Author: Seanbaby

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PUNCHING DAY

Punching Day: Ninja Mind Control 🌭

Ashida Kim, ninja, wrote several books on how to become a silent agent of death, and at least one semi-autobiographical novel about his time as a top secret sex spy. He has a standing deathmatch combat challenge to anyone who can solve his deathmatch combat challenge payment and rule stipulations riddle, which no one has ever done. And in 1985, he published…

If you’re anything like I was in 1985, you’re about to have your heart broken by Ninja Mind Control. The first two thirds of the book confess, over and over, there’s no such thing as Ninja mind control. It’s mostly instructions on how to dress up like a Ninja and then hold very still while you think about different organs. Ashida, which isn’t his real first name, also describes a few common magic tricks. Ninja Master Kim, which isn’t his real last name, title, or job, seems to think that if you used a different book to become a magician, you’d sure look like a real Ninja.

Again, there is no such thing as real mental powers here. This is a poorly educated man with no encyclopedia or Internet trying to remember something he once heard about hypnosis. For a kid in the ’80s, it was like buying the book Santa Claus is Real and finding it only had one chapter called “Okay, He Isn’t, but People do Break Into Children’s Houses.”

Anyway, after 80 pages of costumed meditation tips, Ninja Mind Control finally gives up on its premise and shows you the death moves of the Ninja! I love them so much I’m not even going to do anything cute– this is just the Top 11 Ninja Mind Control Techniques.

It may sound strange for hidden assassins to begin a murder with a gentlemanly flourish, but the CEREMONIAL BOW is important to help us remember this is some hillbilly maniac making shit up.

A bow is nice, sure, but in true Ninja fashion, it’s also a trick. Ashida Kim uses them as a sneaky way to figure out his opponent’s fighting style. If they bow with their arms at their sides, prepare for Karate. If their hands retract and get replaced by scissors, you’ll know to adjust your blows for robot. Ashida does admit it’s hard to squeeze in a CEREMONIAL BOW during a different Ninja’s ambush, but in that case you can avoid combat by giving your attacker a password. Nowhere in his book does Ashida Kim offer this password to the reader because even the polite advice of a master Ninja will kill you.

Speaking of lethal, a bow isn’t only for honoring your opponent. If done correctly, it protects you from any state or county laws against murder. The CEREMONIAL BOW is how you tell witnesses, “Everything’s okay; it was his fault I killed him.” I’m not explaining it very well. I’ll let Ashida run you through the details:

You probably remember the court case Kim v. Moonwolf where the presiding judge famously said, “Am I reading this right? It says here on the police report that multiple witnesses saw the defendant bow at the victim’s body? If that’s true, why was this brought before my court? The victim was warned. Ninja warned. Mister Kim, on behalf of justice, I apologize for wasting your time and the court’s time with this. You’re free to go. Whisper poison 1073.”

Oh my god, do you guys think that bit at the end could have been the password?

Imagine holding a sheet in front of you with both hands, except don’t imagine it. Really hold a sheet in front of you with both hands, and to see if you’re holding it correctly, imagine this Ninja not holding a sheet was:

So the idea behind DRAGON-SPREAD WINGS is to take the psychologically devastating bluff of a kitty cat standing sideways, and apply it to human battles. A warrior will think twice before attacking someone the size of a sheet, which they very well could be behind that sheet they’re holding. At the very least it’s an “intimidating gesture” that will “remind observers about Ninjas using capes to appear larger.” And if holding up a sheet alone isn’t enough (it will be), you could throw it over their head so they can’t see. Ashida’s mind is like this– an endless waterfall of deadly ideas while he changes the sheets on his brother-in-law’s futon. Where you and I might see a bullfight and think “bullfight,” Ashida Kim thinks, “yes, but perhaps also manfight.” The point is, you should always be wearing a Ninja cape in case you need to double in size or blind up to six enemies.

Footwork is an underrated aspect of martial arts. A world class fighter can baffle opponents and prevent attacks before they’re thrown with angles and distance. Ashida Kim has taken that philosophy and added the theatrics of stage magic to create HALF STEP, the coolest, deadliest way to move a little bit forward. 

So to recap, during the fury of a raging death match, you raise both your hands as if holding a sheet or cape. This will distract the enemy from your sneaky back foot creeping ever closer. Close enough for groin. Close enough for death.

One of the problems with learning poison foot techniques from a book is that it’s hard to understand how to apply them from a single photo. Ashida Kim, wise Ninja, knows this, so he included a second photo demonstrating the practical application. Let’s take a look:

That clears up all my questions. Thanks, Ashida.

