In 2004, a struggling TV network decided to create their own American Idol, but entirely out of the good parts. And in 2004, that meant the hilarious audition failures. WB’s Superstar USA was a short-sighted fool’s idea. It was like trying to recreate your bachelor party weekend out of just the diarrhea part. To be clear, this was a show designed to lure bad singers into a Truman Show trap and sometimes try to fuck them!
Listen here, or wherever you get podcasts, to this mean-spirited prank with no exit strategy that went on far too long and may have ruined televised humiliation forever! Our guest is our own audio engineer Jamie Kelly, who is right now learning this podcast isn’t real and Tone Loc and Vitamin C have been watching her pointlessly edit fake discussions about karate movies for months. Everyone you love is robots; you are on DZ’s Superstar 900! Congratulations, Jamie!
There are only two things I appreciate about anime– the high effort line art and the effortless horniness. So I’m very excited to learn about both from the 188 page art manual, the Sexy Anime DRAWING BOOK: EASY TECHNIQUES AND STEP-BY-STEP ON HOW TO DRAW 29 SEXY ANIME GIRLS by Melody Love (2020).
With that title and that cover, I imagine you have very specific expectations of this book: Melody is going to teach us how to make our own pornography at home. You’re not wrong, but I think there’s also a mystery story here. I looked up the author and despite her talent and shameless love of thigh gaps, she’s not among the top four most popular Melody Loves. The first is a porn actress, the second is a Puerto Rican activist in Rhode Island, the third is a cosmetics company, and the fourth is a different artist named Melody Love. As far as I can tell, this Melody Love dropped from the stars two years ago to write this book and then went into hiding. Maybe we can learn more from the book’s weirdly long introduction?
This is a lot to go on. In only the first sentence we learn Melody hates drawing which is a strange revelation in a drawing book. Still in the first sentence, we also learn Melody doesn’t have a problem associating her sexy anime pictures with childhood development. Imagine if someone walked up to you and said, “Kids hate to draw, even sexy, writhing ladies, so you need to beg them. Now that I’ve established my deal, here is some parenting advice.” You don’t have to imagine it! Because that’s what happened!
This might be nothing more than poor phrasing. Let’s keep reading to see if Melody corrects herself.
No, Melody is in fact very specific that it is this book, The Sexy Anime Drawing Book, she wants you to give your child. And she assumes your child is a boy, specifically an insecure boy who really needs a win, even if it means you throwing the big titty drawing competition the two of you are having.
I have to be honest– this book’s introduction is so close to an unformed joke I would make about it that it feels like a prank. If I was sleepy and cranky and you handed me The Sexy Anime Drawing Book, I might actually say, “Ha ha what’s the book’s intro? Something like, ‘remember, perverts, to draw the little girl’s vagina bones wrong so you don’t discourage any nearby underage pornographers!’ Jesus, I went dark, sorry. I hate this anime shit.” And yet here it is. Melody Love sincerely said it.
Speaking of Melody Love, I’m starting to think the person named after a porn star who draws male gaze smut for little boys and uses “he” as the default term for people might not be who “she” says they are. And there are more clues found in the titty physics. These drawings are based around a lonely Playstation owner’s understanding of how boobs work, not someone who has successfully strapped and unstrapped them from a bra.
“Melody” continues “her” long sales pitch on why you should give topless girl drawing lessons to children. She admits some kids will defy you and draw “a flower and tree, etc” rather than a dirty shaved teen who needs it now. “Don’t scold him over this,” she says. Every boy goes through a phase where he prefers not to work in his father’s pornography sweatshop. She all but comes out and says, “Be patient with him, because that boy was me, dripping hole artist Melody Love.”
“Melody Love” isn’t done. She is at the point of every crazy person’s manifesto where her unspeakable ideals actually make her a hero? And maybe this weird guy named after a woman he sometimes masturbates to is right. Maybe these drawings are how we bridge the communication gap between the perverted and the disabled. I hope not, but let’s keep in mind how much we’re helping the children as we learn how to draw these naked ladies.
Like her thoughts on preschool art, Melody’s style is a bit strange. She puts drawings together by building them out of perfect silhouettes, like an animator who has drawn the same girl showing you her panties thousands of times. Her instructions always begin the same way: first you draw the red lines, then the green, yellow, and blue lines. Since the book was printed in black and white, this advice is less helpful than you’d think. This is someone who can do one thing right, draw children in underpants, and literally nothing fucking else.
Across steps 1 through 8, two full pages of text, Melody offers no useful advice. She has told us to copy six different colors of lines, five of which don’t exist, complimented herself on her great drawing, and told us to color it following the example provided which, of course, has no color. It’s like this guy heard there were a hundred ways a How to Draw Sexy Anime Girls book could go wrong and he thought, “I’ll triple it.“
Let’s take a look at some more of the other 29 sexy anime gi– hold on, these steps are exactly the same for every drawing! Look at this:
So this one is a busty girl in an American flag bikini with the body language and eyes of someone unable to move because of some paralytic agent. But instead of expert tips on adding fear to your subject, it’s the exact same steps, like almost word-for-word. Melody did 29 porno drawings and then slightly rewrote one set of instructions for all of them. Which means 58 pages of this book are basically identical. I don’t even know how to review something like thi– hold on, there’s an About the Author!
Ha ha ha this book was self-published in 2020 and “Melody Love,” the natural talent, thought she could create a backstory where she was “a world-known artist” who sold so many paintings she opened her own gallery. This is a huge accomplishment for a pervert flaunting their sex crimes. By the way, I couldn’t find any of her art online, but I did find a mention of her gallery after the words “boy long penis feet” on a dot mom website for business mothers.
