Notes.” This one “hereto refers” to itself as The Book, a good idea when The Book’s full title is How to Draw Sexy Women Step-by-Step Guide Best Sexy Women Drawing Book for You and Your Kids. Andy makes it extremely clear that while he is trying to sell pornography to children, you assume all the risk and responsibility found or contained therein, penis feet thusly. Best of luck, Andy!
What the hell, let’s look inside:
In Chapter 2, “How to Draw Sexy Woman 2,” Andy shows us the proper way to build a dayshift stripper three weeks from retirement using mostly tubes.
She’s looking a little rough there, but wait until you see the colored version! And by “colored version,” Andy means the same black and white drawing from 16 pages earlier.
“She looks sad, daddy.”
“She is sad, sweetheart.”
“I want to stop drawing her now, dad.”
“I know, son, but look how ugly my naughty nurse is. You’re winning the naughty nurse drawing competition! You’re the best pornographer in the family!”
“And there it is. All units move in.”
“W-what? Son? You were wearing a wire!?”
Categories
Fucking Day: Sex Spells ðŸŒ
This Fucking Day we’re reading a book called Sex Spells, and right away I’ve proven magic doesn’t exist, because if it did, that would be the name of every book.
Stella Damiana published Sex Spells: The Magical Path to Erotic Bliss in 2006, five years after 60 Sexy Spells of Seduction by Gilly Sergiev, a nearly identical book about transmogrifying horniness into a scented candle hobby. I say “nearly identical,” but despite having the exact same goals (fucking), the spells are very different (nonsense). I don’t know if it’s because one of them is an artificer and the other is a druid or if it’s because all of this is stupid, but let’s go through Stella’s book and learn how to crush ass like a wizard.
Going in, Stella knows you have some questions. Questions like, “Wait, this isn’t a joke?” and “Do you think this is real?” or “Do you think I do?” and “Are there mage cops who will investigate what I’ve done?” But she only answers one: “How come?” And her only answer is: “I don’t know, man, magic is cheaper than dildos?” This is actually the tone of most of the book– a nerd who hasn’t really thought any of this through but figures if you’re already fucking, you might as well play D&D at the same time?
Oh, and when I call Stella a “nerd,” I don’t mean that in a cute way. I mean this woman definitely wrote the newsletter for her Asheron’s Call guild which she named “Keeping it Pyreal” after her 11th cat. I don’t expect you to read this next page I clipped; I just want you to know there are dozens and dozens exactly like it. Stella spends at least 20,000 unsexy words fussing over magic user insider terms like “Witch” as if her readers bought a fuck ritual book to finally put to rest the great “magic vs. magick” spelling debate.
Like you, I wanted to get straight to the sex spells, but I did find a couple gems in Stella’s pedantic rambling. She wants to let the reader know that while magic is very real, it also doesn’t do anything and you shouldn’t expect it to fix your life. She gives two great examples of when magic isn’t enough– when someone is threatening you, and when you’re horny and someone doesn’t want to fuck you.
According to Stella, if you’re being attacked, “it would be sensible to learn a martial art.” In other words, you will raise your M Defense over the course of this sex magic book, but you’re going to want to put some skill points into Karate. It’s worth reminding everyone this is not only a real human woman being serious, but one who thinks she can teach you how to fuck.
This nerd also reminds sex pests to, you know, “do everything you can” before you resort to supernatural coercion. I’m not a mage cop, but I think the words “compel that person to your side by means of supernatural forces” is a pretty clear confession of a 42-⛧C, the mage police code for “witch groping.”
Let’s skip ahead to the spells.
Not all of the spells are human rights violations. For instance, A SPELL TO SUMMON MORE STAMINA, great name, is a cardio and boner ritual. All you need is 1 red candle, something awesomely called “High John the Conqueror oil,” and “Sharp knife.” The spell itself isn’t very complicated– you rub some of the High John the Conqueror oil on the candle and you’re officially a witch because that’s the whole thing. The third ingredient is only there so your partner remembers you’re a literal wizard holding a knife and maybe this lovemaking deserves their best effort.