There is a Toddler philosophy where if someone can’t see you, that counts as invisible. So if you walk out of someone’s eyeline, you have vanished. But Toddler legs are wobbly and Toddler socks are slippery, so keep your arms raised for balance as you sneak behind people. Hold on, something’s wrong. Shit, somehow the word “Ninja” in this paragraph got replaced with “Toddler.” Wait, that’s weird– it works both ways?

The application of the MI LU STEP (PIVOT) is… well, here, I’ll just show you:

You can’t see him, but the Ninja is there, behind the confused Karate man who foolishly blinked near a Ninja. From here, the invisible, or behind him, Ninja can shadow the man indefinitely while he wonders why everyone keeps calling him “you two.” It reminds me of what they tell you on the first day of Ninja school: if you’re not already invisible and behind a man, the person with an invisible man behind them is you. Then half the class gets B’s and the other half gets headstones.

So, okay, Ashida Kim is obviously an idiot whose last thought will be, “this lawnmower blade is moving pretty fast; I’ll have to time this just right,” but let’s be clear: he sincerely thinks I can jump behind someone while they’re blinking, and not a single person has ever believed in me like that. This book rules.

Part of what makes Ashida Kim special is how he thinks any physical contact between two human bodies is a mangling train accident. Here, he breaks down the raw devastation of the SCRAPING SIDEKICK.

First, gently Ninja-shove your foot into your enemy’s shin. This shatters their leg, obviously, but you’re not done. Scrape your sock down the remains of their shin to step on their foot. You’ve already maimed, Ninja, but now you’ve annoyed. Let’s see it in action:

The impact has crippled him, the scrape has tortured him, and now the foot has trapped him. Like a fading culture reduced to several overused allegories, Ashida Kim wastes no part of the kick. And as long as that Ninja with all 140 pounds of his weight on his back leg rests his foot there, his enemy can only stand in place and scream. Plus, since his sister’s cat never poops in the litter box, I guess his toes count as fecal bacteria syringes? Basically, Karate Man is already dead fifteen different ways and as long as someone sees Ashida Kim bow, the law can’t do shit about it.

Here’s some Ninja Mind Control for you: FUCKING PUNCH TO THE FACE.

So let me try to explain. What you want to do here is take a fist, right, and if you’re with me so far, you swing it into your enemy’s head. Hey, Ashida. What are we doing here, man? Did you write the first ninja book for squids? How are you introducing the very concept of bashing someone with a human hand 67 moves into your deathmatch book? This was 1985. Did you think your readers were watching Knight Rider and saying, “He’s getting out of his talking car and, my god, what is he doing to that man with his haaaand!? Wait, I know! I’ll find a book on it at my local thrown stars shoppe!”

This punching section gets dumber, but dumb in a way we can use. Here’s his POWER PUNCH training advice:

So after introducing you to “punch,” Ashida tells you to “practice it a few times” with hate in your heart, but a careful kind of hate. It’s ridiculous and stupid, but it lets us establish how long Ashida Kim thinks it takes to prepare for battle. A typical boxing coach might have you train twice a week for six months before your first amateur bout. That’s roughly 75 hours of training and maybe 60,000 punches. Again, Ashida Kim is an idiot con-man who no one could possibly take seriously, but if you did, this proves he’s sending his readers into death matches with approximately .00005% the training of the least experienced boxer imaginable. That being said, boxers train far less in cape dancing, so in a straight style-versus-style matchup things might even out.

When I bought a guide to Ninja mind control and saw it was actually about how to tear a phone book in half I felt the same way you would: oh fucking hell yeah.

As Ashida Kim mentions, you might see this kind of DRAGON CLAW technique from a Black Dragon ryu Ninja, which translates to Black Dragon dragon Ninja because everything about this is awesome. To learn this move, what you want to do is grab a book with your hands and rip that shit in half. It’s useful for disposing of junk mail or rupturing the rectus abdominis, but you can also use it to squeeze the consciousness out of a man’s skull. I use this for everything now. Let the record show, if you ever find a dead body and it wasn’t ripped in half by a man’s hands, I didn’t do it.

A mind is easier to control if it has no eyes. Let’s learn the DOUBLE THUMB GOUGE.

The sequence of events is unclear, but I think you take off your Ninja mask and make a scary face before you remove their eyes. Otherwise this would be silly. And it’s not silly. It’s a deadly serious manual for invisible warriors written by an unconvicted mass murderer and sex spy.

One element of Ninja mind control known only to the Black Dragon ryu clan is called “SAND IN THE EYES.” Its only known defense is the blindfold, and before you get any ideas, Ashida Kim, I’m already wearomg ome.