Let’s read more about Melody Love’s very real origin story.
Melody, despite achieving all her dreams easily, wanted more. She wanted to share her talent with horny boys of all ages. To educate not t(h)rough lessons, but with step-by-step instru– hold on, that’s what lessons are, you fucking idiot. You goddamn fucking idiot, did you think spacing titty drawings out across several steps was an invention!? A beautiful dream to be pursued by an idle millionaire!?
Here’s my feedback: your book is fucking insane and terrible, you maniac pervert! Plus, your name is fake and you forgot to include an email, address, or website! It’s a true achievement in failure that you’re a hopeful child predator and yet most people will remember you for your stupidity. In the make-believe autobiography you wrote where you could be and do anything, you spent an entire paragraph begging to hear from parents who draw naked women with their kids. And thanks to your spectacular idiocy, you won’t.
I guess that’s it for this book? Is there something on the back cover that can help make sense of it?
No, just more stuff about drawing nude ladies with kids. Jesus Christ, do they ever shut up about this?
No! In fact, this person is so obsessed with children learning how to draw naked women they add “actually adults love them too” as a last minute sales pitch. Yes, Melody! We know! Normal people consider adults the default audience for “adult material.” This is nuts. It’s like if a Pampers commercial said, “Eating cat food out of a wet diaper isn’t just for Naughty Andy anymore. Pampers are now available for… babies?”
I feel like this book was too troubling to be fun. Luckily, I predicted an anime drawing manual would be exactly that so I bought a backup. Let’s read THE BEST GUIDE BOOK TO DRAWING Sexy Anime: The How to Draw Book You’ll Ever Need to Learn Drawing Sexy Anime by Vivian Ice.
This seems more like it. It’s got the broken English I want in my manga lesson, and a bunch of fleshy shapes my brain recognizes as anime and thus ignores. The author’s name, Vivian Ice, is a little suspicious. She sounds like she should be catching Melody Love with her stepson in a movie called What Her Name FFM Boy Long Penis Feet, but let’s give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she’s a real person giving real perversion instructions. Let’s skip the Googling and Introduction and get straight to the art:
Vivian takes a much different approach to her art lessons. She wants you to construct your porn girl out of crop circles for the first several steps. It helps to think of the female form as a very fussy BattleTech encounter. Vivian suggests drawing your lady’s bikini at this point, somewhere near the center of one of the larger circles. In both anime illustration and interplanetary travel, this moist gap is called the mons pubis sector.
After five more steps, you’ll see how your circles have turned into a cartoon girl, with more circles used to add terror to her eyes. Wait a second. This is going to sound crazy, but I feel like I know this girl.
Oh, that’s how I know her! This is the terrified American flag bikini girl from The Sexy Anime Drawing Book by Melody Love! Both books were published in 2020, so I’m not sure which anime author with a fake pornstar name stole this drawing from the other. Unless… no. No. I need to check this book’s introduction.
Oh my god, this guy made up a second fake name to write a second book for children about drawing naked women!? Wait, okay, let’s not jump to any conclusions. Maybe Vivian Ice is just a lady who loved drawing this porn book but wouldn’t want you to, like, use it with your son.
Okay, she does. Vivian Ice wants you to draw topless girls with your son, and she carefully mentions it several times during the intro and on the back cover.
Vivian/Melody even gives the same tip to let your son feel better about his pornographic illustrations by making sure yours are a little bit worse. I have literally never seen anyone lay out their criminal perversion like this. Vivian Ice is the kind of person who would get caught stealing your clothes at the laundromat and say, “It’s not what it looks like! Eating toddler underpants is the only thing that excites me!”
I’m bailing on this book too. Let’s never think about Melody Love and/or Vivian Ice again. Luckily, I have many more books in my How to Draw Only Fucked Up section of my library, so I’m going to pick one and do a whole new article starting now. It’s not a great time for this, but I want to thank beloved Internet artist Rusty Shackles for his amazing Anime Week art.
Welcome to Anime Week! Thank you, Rusty Shackles, for the custom header art! This book seems close enough to anime: How to Draw Sexy Women: Step-by-Step Guide (2019) by Andy Hopper.
Wait, what’s the fucking rest of that fucking title, Andy?
Best Sexy Women Drawing Book for You and Your Kids!? What the fucking fuck!? If this is Melody and Vivian again I’m going to fucking scream. Sigh, let’s look at the back cover. Of this titty drawing book:
Aiiieeeeee!!!! This is the exact same copy from Melody and Vivian’s books! Only sort of re-written to babble in different directions about how important drawing pornography is to kids!? If this wasn’t written from prison, why do we even have laws?
As if you didn’t know, the introduction is the same too, but also not quite. And sure enough, this is exactly what it looks like. “Andy Hopper,” sometimes known as “Vivian Ice,” once known as “Melody Love,” self-publishes hundreds of kids books on everything from Star Wars knockoffs to Disney knockoffs to porn illustrating. Andy, or a team of “Andys” blast online bookstores with painstakingly illustrated word diarrhea on the thinnest of profit margins. Ethically and financially, it’s the same business model as going door-to-door and offering to eat the tiniest underwear in the house for $11.74.
So it’s possible Andy is only a forgetful pervert, not a child predator. These strange intros about nude women being fun for kids might just be the generic boilerplate he puts in the front of all his books, right? No! NO! If that was the case, why would Andy rewrite it every time!? He has made at least three books about erotic art and written original copy explicitly stating they were for children at every conceivable opportunity. He did it on the front cover of this one!