The DRAW TOGETHER SPELL is a little less complicated. All you need is a rope, a little caution, and yes, I know what you’re thinking. Does it legally count as “consent” if you’re tying them up and magically forcing them to love you? Look, Stella doesn’t have all the answers, but if she’s approaching you with a bag of reagents it would be, in her words, sensible to learn a martial art.
For the PULL-YOU-TO-ME SPELL, Stella teaches you how to stroke a candle with oil to seduce an unwilling lover. It sounds easy, but if you fuck it up, the invocation polarity gets reversed and you cast the PUSH-YOU-AWAY-FROM-ME SPELL. Weirdly, this is the only spell in the book Stella warns you may cast by accident. Every other ritual is caveated with language like, “it may not work at first” or “you should also maybe learn karate,” but Stella is fully confident the PUSH-YOU-AWAY-FROM-ME SPELL is going to work for her readers. Again, weirdly.
If you have a pen and paper and your sex partner is also a magic user, you can try the SEXY SIGIL SPELL. This is really how you do it: you each write down what you want, cross out any duplicate words, and make an anagram from the remaining letters. Then you each memorize it, keeping it in mind while you make love. If you’ve ever fucked after a night of board games, you’ve cast this spell, which oh my god, explains why I found that Gloomhaven minotaur in my wife.
After telling us about 25 instant recipes to bone anyone we want with only a knife and rope, Stella says “there are no instant recipes for success with sex.” Then she starts in on a chapter about “the senses.” I’ve seen a lot of sex authors hit a wall before they’ve finished their book, but we are only halfway through and this magic nerd has smashed into that wall unused genitals-first. Maybe she thought the ideas would come to her, but after “porking anyone” and “porking longer,” her spellbook was empty. So here we are getting her thoughts on how to use sex magic to enhance the sense of sight:
Stella has five visual sex magic ideas which are, in chronological order: watch porn together, cast spells, cosplay as the porn people, cast spells, and have fun. Maybe she thought her readers would go straight to the HYPNOTIZE THE BALDING CLERK AT PETSMART SPELL and skip over these raw notes from the world’s saddest brainstorming session.
I’m not sure how to even follow this advice. She wants me to watch porn and dress like the characters? Maybe in 2006 you could do that when erotic films were about cheerleaders and delivery men. I don’t think it works today. I’m not going to put on the chain belt from Milfs Look Right Into the Camera and Make it Clear the Viewer is Meant to Be Their Biological Son 7. Maybe Stella is picturing a zany XXX movie parody? If so, should amateur wizards really be making porn parodies of porn parodies? I know enough about magic to know that sounds like a TURN YOUR DICKHOLE INSIDE OUT RITUAL. Sorry for the rough language. I’m a little cranky because I got tricked into this Spider-Woman costume and prolapsed dickhole.
The great thing about Taste magic, or “kitchen witchery,” is that you are already doing it if you season your food. If you haven’t noticed, the expectations in this book are pretty low. By Stella’s standards, an unburnt egg sandwich is a level 9 conjuration. And it will taste fine if you’re a non-magical piece of shit. Ah, but if you’re “attuned to a magical life?” Then, only then, will you appreciate the complexities of food spices and use them to enhance your lovemaking. I think I can translate this for you: Stella once fucked in some soup and decided it made her Fairy Queen of Progresso.
This entire section seems very forced, and Stella comes across smug and condescending. I don’t think it represents her true personality of horny dingbat, so let’s skip ahead to a fun one:
The MOULIN ROUGE SPELL is my favorite spell in all the book. It takes four times the materials and preparation of the most powerful FUCK YOUR WAY TO ANYTHING spell, plus you have to bind the night goddess Hecate to your will. You call upon her cosmos-burning powers! Center the flames on you, and only you! Now! Unleash them! Unleash them to sort of make a big splash when you show up at an event! “By the radiance of the night, I HAVE ARRIVED!” you shall scream into the intercom outside your friend’s building. All eyes will be upon you when you tell the hostess, “CAN YOU NOT HEAR THE SCREAMS OF THE STARS!? HECATE AND I WILL TAKE A TABLE FOR TWO, AND BY THAT, YES, I MEAN A TABLE FOR ONE!!”