Ninja Mind Control says SAND IN THE EYES is great for beginner Ninjas because it’s hard to fuck up, and if you do, you can just leave. Unless they have glasses or eyelids and run faster than you. I think we might need to have a backup plan in case our cape draping, fist-swinging, shin kicking, or sand throwing don’t work. Let’s learn COIN TOSS.

This one is pretty much what it sounds like, Ninjas– gently tossing your enemies whatever they ask for.

So if you are ever mugged, presumably in your Ninja costume, what you want to do, as a silent master of the impossible, is, in the great tradition of your Mighty Ancestors, pay them to not kick your ass. If you keep your cash in gold coins, great, that means you can also try throwing your treasure into the air and running away. Ha. Good luck beating you up while everyone is scrambling to get your coveted Ninja treasure. Sorry, I’m already gloating for you and I haven’t even shown you the full technique. Study Figures 57 and 58 until your surrender form is perfect. Then see below to learn how to be a total little baby coward, even in your wildest fantasies, with a partner:

For advanced COIN TOSS practitioners, try adding an asthmatic whine or urination. And you’re going to want to practice saying, “Hnngh! You can have anything, just let me live, you bandit!” until you’ve removed all sexual suggestion from it. Or vice versa, naughty Ninja.

If you knew anything about ninjas, you already knew MONKEY STEALS THE PEACH was going to be number one.

It’s the classical name for the upward groin slap. Here’s how you apply it to your training partner’s balls:

This move will tear a dick off, and it tells a real story about how often Ashida Kim uses his dick when he explains, “if you happen to have energy blast powers this could also be an effective way to hurt someone.” He probably has handfuls of genitals in his garage and tells his cats, “I don’t know what these things do, but they sure do come off easy!” Hey, why are you still reading this? I just taught you 11 ways to Ninja mind control. Go take the night, silent dick ripper.

…
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Rich Joslin, fingerblasting master of the Monkey Peach Ryu style.

Categories
NERDING DAY

Nerding Day: Batman/FaZe Clan 🌭

In the Bronze Age of comics, it wasn’t unusual for a superhero to suddenly change everything about themselves and their universe to sell you a pie or teach you about smoke inhalation. They were stupid, disappointing, and infantalizing, but it’s kind of fun to look back on them. Which is what we’re doing today! We’re revisiting the ridiculous crossover where Batman teamed up with a group of real life video game players all the way back in two thousand and twenty tw– **RECORD SCRATCH** wait, this happened last week!?

I don’t know if this was Batman’s attempt to cash in on the huge popularity of whatever FaZe Clan is, or if this was esports’ attempt to cash in on the huge popularity of whatever the 17th monthly Batman spinoff is, but it seems to take place in Batman’s world which also contains the actual professional esport athletes so famous you’ll obviously know which of these I’m making up: B00tJeff, jeffmilker_8, JeffsUX, Depression_Jeff2, and xxFuckYouJeffxx.

Anyway, the Riddler’s video game is controlling the minds of Gotham City’s gamers. Robin wants to call his favorite gaming clan to help, but as they’ve discussed many times, Batman thinks it’s a bad idea to deputize children for a murder investigation. Which is not the first time in this comic where you’ll see Batman not act like Batman.

Batman drops through the ceiling of the Hollywood FaZe Clan HQ to tell them about all the Gotham people trapped in a video game. “My guys, Batman is here!” one of them announces. Another idly asks what the shit they’re supposed to do about it while continuing to lift weights. Another walks right up to Batman and says, “This is a gamer issue. Batman’s a dinosaur.” The point is, these are all very strange reactions to the Dark Knight suddenly appearing in your game room.

Not a single line of dialog seems to have anything to do with any of the others. It’s like seven deaf people on a phone call and they’re all dicks. The writing process seems to have been asking these gamers to say one mysterious thing about Batman and then putting them together in a random order. In one chaotic page, they greet Batman, insult Batman, tell him they’ll help him, tell him they can’t help him, ask him for help, give a recap, and ask for a recap. “You can suck my dick,” said language itself after it heard the plot. “I was not invented so you could use me to describe Batman teaming up with some Counter-Strike guild.”

“Sheesh!” says one of the gamers after he hears the plot explained for the third time. It is genuinely weird. The writer, Josh Trujillo, is a competent professional, so I don’t know what happened. If I had to guess, he has no idea what’s going on and he asked each of these guys, “What would you say here?” and then pasted in their terrible fucking answers verbatim.

Anyway, in comes everyone’s favorite, Rug.

Rug is drawn like someone found his 7th grade yearbook and has been trying to hurt his feelings ever since. He arrives like a real cyber influencer of today– carrying a stack of pizzas and pitching a vlog prank. You know old Rug, always making that classic group living mistake of not checking the room for Batman before pitching a vlog prank. And in a zany turn of events, Rug realizes his vlog prank isn’t important and leaves. Sorry Rug fans, that’s all we see of Rug.