Another funny thing Andy rewrites in every book (many of which are filled with stolen intellectual property) is his “Copyright Notes.” This one “hereto refers” to itself as The Book, a good idea when The Book’s full title is How to Draw Sexy Women Step-by-Step Guide Best Sexy Women Drawing Book for You and Your Kids. Andy makes it extremely clear that while he is trying to sell pornography to children, you assume all the risk and responsibility found or contained therein, penis feet thusly. Best of luck, Andy!
What the hell, let’s look inside:
In Chapter 2, “How to Draw Sexy Woman 2,” Andy shows us the proper way to build a dayshift stripper three weeks from retirement using mostly tubes.
She’s looking a little rough there, but wait until you see the colored version! And by “colored version,” Andy means the same black and white drawing from 16 pages earlier.
“She looks sad, daddy.”
“She is sad, sweetheart.”
“I want to stop drawing her now, dad.”
“I know, son, but look how ugly my naughty nurse is. You’re winning the naughty nurse drawing competition! You’re the best pornographer in the family!”
This Fucking Day we’re reading a book called Sex Spells, and right away I’ve proven magic doesn’t exist, because if it did, that would be the name of every book.
Stella Damiana published Sex Spells: The Magical Path to Erotic Bliss in 2006, five years after 60 Sexy Spells of Seduction by Gilly Sergiev, a nearly identical book about transmogrifying horniness into a scented candle hobby. I say “nearly identical,” but despite having the exact same goals (fucking), the spells are very different (nonsense). I don’t know if it’s because one of them is an artificer and the other is a druid or if it’s because all of this is stupid, but let’s go through Stella’s book and learn how to crush ass like a wizard.
Going in, Stella knows you have some questions. Questions like, “Wait, this isn’t a joke?” and “Do you think this is real?” or “Do you think I do?” and “Are there mage cops who will investigate what I’ve done?” But she only answers one: “How come?” And her only answer is: “I don’t know, man, magic is cheaper than dildos?” This is actually the tone of most of the book– a nerd who hasn’t really thought any of this through but figures if you’re already fucking, you might as well play D&D at the same time?
Oh, and when I call Stella a “nerd,” I don’t mean that in a cute way. I mean this woman definitely wrote the newsletter for her Asheron’s Call guild which she named “Keeping it Pyreal” after her 11th cat. I don’t expect you to read this next page I clipped; I just want you to know there are dozens and dozens exactly like it. Stella spends at least 20,000 unsexy words fussing over magic user insider terms like “Witch” as if her readers bought a fuck ritual book to finally put to rest the great “magic vs. magick” spelling debate.
Like you, I wanted to get straight to the sex spells, but I did find a couple gems in Stella’s pedantic rambling. She wants to let the reader know that while magic is very real, it also doesn’t do anything and you shouldn’t expect it to fix your life. She gives two great examples of when magic isn’t enough– when someone is threatening you, and when you’re horny and someone doesn’t want to fuck you.
According to Stella, if you’re being attacked, “it would be sensible to learn a martial art.” In other words, you will raise your M Defense over the course of this sex magic book, but you’re going to want to put some skill points into Karate. It’s worth reminding everyone this is not only a real human woman being serious, but one who thinks she can teach you how to fuck.
This nerd also reminds sex pests to, you know, “do everything you can” before you resort to supernatural coercion. I’m not a mage cop, but I think the words “compel that person to your side by means of supernatural forces” is a pretty clear confession of a 42-⛧C, the mage police code for “witch groping.”
Let’s skip ahead to the spells.
Not all of the spells are human rights violations. For instance, A SPELL TO SUMMON MORE STAMINA, great name, is a cardio and boner ritual. All you need is 1 red candle, something awesomely called “High John the Conqueror oil,” and “Sharp knife.” The spell itself isn’t very complicated– you rub some of the High John the Conqueror oil on the candle and you’re officially a witch because that’s the whole thing. The third ingredient is only there so your partner remembers you’re a literal wizard holding a knife and maybe this lovemaking deserves their best effort.
The DRAW TOGETHER SPELL is a little less complicated. All you need is a rope, a little caution, and yes, I know what you’re thinking. Does it legally count as “consent” if you’re tying them up and magically forcing them to love you? Look, Stella doesn’t have all the answers, but if she’s approaching you with a bag of reagents it would be, in her words, sensible to learn a martial art.
For the PULL-YOU-TO-ME SPELL, Stella teaches you how to stroke a candle with oil to seduce an unwilling lover. It sounds easy, but if you fuck it up, the invocation polarity gets reversed and you cast the PUSH-YOU-AWAY-FROM-ME SPELL. Weirdly, this is the only spell in the book Stella warns you may cast by accident. Every other ritual is caveated with language like, “it may not work at first” or “you should also maybe learn karate,” but Stella is fully confident the PUSH-YOU-AWAY-FROM-ME SPELL is going to work for her readers. Again, weirdly.
If you have a pen and paper and your sex partner is also a magic user, you can try the SEXY SIGIL SPELL. This is really how you do it: you each write down what you want, cross out any duplicate words, and make an anagram from the remaining letters. Then you each memorize it, keeping it in mind while you make love. If you’ve ever fucked after a night of board games, you’ve cast this spell, which oh my god, explains why I found that Gloomhaven minotaur in my wife.
