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Nerding Day: OMAC One Man Army?
Author: Lydia Bugg
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Fucking Day: How to Talk Dirty ðŸŒ
In 1909 James Joyce wrote to his wife extensively about how much he loved her “tiny little naughty farties.” It’s the strangest, filthiest, and also sweetest collection of love letters in all of history. Since we no longer have to write out our appreciation for our spouse’s “upturned rump,” the art of dirty talk is at risk of fading into obscurity. Luckily, a courageous writer named Juicy Queen is here to try and revive it.
Technically the full title of this book is Dirty Talk: Over 400 Examples and Quotes Of Dirty Talk And Sext That Are Proven To Make Your Lover Go Crazy & Give You Maximum Pleasure & Joy Tonight. Wow, that’s a really long…wait; sorry, there’s more. Learn The Guide To A Great Sex With Your Man Or Woman And Lustful Language Expressions. The title of this book is a full paragraph long! Diving into it, I expected that to be the kind of rich, descriptive language I would be greeted with, and yet what I got was…
Now I’m worried that people think I was dirty talking to them if I said yep too enthusiastically. It’s the exclamation point that makes it so horny, right? If you say yep, it’s normal, but yep! Calm down, you lascivious maniac. It does get dirtier than yep right away, but it doesn’t get any more impressive.
If you need a book to tell you to say, “shit, I’m cumming” during sex, I don’t know that you’re human. Everyone on earth is born with certain phrases encoded into our DNA, and “shit, I’m cumming” is one of them. This is like telling someone to say AAAHH when you see a clown in a haunted house or, “Oh my God, my roommate just texted that my car is on fire,” if a guy dressed like Criss Angel asks for your phone number. It’s just unnecessary. Nature told us to do that.
Now you may be asking yourself, has Juicy Queen already run out of good dirty talk by number eight in this book of over four hundred examples and quotes of dirty talk and sext? Don’t worry, my friend, the numbering system in this book is super weird and sometimes non-existent. Sometimes it’s just a pile of dirty words that don’t even go together.
I love that this book isn’t afraid to ask tough questions like, “How do your corners work?” I have no idea how to answer that. Fine for front stuff? For a moment, this sentence made me think maybe this book had been run through an auto translator, but if you were going to steal a book about dirty talk, wouldn’t you choose a better one? Maybe something that doesn’t read like it was written by an AI who learned everything it knows about human sexuality from gas station t-shirts.
That summary might be unfair. Not everything in this book has a gas station t-shirt vibe. There’s also a bunch of dirty talk that sounds like it’s specifically aimed at an old-timey gold prospector or perhaps an 1800s oil baron you’re trying to persuade to write you into his will.
Trousers, underpants, pornographic videos? Is this how fancy people sext? If I were going to try and fuck the old rich guy from the Monopoly box, I think this is definitely how I would go about it. The part where it says, “shoving my trouser down your throat,” is a bit concerning to me because I think trousers refers to the whole pant. Shoving an entire pair of pants in someone’s mouth doesn’t seem super sexy to me. It seems difficult. It would probably be a fun challenge, but not an ideal sexual activity to make your partner eat an entire pair of pants. The point is, when this goes wrong the police will assume you are good at murdering, not terrible at fucking.
You know a series of sentences must be truly baffling when I don’t mention the phrase hungry hole straight away. Hungry hole is not even on radar at this point. That’s where we are in this book. I’m fine with hungry hole. When you’re choking to death on pants, hungry hole is normal.
The deeper you get into How To Talk Dirty, the more you begin to question your knowledge of anatomy. I don’t want to brag, but I’ve had sex, and as such, I thought I had a fairly good understanding of where most of the important parts are on the human body and what you’re expected to do with those parts in a sexual situation. It turns out that might not be the case. I have no idea what’s going on in this paragraph, for instance.
The Rubik’s cube of the human body doesn’t turn this way in my head. Which hole is the unnerving entrance? Which hole is the perfect one? And in this scenario, I think there are a lot more holes, and I don’t know where they go. Is this person fucking SpongeBob SquarePants?
The math this book makes me do in my head is harder than when I was studying for the ACT. Ok, if there are two people, it’s at least four holes, up to 6 holes, and women actually have like three down there, so, two people… assuming they’re both women, I guess we could be looking at up to 20 potential holes? No, wait, that’s not right. If one hole leaves the train station at midnight…
I’ve decided I would like this book to apologize for what it’s just done to my brain. Luckily there’s a whole section on apologizing for the strange things you might have dirty misspoken in the heat of the moment. That’s right, they built the apologies for the book right into the book. That’s the kind of forethought we don’t usually expect from this type of author.