Batman brings four of the gamers to Oracle’s secret hideout to plug them into the evil mind control video game and hope for the best. Robin is a huge FaZe Clan fan who totally knows who these guys are, and you can tell because when he meets one of them he calls him “FAZE CLAN!” It’s not like it matters. By this point the plot is complete gibberish. Robin could have walked up and said, “Thank you for Congo Bongo, Rug Doctors,” and it would have been exactly as reasonable and authentic.

Oracle gives everyone Bat-VR headsets and plugs them into the Riddler’s domain. They have done nothing to prepare for this other than be good at different video games. Their plan is “fuck it,” and their training is hearing “BE READY FOR ANYTHING!” after they’ve already been sent to their certain cyber death.

FaZe Clan looks around Riddler’s ultimate genius cyber realm, a lazy recreation of the Blade Runner set. They don’t see anyone, which seems strange to them, since as gamers they know players are supposed to spawn at the final objective. “ANYTHING? MORE LIKE NOTHING!” says one of them two word bubbles too late to make any goddamn sense. Like vlog prankster Rug might say, get your turbo cringe on, Congo Bongo!

Not everyone reacts to the empty streets the same way. Batwoman sees the lack of enemies and decides they’re going to need some serious firepower. One of the gamers says, “Have you seen my clips? We got this.” So to be clear, the survival of all of Gotham’s gamers lies in the hands of a man so delusional he assumes Batwoman has seen edited highlights of him playing video games. And he is using those unseen video game clips to leverage his side of the argument which is, “You’re wrong, Batwoman. We’ll be fine without weapons.” There is just no way these people could have ever predicted starring in their own Batman comic would make them look like such stupid goddamn assholes.

Oracle takes Batwoman’s side in the argument– she thinks they shouldn’t face off against Riddler’s super Matrix army with their bare hands and licensed FaZe Clan t-shirts and hats available now. She upgrades them, another important part of the plan she has kept secret for no reason, and they gain the powers of HEALER, TANK, ARCHER, and MAGE. Like the rest of this, it’s stupid and silly, but just wrong enough to sound inauthentic. In sports terms, this would be like assigning them the powers of a PITCHER, SHORTSTOP, LEFT HANDER, and DOMINICAN.

After getting character types for the wrong setting and genre, they all shout aggressively unrelated catchphrases. “MY FAMILY WOULD LOVE THIS!” says HEALER. It’s a deep cut reference for true FaZe Clan fans who know this is the one with a family. “DAMN, I LOOK GREAT!” says the one who got bitch ass level 0 starting robes.

The team splits up to attack the four quadrants of the cyberzone, each protected by a different Batman villain boss, and I finally have no criticism. What a perfect sentence I just typed.

The first quadrant they go to is Two-Face’s, which is just him and two bombs. He hits them with a brain teaser of a puzzle– one of them isn’t a real bomb!

“Okay, let me think carefully about this,” says the world’s greatest gamer as he tries to slow things down. “Fucking fuck it,” thinks the world’s greatest boy detective as he shakes the shit out of one of the bombs. Whichever one was real explodes, and I’d say this is probably the worst case scenario caused by attacking the problem in the dumbest possible way, but it works!

Cyber Two-Face has been obliterated and they acquire his token! “HUH?” says the world’s greatest gamer who is sort of right? Let’s go see how the next team is doing in Quadrant Two against the Mr. Freeze simulation.

Amidst all this sloppy insanity, “DID BATMAN REALLY THINK A GAMER COULD STOP ME?” is a pretty funny thing for a video game enemy to say. He’s saying it like it’s a racial slur, like Gamers are genetically predisposed to be bad at video games. Anyway, the FaZe Clan guy uses his l33t strats to walk directly into Mr. Freeze’s attack and one-shots him with a hammer. There’s a lot of talk about these being great players, but so far the villains have been defeated by stupidity and stupidity, respectively.

After Mr. Freeze dies, they win a snow globe of his nude wife, and I can’t stress this enough: it’s a snow globe of his nude wife.

I feel like we can skip the next one. Scarecrow is too scary for Batwing to fight, but not too scary for him to give an inspiring pep talk to the FaZe Clan guy… 

… who closes his eyes and launches an arrow that bounces off everything until it one-shots the boss. This is trash. A human writer shouldn’t be capable of putting ideas together this poorly. If a gorilla said this to me in sign language I’d tell it, “Shut the fuck up, dumbest ape. Worst ape.”