After telling us about 25 instant recipes to bone anyone we want with only a knife and rope, Stella says “there are no instant recipes for success with sex.” Then she starts in on a chapter about “the senses.” I’ve seen a lot of sex authors hit a wall before they’ve finished their book, but we are only halfway through and this magic nerd has smashed into that wall unused genitals-first. Maybe she thought the ideas would come to her, but after “porking anyone” and “porking longer,” her spellbook was empty. So here we are getting her thoughts on how to use sex magic to enhance the sense of sight:
Stella has five visual sex magic ideas which are, in chronological order: watch porn together, cast spells, cosplay as the porn people, cast spells, and have fun. Maybe she thought her readers would go straight to the HYPNOTIZE THE BALDING CLERK AT PETSMART SPELL and skip over these raw notes from the world’s saddest brainstorming session.
I’m not sure how to even follow this advice. She wants me to watch porn and dress like the characters? Maybe in 2006 you could do that when erotic films were about cheerleaders and delivery men. I don’t think it works today. I’m not going to put on the chain belt from Milfs Look Right Into the Camera and Make it Clear the Viewer is Meant to Be Their Biological Son 7. Maybe Stella is picturing a zany XXX movie parody? If so, should amateur wizards really be making porn parodies of porn parodies? I know enough about magic to know that sounds like a TURN YOUR DICKHOLE INSIDE OUT RITUAL. Sorry for the rough language. I’m a little cranky because I got tricked into this Spider-Woman costume and prolapsed dickhole.
The great thing about Taste magic, or “kitchen witchery,” is that you are already doing it if you season your food. If you haven’t noticed, the expectations in this book are pretty low. By Stella’s standards, an unburnt egg sandwich is a level 9 conjuration. And it will taste fine if you’re a non-magical piece of shit. Ah, but if you’re “attuned to a magical life?” Then, only then, will you appreciate the complexities of food spices and use them to enhance your lovemaking. I think I can translate this for you: Stella once fucked in some soup and decided it made her Fairy Queen of Progresso.
This entire section seems very forced, and Stella comes across smug and condescending. I don’t think it represents her true personality of horny dingbat, so let’s skip ahead to a fun one:
The MOULIN ROUGE SPELL is my favorite spell in all the book. It takes four times the materials and preparation of the most powerful FUCK YOUR WAY TO ANYTHING spell, plus you have to bind the night goddess Hecate to your will. You call upon her cosmos-burning powers! Center the flames on you, and only you! Now! Unleash them! Unleash them to sort of make a big splash when you show up at an event! “By the radiance of the night, I HAVE ARRIVED!” you shall scream into the intercom outside your friend’s building. All eyes will be upon you when you tell the hostess, “CAN YOU NOT HEAR THE SCREAMS OF THE STARS!? HECATE AND I WILL TAKE A TABLE FOR TWO, AND BY THAT, YES, I MEAN A TABLE FOR ONE!!”
And again, I don’t want to sound like a dick, but if your magical spell for making a big entrance requires you to put on your most flamboyant and luscious clothes, can you really call that a magical spell? This is sort of like tying someone up with a rope and thanking the rope god for bringing you a lover. Speaking of testable science, here’s the potion recipe for calling God:
I’m starting to worry Stella is making all this up. Only because these are the two oils Jesus got on his birthday and salad dressing, which is exactly what I think the dumbest idiot would come up with if you asked them how to call God with a potion.
I mentioned this earlier, but this is not my first sex spell book. So I knew we would eventually get to a ritual where we read love poems to a doll made out of our victim’s hair. These are called “poppets” and as long as they have two ears and kind of look human, you can die alone, but with the knowledge that if you could force a person to fuck you, you would.
Magic is easy and foolproof, but not very fast and Stella needs it now. So pick up your phone and call your lov– you know what? We don’t have time for a call. Or some long text conversation where one of you is all, “I told you not to contact me after I found your doll made out of me hair.” Instead, just text your message of desire directly to Ganesha. What happens next is up to you!
A. “yeah, i’m up. you gonna get this elephant trunk wet, girl?”
B. “witch, my girl knows my passcode and she’s the no bullshit goddess of death”
C. Roaming rates may apply to users outside the Infinite Celestial Realm lmao!
D. “I told you not to contact me after you asked me to help kidnap that hair doll guy.”
Let’s do some more quick sex spell tips:
This is an idea only wizards know– make a CD of your favorite music and bone to it!
Have you non-mages heard of “erotic dancing?” This erotic dancing thing going around? It’s like moving around, but oh boy, not like any moving around you’ve ever seen!
Okay, all jokes aside, this is good advice for people who need to charge an amulet and it never occurred to them to smear their wet dick on it.
When you’ve made it your job to give financial sex ritual advice and you say “try squirting on your loose change,” you’ve done it. You’re the best there will ever be and they should retire your jersey. And yet Stella isn’t done. She tells us another thing only witches know about sex– sometimes you need it, and you need it now.
Texting Ganesha is fine when your holes can wait two or three seconds. SPONTANEOUS RITUALS are for when things are urgent. These can be done instantly and with no preparation. What you want to do is call a deity, any deity, and shout into the night how open you are. This is a woman who thinks magic is real and she’s pleading to unnamed primal gods for dick. It’s a loneliness too glorious for human eyes to look upon, but before we get too sad, let’s remember the time she taught us how to get rich quick by cumming on cash.
Stella decided, after 80 pages of sex crimes and summoning prehistoric dark forces to penetrate her every orifice, it might be time to go over some safety tips.