It’s really funny that the book doesn’t need any context for these apologies. It knows you will read the apology and automatically know exactly what you did and that you will need this apology for that action. I would love to see a more detailed apology with some mystery to it, like, “It was not cool that I didn’t ask to use the catapult or tell you what would happen if the catapult malfunctioned in such a horrific way. I should have asked if you were allergic to bees earlier in the process, but I was swept up in the moment and didn’t consider that this would cause so many issues.”
There are so many actions in this book that should lead to apologies, especially if your target audience needs to be told “shit, I’m cumming” is a thing you could say during sex. If that’s the target audience, everything else in the book needs to be very specific. And yet, they’ve left so much room for error.
The one thing I like about the phrasing of “I just masturbated in your honor” is that it immediately puts the reader’s expectations where they should be. Starting with “in your honor” could be catastrophic because going into the sentence that way builds the anticipation that maybe someone has donated a statue to a botanical garden in your honor or named a star in your honor. Here’s the vibrant language I was searching for in How To Talk Dirty, and you know what? I don’t like it. Maybe it’s the [insert sexual action here] first? The typical reader of this book will end up constructing a sentence like, “trouser swallowing, I just masturbated in your honor.”
Another thing this book should apologize for is the “emoji sex” section. It includes a bunch of gross and over-explanatory descriptions of emojis and their potential uses in sexual situations.
Yeah, I got it. But the truly horrific thing is the big fake emojis which don’t exist used to illustrate the chapter. They’re there for some extra pizazz, I guess. A little extra dash of decoration, like a cardboard cutout of Elvis in the corner of a vintage shop for some reason, but instead of Elvis, it’s the thumbs up emoji with an enormous yellow hard on. I don’t know if we can post this on Patreon, but my current thought process is if I had to see this, so do you. Maybe we can edit it so he’s holding a big baseball bat or something?
Editor’s Note: We already had a picture of you fighting a snake. And then we can add another snake for the balls.
Maybe right now you’re thinking, surely that’s the creepiest thing in this book, and while it’s the most lasting image, there is one more piece of dirty talk I’d like to leave you with. This is advanced level dirty talk you shouldn’t try unless you’re very sure what you’re getting into. It will definitely ensure the person you say it to never forgets you.
Folks, that’s it for me. I have to go unlearn all that I have learned to be able to speak like a normal person again. Or, as the writer of this book would say [Insert sexual action here] in your honor I will be performing the forever screams tonight.
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This article is brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Joshua Graves, who is mouthful of trouser sexy.
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Nerding Day: Bokee’s Trek
Imagine you wanted to build a Lord Of The Rings resort, but you don’t want to pay Lord Of The Rings licensing money. What do you think the best solution to this problem would be? Build another kind of resort? Raise money? Or, write a terrible Lord Of The Rings fanfiction with the serial numbers filed off and base the resort on your very own IP. Since option three is both stupid and still illegal, you’ve probably guessed I’m going to talk about that one.
Nestled deep in the enchanted hills of Knoxville, Tennessee sits Ancient Lore Village. A fairytale themed resort based on the book Bokee’s Trek: Outcasts Of Inner Earth, a book with two Amazon reviews and a grand total rating of two and a half stars.
You might be thinking; sure, this sounds like something someone would try to pull in the 1970s when no one would find out about their little illegal theme park until it had been running for thirty years and the original Bokee character actor was long dead of syphilis. Part of what makes this resort so unique is someone had the audacity to try it in the year of our lord 2021. In 2021 they built a resort around a book with one positive review that said they didn’t like the book, but the resort made them feel like a real Hobbit. Hobbits don’t exist in Bokee’s Trek.
I agree the book does have a good premise. It’s about a magical guy traveling around a world of fairytale creatures on a noble quest. It’s the premise of Lord Of The Rings. Katy should try reading that because Bokee has nothing on Frodo. For one thing, Bokee looks terrifying.
Most of the creatures in the book are non-copyrightable fairytale staples like leprechauns, gremlins, yetis, etc. It does have some LOTR crossover species, including Elves, Dwarves, and Orcs… you know, the free ones. If you add big hairy feet to those leprechauns and make them high as hell, the Tolkein estate is coming for you. There’s exactly one species created for the series. They’re called Willows, and they’re just elves with weirdly long earlobes and arms. Stay tuned for my next great character: Tall Mickey Mouse.
I barely have words for how bad the writing in this book is, and it’s my whole job to have words for bad things. It reads like a hotel brochure, occasionally interrupted by yetis that the reader probably doesn’t care about except to hear about the exact dimensions of their house. As we all know, the most entertaining part of any fantasy story is the painfully detailed mathematical statistics.