Next up, Nightwing and the mage face off against The Joker in a “maze” of mirrors!

After smashing a few mirrors, there seems to be nothing they can do other than smash several more, but then they get an idea: a heartbeat scanner! Wait, no, what?

Okay, so this video game Joker simulation has a functioning heart, and it pumps loudly enough you can detect it with a phone. Fine, I buy it. But then the mage says, “YOU PLAYED YOURSELF,” and I have a real problem with this. Sure, it’s a turn of phrase appropriate to these people and their culture, but something about it rings false. Is it because maybe The Joker didn’t “play himself” by having a cardiovascular system? Do you think that could be it, FaZe Clan? This is like killing someone with a banana and telling them “You CAN haz cheezeburger.” In any other comic this dipshit would have been BLAMPHing into a death trap, but in this one he farts on The Joker’s head, posts the wrong meme, and takes us into the finale.

You probably didn’t expect a comic about hyper-competitive narcissists to climax with Giant Super Riddler underestimating the power of friendship, did you? Well, congratulations, you played yourself. 

Look, I get how weird it would be if this comic was good. But to recap, Batman flew across the country and into the wrong universe to recruit the four best gamers for a special mission. They won by watching Robin knock over a suitcase nuke, one-shot three bosses who would be too easy for an Elmo Wheelchair Racing tutorial, and then throw the whole plot away to swarm the main bad guy with a bunch of ordinary non-gamers. You can’t write a shittier thing than this. Batman FaZe Clan was adapted from a woman asking her grandchildren what “Roblox” are. This is the non-Bruce Willis parts of something called More Dangerous Die 3000.

The only thing that could make it sadder would be if it ended with these useless fuckers sitting around eating Rug’s pizza and wondering if Batman liked them.

In the only shocking plot twist of the story, Batman does like them! He sends them a gamer Friend Request!

DarkKnight27 is accidentally the perfect joke Batman username. Twenty seven is not his age, and February 7th is not the day his parents got killed. He is the 27th player who named himself “DarkKnight.” On an average Gotham night, dozens of maniacs are escaping Arkham Asylum or pulling citizens into manholes, and Batman is in his cave cursing at a title screen that tells him, “Username DarkKnight is unavailable. Username DarkKnight1 is unavailable. Username Vengeance_Jeff is unavailable. Username SecretBruce is unavailable.” In any other Batman story he would already have the username TheBat and emerge from the shadows to say, “Hh. I camp on the coolest names on every online service. Not all crime is fought in the streets.” But after only thirty pages with these clowns Batman is reduced to, “hi rug! my name is DarkKnight27! plz add me lol! I main SHORTSTOP!”

…

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Rain Vargas, FaZe Clan’s official Jeff Wrangler.

Categories
PODCASTING DAY

Podcasting Day: The Double Trouble Barbarian Game with Michael Swaim! 🌭

What if one barbarian was a cop and another was a jewel thief? What if they were twins? What if you were them? What if Small Beans‘ Michael Swaim was half of that? Congratulations, you’ve just imagined “Double Trouble,” the podcast game by Brockway based on the film Double Trouble. And to be clear, this is a game about the 1992 Barbarian Brothers Double Trouble, not the Hong Kong, ’80s sitcom, Italian, Elvis, Punjabi, or Mary-Kate & Ashley ones, which I imagine are coming soon.

Listen here, or wherever you get podcasts. Like, and have your Good Cop twin Review. Or Share, and have your Bad News twin Subscribe. Thanks for doing that, but that’s not all! Patrons get a bonus podcast where they can play along with Brockway’s second Barbarian Brothers Double Trouble Home Roleplaying System where Swaim and Seanbaby face off to rewrite the ending of Double Trouble! Again, not the Elvis or the Punjabi one! The barbarian cop one! Here are their character sheets!

It’s double the Fun! Quadruple the Trouble! 23 the Barbarian! All day today in the Dogg Zzone 9000!

Categories
FUCKING DAY

Fucking Day: 1,001 Sexcapades To Do If You Dare 🌭

Daring fuckventurers! Bold spelunkers of holes! Today our minds make love with knowledge! We are reading 2008’s 1001 SEXCAPADES TO DO IF YOU DARE. IF YOU DARE! By Bobbi Dempsey.

Like any sex book that starts with a number, 1001 Sexcapades to do if You Dare is not an instructional manual so much as it’s a psychological experiment to see how long it takes the author to suggest you go fuck in a bowling alley. It’s the vaguely horny remains of thought after all knowledge and wisdom has been juiced from a human brain.