This is all pretty standard stuff. Respect your partner, be prepared to modify your spell if a weird monster shows u– wait, holy shit, safe words don’t work with sex magic and it’s not safe to stop!? What have you gotten us into, Stella? Are you telling me I have to smear this stuff on my cash for the rest of my life? I buy my kid toys with this fucking cash, Stella!
Before she closes with fifty pages of herb spreadsheets, Stella includes a small section for single witches who jerk off with magic, as if the rest of this book was for someone else. And while she never convinced me spells were real, or that she has had sex, I do think she commands unknowable powers. To be clear, she thinks second base is pulling her butt apart and standing in front of an Addams Family Values poster, but she told her potential reader, a forsaken witch about to magically masturbate, they’re “not necessarily beautiful in any obvious way.” And there’s no way you put together an insult that destructive without the help of dark forces.
Now that we here at 1900🌠have perfected the podcasting format and risen to the top of the talking industry, we’ve invited our old boss Jack O’Brien, creator and host of The Daily Zeitgeist onto the Dogg Zzone 9000 to show him what we can do. And we blow his entire fucking mind. “You guys are the absolute best,” he probably thought.
Join Jack and Brockway on their Seanbaby-led journey from the very first issue of MAD Magazine in 1952 through every imitator leading up to 1958’s Cracked, the knockoff Jack would help adapt into one of the largest and most influential comedy websites where nothing bad ever happened and our legacies will live on forever as hilarity legends. Listen here! Or wherever you get podcasts!
And now for some foot-nooooooootes:
Below are all the clippings pulled for the show. Hate-read them all now, or scroll slowly along with us as you listen! We don’t care! Aside from buying five pieces of merchandise from our store, there are no rules in the Dogg Zzone 9000!
First, here is the two page pro-Apartheid Lionel Richie parody “All-White Song” from Mad Magazine #263 (1986), and yes, you read that correctly:
And here is the haunting final page of the story “Blobs!” from the very first MAD Magazine.
Moving on to 1954’s Panic, here is the baffling letters section of their first issue:
From that same issue of Panic comes these hilarious moments from the story “MY GUN IS THE JURY!“
And still from Panic, here is a zany panel from “THIS IS YOUR STRIFE!” and four wacky ones from “THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS” featuring fan-favorites Butchered Elephant and Actual Blackface Santa.
This is how Panic advertised itself:
Next up is Stan Lee’s take on MAD, 1955’s Snafu featuring Irving Forbush. Here is the three page gag we discuss where Stan Lee asks, “What’s HAPPENED to our Male Singers?“
Moving on to 1956 and Lunatickle, here is the ad for the Fatsex tube designed for watching men change out of their pantyhose!
And here is 1957’s From Here to INSANITY and “The Misfit,” with their take on what Archie would be like if he was a murderer! Also included from this issue is their outrageous ad for Smellzo, which is a pack of wild boars or maybe a can of bad smell? It’s hard to know!
Also from 1957, here is This Magazine is CRAZY‘s knee-slapping take on toothpaste, GLUM! They also did a shocking EXPOSE’ on what four Hollywood starlets would look like if they were secretly men? Wait, no, not how you’re picturing it. They look exactly the same. We don’t get it either!
Now for the 1958 funnybook Zany! You won’t believe how badly their premise of “cows getting drunk on milk” falls apart!
And our last historical document is John Severin’s 789th version of the 1950s’ favorite joke, Loco Magazine’s “SWITCHEROONEY.” In its entirety!
And now you know the dark history of MAD Magazine knockoffery which led us to where we all are today. You’re welcome. Review and subscribe.
It’s Fucking Day, fuck fans, but that’s not what we’re doing today. We’re doing whatever the Japanese word is for the opposite of that. We’re reading the language study guide and hate crime, HOW TO PICKUP JAPANESE GIRLS PHRASEBOOK by 2 Faced Publishing.
This is “BOOK 3 OF 3” in the “CRAZIEST & MOST CONTROVERSIAL SERIES EVER WRITTEN.” A unimind of undiagnosed personality disorders named Giacomo d’Byron wrote it in 2019 as a companion to HOW TO ATTRACT & MEET JAPANESE GIRLS and HOW TO ATTRACT & MEET MORE JAPANESE GIRLS, which completed a slightly hornier version of a book trilogy he already wrote about how to say naughty things in Japan. Basically, a lonely fart fan taught himself how to speak Japanese and hate women and then wrote six books about both things he knew.
I’d be surprised if you saw the title HOW TO PICKUP JAPANESE GIRLS PHRASEBOOK, and didn’t know this, but it’s a sex predator instruction manual for idiot virgins who prefer their bitter loneliness with a touch of racism. There’s no way it would be anything else. So there was no need to open the book with this warning:
In the current era of human history, it’s rare to see this kind of edginess in the wild. This is the bio of an undercover reporter exposing the dark underbelly of what your kids are calling “The Four Chan.” Giacomo is taunting the reader of an Asian girl hunting manual with, “Oh, does the word FUCK offend you, gay dummy grandma!?” You might be barking up the wrong tree, Giacomo. I feel like your readers* passed the psychopath test the moment they opened your book, buddy.
* According to sales statistics, I’m personally about 17% of his “readers.”