So, a Willow converts to precisely two yards, or “this is pointlessly useless” in English.
That’s not very much in WoM dimensions, but very spacious in Willows. Maybe? The point is, they use our exact same rulers, but call it a dumb name every six feet. Which are often used as a unit of measurement anyway by the author instead of Willows, so what are we doing here, fucking Bokee?
This man is just pulling from the building instructions for the resort as he half pays attention to his Hobbit rip-off book. I’m surprised he didn’t throw in that the home decor was from a mystical Homegoods by TJ Maxx. The endless buffet in the Gremlins Village was an unbelievable $14.99 gremlin dollars on the weekends.
The moral of Bokee’s Trek is supposed to be about all races coming together peacefully. Something we need more eighty-year-old white men to write about, in my opinion. According to the Ancient Lore Village website, the author was inspired to write Bokee’s Trek after joining his son on the campaign trail and finding, “There was so much hatred, intolerance, and misunderstanding of others.” His son was a Republican candidate for governor who spent 19 million dollars on his own campaign and lost because he ran so many negative ads against his opponents that it just convinced everyone he was dick. Tennessee Republicans thought this guy was too cruel to be the governor. That’s like being told to calm down by Kanye West.
I hate to analyze this truly terrible book from a literary perspective because it doesn’t deserve it, but the moral of the story is not that all races should just get along and love each other. Bokee lives in a world where all the different creatures are separated by a magical mist they can travel through, but their God OOoomah has told them not to. Bokee defies God, and travels through the mist to meet the other creatures, but they are mostly all scary, weird, and terrible to him.
The other fairytale creatures know they aren’t supposed to communicate with each other, so they treat Bokee as a curiosity. They creep him out and play terrible tricks on him. The Leprechauns turn him into a foot, and the Gremlins hang him upside down from the ceiling and laugh at him. These creatures can’t help it. It’s in their nature. The moral I’m getting from the story is: look, we all know minorities are scary, but we gotta rise above and try to get along with these creeps, I guess?
Leprechaun nationalists, please stop disfiguring and torturing me and let me go home. Thanks!
Although it may be true there wasn’t enough thought put into this book to have any real moral at all. This man named an elf Brigadoon. He named an elf after a famous play that’s been adapted to both film and television multiple times? He gave the fairies Asian features and then named one of them Ube, a purple yam used in Filipino cooking. He named a yeti Blowdon and didn’t write LOL after it.
Lots of the creatures have animals in their village, and the animals are always dogs with wings. He had one idea for a mythical animal, and he stole it from pegasuses, and he couldn’t even steal a second thing for another mythical creature? Here I’ll do it in three seconds: fire breathing dog, very tall dog named Clifford, dog that is smart enough to use a toilet. Simple, elegant, cool ideas that took me thirty seconds. Here’s a description of the Dwarves’ dog and a picture of the Fairies’ dog so you know I’m not exaggerating.
“Why am I typing all this? It’s just a goddamn bulldog, reader.” – Bokee’s Trek
The Gremlins also have a dog that’s described as being so beautiful because the gremlins are so ugly, and OOoomah wanted them to have something beautiful to look at. Then the writer threw in a photograph of what is clearly his own dog. So, it’s just a regular pretty dog. The mystical creatures created for this book include an elf with long ears, a dog with wings, another dog with wings, and a regular dog.
I guess if you’re writing a book designed to rip off Lord Of The Rings and teach people to be nicer to your angry son, you might as well throw in a humble brag about your hot dog while you’re at it. This Hank Hill ass author grows more Hank Hill by the second as he rounds out his story.
Bokee’s Trek ends with him returning home and getting exiled from his village into a fiery unknown. However, on the path to the fiery unknown, they run into all of the families Bokee met on his journey who were also exiled for talking to Bokee, and they all end up in a new valley where a directive from their God OOoomah tells them to start a new world together. Then this fellowship, you might call it, of generic fairytale creatures and one long-armed freak make a ring of homes near a waterfall in Tennessee, the famous land of equality. That way, people can “see that different people can live in harmony together and possibly change their paths to the acceptance of all as one race.”
Just think, if people had been nicer to Randy Boyd on the campaign trail we might not have this wonderful book, and the resort that came from it. It just goes to show you that sometimes people really do deserve to be bullied, and good things can come from bullying them.