Bobbi Dempsey is not like the other one-note sex authors featured here on our illustrious 🌭 website. She is a true Renaissance woman, writing books for dummies and idiots on a variety subjects like acupuncture, saving money in college, reading the minds of your enemies, Philadelphia, making your own ice cream, and of course, fucking. And here’s something weird, she gets her professional headshots done by the same guy who did your 6th grade class photos:

Every entry in 1001 Sexcapades to do if You Dare is rated by Bobbi herself from one burning heart (“Sexy, but low-risk”) to five burning hearts (“It doesn’t get any wilder”). These scores are never referenced and mean nothing. Penetrating a stranger to completion might be worth one burning heart and buying garlic bread might be worth five. Is it some kind of code? Did her Wordstar floppy disk come to life and this is how machines beg to die? Or does she… my God, does Bobbi not know how to fuck? No, impossible, this is the author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Homemade Ice Cream‘s second comprehensive guide book to all sex. She simply must know how to fuck.

It’s hard to truly look at ourselves and admit our flaws. But when you set out to write 1001 ways to fuck and after only 21, with 980 still to go, you are already suggesting “Go rent a video on how to fuck, and also try not to fuck,” this task is beyond you and you have to know that. Just get out, Bobbi! It’s not too late! This is entry #22! It’s not even close to too late!

So here we are 16 entries later and Bobbi’s tip for the sexually adventurous is to READ ANOTHER, ANY OTHER, INSTRUCTION MANUAL ON FUCKING.

So here we are 23 entries later and Bobbi’s tip for the sexually adventurous is to READ ANOTHER, ANY OTHER, INSTRUCTION MANUAL ON FUCKING.

Now that you’ve bought several other books and learned what sex is, maybe consider not having it? You know, “on purpose.”

By the way, if you’re wondering if it’s unusual for a sex tip book to tell you three different times to go learn about sex somewhere else and then tell you to stop having it, yes. It’s very unusual. Especially since, holy shit, we’re still in the fifties?

Sex expert Bobbi Dempsey has told you 97 different pathways to wild sex. She suddenly remembers something. “Oh my god, have you ever tried jerking off? It’s sort of like sex, I think, but alone. Let’s see… what else, what else? Oh! You could look up ‘intercourse’ at the library!”

In the first sex book written for virgins, Bobbi suggests buying a “fake vagina” and fucking it. Think of it like “an artificial vulva.” A type of “imaginary mons pubis,” if you will. In many ways, it’s similar to a “cubed section of corpse pelvis.” At three burning hearts it’s less adventurous than masturbating without one (four burning hearts), but it’s sometimes nice to slow things down and ejaculate into a gaping rubber hole.

“Didja hear this one? Didja hear about this? They have fake holes now that come in, get this, butt. That’s right, and this is real, there’s a new opening hitting the market and they’re calling it ‘anal.’ Hey, you know maybe if Bill Clinton had one of these, Monica Lewinsky could have taken a break from sharing cigars and gotten back to her cardio. Ya seen her? Ya seen Monica lately? I don’t want to get in trouble for animal cruelty, but the next blue dress they collect for evidence is gonna have to get filed as a circus tent. Must be her high sodium liquid diet. The filthy fat cocksucking monster.”

This probably hasn’t occurred to you, but Bobbi says while you’re masturbating into a butt, you can imagine it was the butt of someone famous…

… or not famous! You can think about having sex with any attractive person. Oh, and here’s an advanced Bobbi Dempsey tip– use some discretion before telling your husband you want to fuck the gardener’s face.

Here’s another secret no other sexcapade book will tell you– you can masturbate to the thought of anybody, even the ugly and loathsome! If I can get real here for a second, I don’t think I’ve ever seen an author stop what they were doing to nakedly reveal the strangest part of themselves like this. This is weird as fuck. Jerk off to someone you hate, even though it will be annoying, and don’t tell your wife because she’ll think you’re masturbating to her because you want her!? It’s like a radical treatment your therapist would give you right before they show you their penis and tell you they killed your therapist.

Oh no, Bobbi.

Bobbi, that’s maybe enough.

Bobbi, you absolutely have to stop.

I honestly thought I knew what “sexcapades” meant from context, but I was very wrong. How am I even supposed to joke about this, Bobbi? You sure add the “ault” to sexual ass? There’s no funny way to say, “I beg your pardon, you’ve written a list of ways to rape.” I guess it can’t get any worse.

Oh my god.

Ugh, her idea was “roleplay as an annoying person” and she called it “FIND OUT IF BLOWHARDS GET BLOWJOBS?” I know how this is going to sound, but Bobbi, maybe go back to the rape stuff.

I have a feeling your readers are going to nail this one, Bobbi.