The author has a bit more to say before we get started, mainly about how great he is and the hugeness of his massive dong. He’s terrific, and you’re lucky to be here. This kind of desperate insecurity obviously betrays a couple things about Giacomo d’Byron: he doesn’t know he’s dumber than everyone and his dick sucks. He is self-publishing made-on-demand grifter books about how to say titties in Japanese and he thinks you’ll believe him when he adds, “… but I’m actually very wealthy and cool? The best at sexing, and g-giant penis as well?” He was going for cool and confident and missed so badly he skipped right over unlikably cocky and landed at “childlike psychopath.” I’m not saying he can’t fuck. I’m saying if you’re an eighth grader who once got to second base during a game of truth or dare, Giacomo would have so many questions for you.
Like all great thought leaders, during his meandering intro, Giacomo d’Byron stops to quote himself. It’s a quote about how every Japanese woman wants your cock if you smell good, but despite spelling almost all the words right, this feels more like a magical wish than a racial stereotype. But, and this is real, when he calls them “snow white cum dumpsters” two pages later, that feels more racially charged. In fact, maybe we should speed through this intro. Let’s see… hairy assholes… bust their nectar juices… no, let’s skip this page:
Giacomo seems to think Japanese women are balloons of sex fluids waiting for some, please any, Western-cocked man to come burst them. This isn’t a guide for casual hookups– this is a fan fiction of human relationships written from a Japanese prison. It is unspeakable. If a woman beat a man to death with her shoe and then planted this book in his home, no district attorney would prosecute.
The introduction loops around like this for 16 full pages. We learn that Japanese women are too shy to function, too horny to believe, and will stop the sex entirely if your Japanese accent is inauthentic. Giacomo also reminds the reader they’re very lucky to have his book because these demure sex machines “wouldn’t in their life help you practice these phrases, so don’t even think of asking them.” He repeats this several times, so he seems to think it’s important, but I only mention it because he forgets about it instantly.
The very first expressions Giacomo teaches us are “IMPORTANT PHRASES FOR CONSENSUAL AND SAFE SEX,” which, given his tone, heavily implies there are other types.
I knew -we all knew- going in, this was going to be a dark and stupid book. But maybe not this dark and stupid. This maniac sat down to think about which romantic phrases he’d heard the most and he came up with “STOP IT!” and “NO YOU CAN’T!”
And the first, the very first, supplementary advice he offers is, “if you’re clueless, just ask the bitch,” the thing he explicitly told you was never an option. And his second dating tip is to role play sex crimes with a stranger– no wait, that was his third tip. His second tip was “Japanese pornography is dull.” Which means his opening dating advice is create a sexual assault vibe until you recognize the words STOP IT, and then watch so much pornography you get bored. It’s everything you could want in a sex coach, and holy shit, I guess I should have mentioned by now, Giacomo uses the word “bitch” like it’s a casual, medical term. It’s very, very rare he calls women something else in any context.
This sociopath filled his book with accidental confessions like this. Even his pronunciation guide is psychologically revealing:
He could have chosen any words or phrases to demonstrate those vowel sounds, and he chose the thing he covets most, the thing he hates the most, the only thing he thinks about, the thing he says when he thinks about himself, and fuck you. If you showed this to a chimpanzee, it would sign, “Narcissist. Borderline personality disorder. Incel. Too easy for Dr. Bananas, too much easy.”
Giacomo immediately forgets the premise of his book, and instead of writing a collection of seductive phrases, he just writes whatever with no real structure or reason. A section translating days of the week might be next to a section about butt stuff followed by a second section translating days of the week. There’s also no appendix, so if you forget a butt stuff line you’ll have to thumb through the book randomly while your lover holds her asshole open, waiting for precise commands. Here, let’s go through them in the order they appear!
So in this section on THANKS, he writes ordinary variations of thank you like “thanks” or the classic “thank you more than anything.” Sometimes he’ll remember this is supposed to be a book for tricking horny and confused imbeciles into sex, so he’ll add one about dicks. In this case, he suggests “don’t thank me, thank my cock!” which works with any waitress or hair dresser. No, but let’s be real. This boy has been spending his whole life working on the perfect thing to say after he finally has sex and the best he came up with was “don’t thank me, thank my cock!” It’s like typing, “Guys, if the Rock comes to my 35th birthday party, I’m going to tell him, ‘The Rock… you ROCK!’ he ha! But seriously, Dwayne, thank you more than anything.”
I was promised phrases that would have dripping girls begging for it, but with the line “I love fat girls,” I feel like I either insulted someone or told her she’s not my type. It’s hard to imagine a clumsier pickup line. Maybe “Ass juice?” Just the phrase “Ass juice” and nothing else?
Oh, I was kidding, but there it is right between “Pussy juice” and “Orange Juice.” I always have been a natural lover. Ass juice, ladies.
Here’s what’s stupid about me. I knew almost immediately Giacomo d’Bryon didn’t know anything about women, but I took it for granted he knew something about Japan. And yet look here at the HOBBIES section. He wants me to ask babes in the club if they can teach me to be a ninja? If they can fucking teach me Karate like Miyagi-san? These are things the dumbest fourth grader would ask a Japanese exchange student in 1990. There’s a near 100% chance this goddamn idiot has never been to Japan and he’s running his imaginary conversations with sex-starved Japanese girls through Google translate. Let me check something…
Hmmm… looks like “oshiri no shiru” translates to “Know your butt,” not “Ass juice.” But there are hundreds of typos in his English. Maybe he fucked up his Japanese too? Let me check something else…
Okay, there we go. If we assume he mixed up the vowels in both words we get “Soup butt” which is as close to “Ass juice” as any phrase could possibly be. So now we can be pretty certain he’s a dumbshit in both languages, can only get laid in a make-believe universe where Japanese girls jump on any cock they smell, and most of what he knows about their culture comes from American ’80s movies. He knows nothing about nothing, and if he wasn’t an aspiring subway groper, you might consider his writing of this book to be an act of bravery. Let’s learn some more of his seductive HOBBIES phrases.