The Monster Mash is a work of genius. Christmas songs are a genre, but the “Monster Mash” stands alone. It’s the only Halloween song. Don’t come at me with your other vaguely spooky songs. Don’t say “Season Of The Witch” to me. Don’t be the “Ghostbusters” guy. Those are songs you can trot out at Halloween, but we all know they’re pretenders to the throne. If you ask someone to name a Halloween song, they’ll say “Monster Mash” first one hundred percent of the time.
Every year around Halloween, the Monster Mash discord begins. Is it a song about a dance, or is the song discussed within the song also called The Monster Mash? That’s a boring question, but I’ll answer it. The Monster Mash is a song and dance created by Boris, the mad scientist narrator of the song. How do I know this? Because I’ve Monster Mashed harder and longer than anyone.
I’ve listened to “The Monster Swim,” “The Monster Rap,” and the entire album The Original Monster Mash. They had to call the record The Original Monster Mash to distinguish it from a rival Monster Mash album released the same year. You see, nobody has a trademark on monsters mashing. That’s why there’s so much bigfoot erotica on amazon.
Bobby Pickett won the war of the Monster Mash’s not because his album was the most creative or the best produced. I think John Zacherle’s Monster Mash has much more to offer in terms of both musical composition and lyrical creativity as a whole, but he’s not the impressionist that Pickett is. Pickett also showed a commitment to the Monster Mash. He was still putting out Monster Mash content in 2004. That’s forty-two years of furiously Monster Mashing. In that amount of time most people would find a second, even a third passion.
The most interesting thing about “Monster Mash” is the lore Pickett created for his characters. He was the original slash fiction writer. Monster Mash has a large cast of musical monsters and discusses the effect entering into the music industry has on their lives. The most deeply affected monster is Dracula, who plays the role of Turtle in Entourage to Boris the mad scientist’s Adrian Grenier. We first hear in the original Monster Mash that Dracula is disappointed to have his hit song “The Transylvania Twist” replaced by the “Monster Mash.”
People have recently taken this line out of context and suggested that Boris stole “The Transylvania Twist” from Dracula to make the Monster Mash, but I’m familiar with both canonical versions of “The Transylvania Twist,” and neither sounds anything like “Monster Mash.” The Original Monster Mash has a version of “The Transylvania Twist” on it, and in 2004 a trio of musical melons sang a modernized take on the song in the film Spookley The Square Pumpkin. It’s…not great. It rhymes the word stomp with jomp. Jomp is not a word. If it was, it would be a Finnish Van Halen cover band or a sexually transmitted foot disease.
Coming in at the length of an average urinary catheter commercial, Dracula’s “Transylvania Twist” was never going to be the smash hit that “Monster Mash” was. Boris produced “Transylvania Twist” because he’s friends with Dracula and wanted to do him a favor. It might have been popular for a bit, and Dracula enjoyed his fame, but it was soon overshadowed by “Monster Mash.” The lyrics insinuate that people can’t resist doing the “Transylvania Twist,” but unfortunately for Dracula, it turns out they could! And did.
Boris then, out of the kindness of his heart, allows Dracula to join his now wildly successful band. I’m not sure what he’s bringing to the table there; I don’t think he plays any instruments. But by the end of “Monster Mash,” Boris and Dracula are on good terms again. Dracula is in a well paying job as a musician in a successful band. He should be thrilled. That should be the end of Boris and Dracula’s tension, but it’s only the beginning.
The first three songs on The Original Monster Mash are all about the deteriorating relationship between Boris and Dracula. After The Monster Mash opens the album, we go straight into “Rabian – The Fiendage Idol.”
In this song, Dracula has come to Boris as the manager of Van Helsing, who has been transformed into a werewolf that wants to be a teenage idol. Sexy Teen Pop Star Van Helsing Werewolf is definitely something a fan-fiction writer came up with. I’m surprised I could type out that entire sentence without getting an offer to write it into season seventeen of Riverdale.
Rabian is a terrible singer, that’s the song’s punchline, but Boris blows Dracula off gently with the classic “don’t call us, we’ll call you” and “bring him around next week, will you?” We never hear about Rabian again.
It’s Monster Mash canon that Dracula has a son. He attended the original Monster Mash when his father was the successful singer of “Transylvania Twist.” He never appears again, and it seems like it’s because Dracula lost custody. Otherwise, you would expect him to put forward his son as a potential teen idol before Van Helsing. The next time Dracula is mentioned in “Blood Bank Blues,” we see he’s in dire straits. His relationship with Boris has completely deteriorated, along with all of his money.