You may have noticed, or assumed, that a lot of these 1001 authors will squeeze extra entries out of basically the same idea. However, most of them at least try to hide it a little bit. Gregory Godek will put a few hundred entries between “buy her a pizza” and “put a note on a pizza that says you’ve got a PIZZA my heart.” Bobbi doesn’t have the guile for that. She types every single variation right in a row. She’ll be like, “#244: Eat Ass! #245: Eat Stuff Out of Their Ass? #246: Eat That Ass When They Don’t Want You To. #247: Eat Nonconsensual Ass in a Bonnet. #248-#267: Different Colors of Unwanted Ass-Eating Bonnets.”

This woman has given herself a puzzle– say 1001 things about sex, and we’re simply witnesses to her “solving” it in the goddamn stupidest way possible.

I like this version of Bobbi’s recurring “go look it up somewhere else” sex tip because she put in a little extra effort. Although if you’re telling readers to go research sex toys, you should really put a spoiler alert before you explain dildos. Actually, hey, why did she tell me to go read about sex toys in a different book and then prove she’s perfectly capable of explaining sex toys? This is like delivering a map to someone’s house with directions on how to get to your house to pick up a dildo. It’s also maybe worth noting that Bobbi thinks browsing an adult catalog for purely academic reasons (3 burning hearts) is 50% wilder than snorting cocaine out of your lover’s ass (2 burning hearts).

It looks like Bobbi found some fun stuff while she was looking up dildos.

Have you guys heard of pornography? Check it out at your local library if you haven’t, but it’s videos of sex and get this: not everyone who makes it uses a union cinematographer. Try watching some!

Sometimes I’m sort of impressed at the meaningless chatter Bobbi manages to add to each entry. I mean, “watch amateur porn” isn’t much of a sex tip. It’s, in fact, nothing. But it is a complete thought. There’s nothing to add to it. There’s no person alive who needs Bobbi to elaborate on any of these, and yet she does. I just want you to appreciate how much mediocrity it takes to consider “amateur porn is porn made by amateurs” to be a fact worth sharing.

So if I’m understanding this correctly, Bobbi (in 2008) thought her readers had never heard of “amateur porn,” but knew exactly what gang bangs were and where to find VHS tapes of them.

While you’re picking up your gang bang tapes, maybe buy all the other porn? Maybe watch all of it in a week and pretend it’s an adult film festival. Maybe invent your own rating system? Maybe hold a pre-masturbation gala with your cats? Maybe draw a face on your rubber asshole and interview it on the red carpet? “Who are you wearing, Anal Opening? Haunting wet fart sound? Fabulous. And now back to me for the complex review of Forced Milk Guzzling 4 Hours of XXX Squirt-Hating Studs. It’s three Milky No’s way up!”

I doubt anyone predicted how much of this sex adventure book would be jerking off alone in the dorkiest possible ways. If you asked Bobbi Dempsey what qualified her to write this book, she might actually say, “Most of my experience is theoretical, but I have almost gotten Jenna Jameson’s top off on my IBM PC compatible personal computer. And I’m founder and host of the My Mom’s Guest Room’s 7-Day Erotic Film Festival.”

Here’s a wild suggestion! Have you tried asking a dildo clerk which dildo is best? If you ask them for “the real shit” they legally have to take you in the back and just destroy all your holes.

Try the yab yum pose? What the fuck does that mean? I get this book is for nerds, Bobbi, but I doubt any of your readers speak fluent Ewok.

First “yab yum” and now “woman on top?” No one knows what these words mean, Bobbi. You’re not making any sense.

What the goddamn fucking milk-squirting fuck!? We are only just now having an orgasm!? Bobbi, did you think we pounded off into our silicone butts for a week and nothing came out!? And wait, whoa, wait– did you give this orgasm one burning heart!?!? I’ve been building to this climax for 441 entries! I might turn the fuck inside out when this thing goes off.

Buy more adult games? What? Bobbi’s readers are the only people who have never heard of adult toys, intercourse, or masturbation, yet also have a collection of erotic board games they’ve played to death, yet also need someone to suggest “buy more of the thing you clearly have a lot of interest in!” Oh, and Bobbi says “you and your partner can pick out a certain number of games each.” That’s great writing because a certain number means certain fun!

When I read the title 1001 Sexcapades to do if You Dare, I sort of figured it would be a list of places where it’s unsafe to bone. But to her credit, Bobbi waited until the 500s before she started doing that. This is obviously a virgin nerd’s idea of a scheme, and she sort of gives it away by rating it one burning heart. She thinks risking suicide-by-cop for an adrenaline-fueled fuck fest in a police station is exactly half as wild as going online to replenish your adult board game supply. I’m not saying Bobbi has never fucked. I’m saying Bobbi has never even smelled someone who has fucked.