Wait, he wants me to ask if she can “teach me Kimono?” What the fuck does that mean? It seems like this phrase would translate to, “I am confused: bathrobe?” We are watching a slow American brain scrape every last Japanese thought from its long term memory. “Hey, girl, can you that one wave painting? Where is fried octopus ball, Subaru?”
I can’t lie, “My favorite hobby is fucking” is a good line, and it’s what all ladies want to hear. If she still has her panties on after you tell her this, you must have accidentally said “Soup butt,” which is possible since Giacomo doesn’t speak very good Japanese and nobody proofread this.
Their eyes meet across the bar. She is dressed in a Sailor Moon skirt and drinking ceremonial tea through a straw in her Godzilla head, the traditional garb of her people or “hito.” He is in a Dragon Ball Z full print silk shirt with special large bulge pants for boys. Her keen nose picks up on the scent of penis in them and the moist membrane restraining her girl juices bursts. She readies her ancient “katana” or ninja sword in case it is a ronin trap. The best stranger opens his mouth. “MY FAVORITE HOBBY IS SUCKING,” he blurts. A gallon of her vaginal gelatin splats against the floor or “look up Japanese word for floor later” and she thanks her ancestors it is not a trap, but the super cool American cock.
After teaching us the seductive names of the months of the year, Giacomo gives us some handy HER TASTE IS GOOD OR BAD phrases. And maybe I’m being too critical, but does a pickup line book really need the phrase “Your pussy tastes bad?” It seems like it actually undoes a lot of the seduction if you stop the lovemaking to tell her she’s disgusting. Plus, couldn’t I communicate this with an unpleasant face? I feel like holding my nose and pretending to puke has the same delicacy and works in any language. But as for all the other lines here, great work, Giacomo. I’ve always seduced mainly in English, but I’m sure the phrase, “RAAHR, LET ME PUT YOUR CROTCH IN MY MOUTH” travels well across cultural divides. You fucking impotent clown. You might as well run into the room screaming, “Pee on me!”
Ha ha ha ha… amazing. No, but seriously, I want to make sure I get this one exactly right. Boku ni oshi…
Okay, he didn’t seem to make any mistakes when he translated “Pee on me!” So feel free to try it out during your erotic travels!
It’s impossible to overstate how awful Giacomo is in every way. Even in his wildest fantasies, he’s a stupid dick. He advises you to brag about your money by telling single women, “Um, maybe it’s YOU who doesn’t have any money?” And I know there aren’t any stakes in writing books like this, but why did we even invent chemical castration if not for this exact occasion? He is selling a book suggesting you fly to Japan, walk up to innocent Japanese women, and tell them, “Your mouth smells like sushi, you poor bitch. Ass juice.”
Giacomo surprised me with a section on NEGATIVITY/RACISM, mostly because it wasn’t hilarious names for other races. Instead, it was mostly unpleasant ways to call other people racists followed by “I’m so glad I love all people on earth.” It’s a strange line for a book about penetrating foolish strangers by any means.
You may have noticed this in that clipping, but the line about loving others was so disruptive to Giacomo’s writing process he forgot where the fuck he was and his next line was “I’m so happy I have a massive cock.” And then, seemingly to himself, he writes “You should try having more pussy, then maybe you wouldn’t be so fucking bitter.” I can’t tell if he’s having an emotional breakdown or if he’s trying to process a trauma by translating his most embarrassing conversation into Japanese. Either way, I find it hard to believe these phrases will help crush all that ass he promised. This little dipshit is bringing Sonic subreddit argument energy to sport fucking.
In his section on SIZE, Giacomo gives some phrases you can use for both shopping and seduction. For instance, using these figures, if you’re buying sneakers you can tell the clerk you need a shoe exactly 50% longer than this, and pull your dick out. Or if you’re me, fold it in half six times and say, “I’ll take the widest canoe that will fit in a truck this big.
These are interesting moments to prepare for in a Japanese conversation. Giacomo has never had a relationship, but when he does, he wants it to be toxic and built around guilt. I am certain you will have better luck with women by never, ever learning how to say these phrases, but this type of bitterness is central to the Giacomo d’Byron seduction method. He hopes someday he will go to Japan, find a lucky, ungrateful woman who hopefully doesn’t have a tape measure, and tell her which parts of her smell like fish. You know, it just occurred to me you might think I’m making this book up. I’m not. I swear by all the soup in your butt I am not. This is real. Before he had his first kiss, this future murderer looked his pirated copy of Microsoft Word right in the face and typed all this. Okay, let’s learn how to trim our dick hair abroad:
I’m worried even if I say these phrases precisely right, my seduction target will be sure she’s misunderstood. How do I say, “Open your fucking ears, sushi mouth. I NEED. TO WAX. MY ASS AND BALLS AND BACK.” Sorry for the rough language, everyone, but we’re trying to get our dick wet here, not buy a pen.
“How much is this pen!?” How is this a pic– what? What’s the followup to this line? The phrase “Pen!?” Which is the Japanese word for Pen!?!? Look, I’ll come right out and say something controversial: it might be unrealistically optimistic to think the word “pen” alone will lead to sex with pen salespeople.