And again, I don’t want to sound like a dick, but if your magical spell for making a big entrance requires you to put on your most flamboyant and luscious clothes, can you really call that a magical spell? This is sort of like tying someone up with a rope and thanking the rope god for bringing you a lover. Speaking of testable science, here’s the potion recipe for calling God:
I’m starting to worry Stella is making all this up. Only because these are the two oils Jesus got on his birthday and salad dressing, which is exactly what I think the dumbest idiot would come up with if you asked them how to call God with a potion.
I mentioned this earlier, but this is not my first sex spell book. So I knew we would eventually get to a ritual where we read love poems to a doll made out of our victim’s hair. These are called “poppets” and as long as they have two ears and kind of look human, you can die alone, but with the knowledge that if you could force a person to fuck you, you would.
Magic is easy and foolproof, but not very fast and Stella needs it now. So pick up your phone and call your lov– you know what? We don’t have time for a call. Or some long text conversation where one of you is all, “I told you not to contact me after I found your doll made out of me hair.” Instead, just text your message of desire directly to Ganesha. What happens next is up to you!
A. “yeah, i’m up. you gonna get this elephant trunk wet, girl?”
B. “witch, my girl knows my passcode and she’s the no bullshit goddess of death”
C. Roaming rates may apply to users outside the Infinite Celestial Realm lmao!
D. “I told you not to contact me after you asked me to help kidnap that hair doll guy.”
Let’s do some more quick sex spell tips:
This is an idea only wizards know– make a CD of your favorite music and bone to it!
Have you non-mages heard of “erotic dancing?” This erotic dancing thing going around? It’s like moving around, but oh boy, not like any moving around you’ve ever seen!
Okay, all jokes aside, this is good advice for people who need to charge an amulet and it never occurred to them to smear their wet dick on it.
When you’ve made it your job to give financial sex ritual advice and you say “try squirting on your loose change,” you’ve done it. You’re the best there will ever be and they should retire your jersey. And yet Stella isn’t done. She tells us another thing only witches know about sex– sometimes you need it, and you need it now.
Texting Ganesha is fine when your holes can wait two or three seconds. SPONTANEOUS RITUALS are for when things are urgent. These can be done instantly and with no preparation. What you want to do is call a deity, any deity, and shout into the night how open you are. This is a woman who thinks magic is real and she’s pleading to unnamed primal gods for dick. It’s a loneliness too glorious for human eyes to look upon, but before we get too sad, let’s remember the time she taught us how to get rich quick by cumming on cash.
Stella decided, after 80 pages of sex crimes and summoning prehistoric dark forces to penetrate her every orifice, it might be time to go over some safety tips.
This is all pretty standard stuff. Respect your partner, be prepared to modify your spell if a weird monster shows u– wait, holy shit, safe words don’t work with sex magic and it’s not safe to stop!? What have you gotten us into, Stella? Are you telling me I have to smear this stuff on my cash for the rest of my life? I buy my kid toys with this fucking cash, Stella!
Before she closes with fifty pages of herb spreadsheets, Stella includes a small section for single witches who jerk off with magic, as if the rest of this book was for someone else. And while she never convinced me spells were real, or that she has had sex, I do think she commands unknowable powers. To be clear, she thinks second base is pulling her butt apart and standing in front of an Addams Family Values poster, but she told her potential reader, a forsaken witch about to magically masturbate, they’re “not necessarily beautiful in any obvious way.” And there’s no way you put together an insult that destructive without the help of dark forces.