Anyway, we’ve got to be coming up soon on “fuck at the bowling alley.”

There it is.

It’s almost cute how she rates the pros and cons of banging at the mini golf course versus a regular golf course as if she would know or expect any living person to take her advice. She literally cannot conceive of what mini golf sex would be like other than one out of five on the wild scale and surrounded by children and the elderly.

By raw numbers, 1001 Sexcapades to do if You Dare suggests more sex crimes than any book ever written, and it does it in the most casual way. This isn’t outrageous– this is someone who has no sense of consequences because their only hobby is playing against themselves in pornographic board games.

“Go fuck near kids, maybe on a slide. I don’t know, I haven’t tried it. One star.” – Bobbi Dempsey

I think that’s enough locations to get us started. Let’s skip past this part of the book.

Sure, liquor. Another great idea, fuck machine.

Have you heard of “Thai food?” It’s a rare cuisine from the mystic Orient. You don’t fuck in it or anything. Eating Thai food is the entire sexcapade, and precisely as erotic as Sex in a Funeral Home.

Use donuts, I don’t know. Put them on your dick, maybe stick them on a titty. You’ll figure it out.

Bobbi is in the mid 700s and she can see the finish line. “Basically ram some vegetables up your vagina” is sex book author for “Oh God I don’t know if I have any more of these in me.”

If your advice is to cheat on my wife with John Oates, I’m way ahead of you, Bobbi.

If your advice is to not call John Oates “Daryl Hall” during sex, I’m way ahead of you, Bobbi. 

Oh hell yeah. I have no notes. Sweet sexcapade, Bobbi, and I’m not even being sarcastic. There probably aren’t a thousand ways to fuck anyway, so we might as well start listing our favorite Poison songs. You took mine, so I’ll say “Nothin’ But a Good Time.”

Seriously, what a legend to finish out her book by just naming random things.

Amazing. Amazing.

Hahaha this incel dingbat is buying a margarita like she’s a fucking anthropologist.

I’ve never seen anything like it. She is putting every remaining thought on the page no matter how vaguely related it is to sex. She just told us to fuck a pie like in the movie!

Bobbi knew the risks, but she was running out of time and knew she had to have sex at least once before she finished her sex book.

Bobbi, I think your readers knew this was how their journey was going to end.

Holy crap. Can we maybe slow it down a little, Bobbi?

Perfect. The same as all her other tips, but a little bit less lonely. I really mean it when I say this, Bobbi: this was breathtaking. Never has anyone written less about a subject they were more unfamiliar with, and I will think of you every time I call my silicone butt by the wrong name.

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This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Michael Lehr, who did something worth five burning hearts and now the cops won’t stop searching for him until he finds a garage.

Categories
PODCASTING DAY

Podcasting Day: Documental Season 5 with Lydia Bugg! 🌭

It’s Podcasting Day, where there are 9000 Dogg Zzones, and this is all of them. This week we’re joined by our own Liddy to revisit Documental, the impenetrable Japanese reality competition about not laughing. Specifically, we talk about season five, featuring the return of Jimmy– the man who came to a comedy contest armed only with a dress and a mouth capable of swallowing a party of adventurers.

Listen here, or wherever you get podcasts! There are spoilers ahead and all over the fucking podcast, so consider watching Documental Season Five (streaming on Amazon) before listening!

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Okay, about the show: season five added some more chaos to the format, with each contestant able to bring a guest, but it’s mainly notable for the emergence of the Frank Dux of making a room full of naked men laugh, Hollywood Zakoshisyoh.

No one knew what to do to him or about him.

Documental was created by Hitoshi Matsumoto as an act of laughter science. He reduced comedy to a test of honor and strategy, and he’s been tweaking the formula for years to understand the fundamentals of hilarity. And then Hollywood Zakoshi came in and taught him he knew nothing. For four seasons this maniac had been studying the show, preparing. And with the fury of a thousand 1994 Jim Carreys, he dick-twirled and ball-flopped his way to the most one-sided victory reality television has ever seen. Lydia was not happy we asked her to watch it!

Please enjoy! And help the show by liking, subscribing, reviewing… all that! (γ„γ„γ­γ€γ‚·γ‚§γ‚’γ€γ‚³γƒ‘γƒ³γƒˆγ€γƒγƒ£γƒ³γƒγƒ«η™»ιŒ²γŠι‘˜γ„γ—γΎγ™!) Or you could buy something from the store! Watching lunatics shake their penis at one another is how we make our living!

Categories
LEARNING DAY

Learning Day: 2,002 Ways to Show Your Kids You Love Them

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