You know when you’re writing a seduction book and you don’t include a section on selling your semen door-to-door? Giacomo didn’t make that mistake. I guess when you don’t fuck, you figure people who do offer it as an insemination service to single women? This one sort of feels like a first aid instructor making sure everyone knows what to do if a drowning woman is trying to buy your sperm.
There’s an infamous pickup artist technique known as “negging” where you give backhanded compliments to a girl to damage her social status and confidence. The key is hiding the insult so it’s imperceptible, and when done right it can trick a girl into subconsciously seeking your approval. It’s insidious, but effective, and I’ve never seen it done as masterfully as “Your ugly.” Giacomo is the best at UGLY I’ve ever seen.
I sort of ran out of ways to make sense of this book. I thought it was a nerd playing make-believe, but this section is about how much he jerks off. Could we be dealing with some kind of Liar Liar curse? I don’t care how lonely you are, no one thinks “I masturbate my cock everyday” is a good conversation starter, much less a pickup line. Is he bragging? Does he think she’ll be impressed by his training discipline? “I masturbate my cock everyday” is something an unprepared person says during a job interview when a dairy farmer asks about their qualifications. It’s something you add after announcing, “I’m Giacomo d’Byron and I’m here to say.”
As a responsible real sex-haver, Giacomo includes a section on PROTECTION. It includes how to say “condom,” how to ask the girl if she has a condom, and then a series of increasingly stupid excuses for not wanting to wear a condom. Again, this is a person who has never had sex of any type, but he knows enough about himself to know if he ever does, he wants it to be as unsafe and dishonest as possible for everyone.
I was starting to pick up on that, yes, Giacomo.
Hold on. Is this book a prank? When you’re clearly a psychopath, using The Talented Mr. Ripley as your placeholder for a hypothetical favorite movie is a little too perfect. I bought it when his section on racism was mostly about his giant cock, and it seemed organic when he listed 25 toxic ways to call a girl ungrateful, but I see right through this. This is parody. What’s next, a section called THE JOKER showing you how to complain about cancel culture in Japanese?
Whoa, I was really close.
Wait, I take it back. This is real. Only an actual sociopath would think to list generic racial terms under FUNNY NAMES FOR PEEPS right after asking both possible menstruation questions. I love how after 166 pages of increasingly predictable bitterness, this book can still surprise me.
Giacomo really gives you a look inside his head during the MISCELLANEOUS SHIT sections. In an absence of context, his mind starts with “I want to fuck” and in only eight sentences he has flubbed a line about his masturbation habits, had a fight with at least three people, and clumsily begged for sex from four others, one of them filled with actual spiders. It’s incredible. You can’t be worse at anything. This was meant to seduce girls in Japan, and all it did was humiliate Delaware’s crankiest weeb. Speaking of cranky, I think Giacomo’s last good idea for a pickup line was “My only lover now is his right hand. Can you help me?” So the rest of the book is mostly a temper tantrum.
The nuances of language are so interesting to me. For instance, with only the addition or removal of an exclamation point, the Japanese pickup line “baka onna” can mean both “Dumb bitch” and “You are a stupid bitch!” And I speak a little Japanese, so I know the “yo” in “Shabure yo!” asserts direct meaning, but somehow it translates to the very mysterious “Go suck my cock!” Why isn’t your cock here? Is that why you’re angry? How far do I need to go to get to it? Are you sure no one is sucking it already?
On page 194, Giacomo includes a list of EGO TRIP phrases for the confident gaijin about Japan. He shows you how to say you’re the best man, the sexiest fuck machine, the most understanding lover, she’s a bitch, you’re a loser. Hold on, what? No. No, I’m right, that’s what he did. Let’s see if he calms down in the next section called, oh no, TACTICAL LINGO FOR USE AGAINST THE STALKER BITCH.
I’m troubled by this entire section, but unrelated to Giacomo, I don’t like how the English phrase “You should just go off yourself” is only one word long in Japanese. Still, as an experienced non-virgin haunted by many unwanted lovers, Giacomo knows it doesn’t always work to tell women to kill themselves. Luckily, he has come up with four other schemes to get rid of the extra ladies. Well, almost four schemes. Closer to one. And maybe “scheme” is a strong word. He suggests having a friend call her and tell her you’re dead:
None of this will be funny when Giacomo is arrested trying to break into a Wilmington Curves with a hunting rifle, but at this moment in time it’s almost cute how dumb this is. His only idea to escape a situation he’s never been in is to fake his own death, and he plans it out the same way four different times changing no relevant details. He’s obviously a real danger to others, but in many ways Giacomo is a kitten getting its head stuck in a yogurt cup over and over.
We really need to wrap this up, but I have three more fun ones. Here’s COCK SIZE/BALLS:
Fantastic in every way, perfect, flawless.
I want you to picture the most loving, generous, and loyal Japanese woman. You ask her to borrow money and she, of course, says yes. “Your Japanese is so good,” she might add. Now picture her opening this book and finding your exact words in the section called ASKING YOUR BITCH FOR A LOAN. She brandishes her traditional nunchaku. “Oh, thank God,” you think as she gets distracted by the next section, FARTS/QUIEFS.
I’m not sure if it’s another typo or if Giacomo forgot the Japanese word for “Ho” in the middle of his list of farts and queefs, but it’s another perfect collection of pickup lines from “the world’s go to Player / Playboy / Gigolo gentleman” who “fucks loads of pussy every day.” We’ve already gone on a journey together on this Fucking Day, so I leave you with Giacomo’s author bio presented without comment:
Unlock with Patreon
