Merritt joined our crew in 2023, and instantly became our expert on 1990s forgotten absurdity. We have several experts on 1990s forgotten absurdity. We’re still hiring more. There will always be a need. But if you’re thinking of writing smart, thoroughly researched hilarity on children’s tie-in toys from 1993, you are going to have to knife fight Merritt. Fair warning: She always brings a gun.
Obviously RIFTS. Of course, RIFTS. It’s unthinkable we hadn’t covered RIFTS until this article, but here’s the thing – it’s been pitched and approved several times and every single other author was too much of a coward to do it. Until Merritt! She alone was willing to read 8.7 million tables about how glitter damage applies to mecha-ponies.
Remember Skeleton Warriors? No, you don’t. Get out of here, liar. Only Merritt remembers Skeleton Warriors, and she does it so you don’t have to. Best of all we got through this entire blurb without mentioning the sex crime stuff- aw, god dammit.
The 1990s were the decade we tried everything in any direction to repeat the success of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. At some point we thought the kids might’ve loved TMNT because the title was adjective-Japanese-adjective-team. Then we decided the secret must be Tim Curry. Kids love Tim Curry, said the studio behind Superhuman Samurai Syber Squad. The kids did not agree.
See, Sky Dancers, they’re always at the mall. Am I right, Sky Dancers? Always at the mall, all talking about your sex life like “Dreadwing couldn’t get it up last night.” That’s too much information, Sky Dancers! Where like, we Dragon Flyz? Haha – us Dragon Flyz will sit down together and watch four hours of Dragon Footballz without saying a word. These are but a few of the comical differences between Sky Dancers and Dragon Flyz, the exact same toy arbitrarily separated by gender. Am I right, folks?!
In the late 1990s, Diesel thought the North American Market was ready for the manga JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure. But you’d have to take out all the colorful characters, ridiculous poses, band names, and gayness. We were left with Diesel, which is to say we were left with nothing.