He couldn’t pay his bills, so he doesn’t have access to his usual blood bank. Toward the end of the song, which is mostly about how much fun drinking blood is, he completely switches gears and is like, “You know whose fault this is, BORIS!” Dracula accuses Boris of putting a stake in his girl’s heart. You might think this refers to Dracula’s wife, Vampyra Alucard, who is named in a later song because the Monster Mash lore is so endless.
I think Dracula was cheating and had both a wife and girlfriend at this time because my wife and my girl are the same amount of syllables. If Boris had staked his wife, that would be a much more upsetting statement for listeners here, but “girl’s” was an intentional lyrical choice to let us know how bad off Dracula is doing at this point. He’s broke, he’s cheating, he’s not making great music, and he’s blaming Boris for all of this. I feel bad for Dracula.
We then hear three songs with very little to no Dracula lore until we come to “Monster Minuet,” track seven of The Original Monster Mash, which is the craziest song in existence. It’s not even a song. It’s a spoken word poem where Dracula and Boris have a knockdown, drag-out fight at a party Boris is throwing. We learn Dracula’s full name is Count Dracula Alucard, and his wife is Countess Vampyra Alucard. They enter the party together, and Dracula immediately starts complimenting all of the beautiful ladies in waiting at the party, which pisses Boris right off. Things devolve into full wrestling kayfabe from there.
Bobby Pickett got so into his story he went full soap opera and forgot to write a song. It doesn’t rhyme. There’s no beat. You can’t go around your house singing, “Don’t leave that snaggletooth bag of bones you call your wife behind.” It isn’t even an attempt at a jam. It is nonsense. It is something you’d say to your husband if he came back from the bathroom during Riverdale and asked what he missed.
Then Boris meets and falls in love with a Mummy in “Me and My Mummy.” He’s ready to leave the record industry behind and settle down together in her ancient tomb. The relationship doesn’t last long, though and the song after that, “Monster Motion,” features Dracula doing a mental health check on his toxic friend Boris.
Dracula uses Boris’ depression to try and get a new dance craze going called the Monster Motion. It’s a blatant rip off of The Monster Mash, utilizing all of the same monsters in Boris’s Monster Mash now doing an unspecified motion that certainly isn’t mashing for copyright reasons.
There are a few other interesting pieces of Monster Mash lore scattered throughout the album. Igor is fucking Frankenstein’s wife. There’s a whole song devoted to what a sad loser Wolfman is, but the story of Dracula and Boris’ on-again, off-again friendship is by far the most compelling thing on the record. Dracula and Boris end the album on fairly good terms, celebrating Christmas together with all of their other friends by plotting to kidnap Santa Claus.
In 1984, when Bobby Pickett released “The Monster Rap,” he again included Dracula as the same sad, needy, failed musician character. This time Dracula hopes Boris can make him relevant again by teaching him how to rap. And it worked! Everyone remembers “The Monster Rap!”
So, if anyone ever asks you, “what’s the deal with Monster Mash” now you can tell them. It’s the beginning of a fascinating VH1’s Behind the Music episode about a failed musician named Count Dracula Alucard, and his producer friend, Boris. Discussing “Monster Mash” in any other context divests it from the full value of the total work.
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This article was brought to you in remembrance of our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme:Thomas Cavazos, who died of inverted feet. Fuck Jomp.
I’m terrible at investing. I never know whether to put my money in stocks or bonds or that online monkey art that looks like shit but is somehow pretend money. However, I recently found the perfect investment opportunity. For a mere twenty dollars and four hours of my time, I became a MoonStar Academy CERTIFIED psychic.
My instructor was a psychic witch named Astrid, whose real superpower is branding. This woman spends so much time doing business there can’t be a spare moment in the day for sucking the youth from the children of Salem into a big spooky cauldron. She owns magickandwitchcraft.com, where she blogs and keeps a whole online Hogwarts of witch classes. She has a YouTube channel with shamanic drumming ASMR. She does a podcast about witchcraft. She sells tarot readings, astrology readings, and spiritual coaching (which is life coaching with more ghosts). She’s on Insta; and Facebook. The woman is the Kim Kardashian of witchcraft.
Astrid’s philosophy on psychic powers is grounded in logic. She’s a logical, scientific-minded psychic witch, you see. The thing about psychic abilities is everything is based on energy. Some energies are so heavy they are tangible. Meaning they exist in our physical world. Astrid shows us a couple of great examples of heavy energy by picking up things from her desk, like a highlighter and a tiny fuzzy monkey statue, and explaining to us how those things are real because she can touch them.
There are things with light energy we can’t see, but we still believe exist, like cell phone signals, so if you believe in cell phones, you should also believe in psychic energy. It actually makes sense evolutionarily to have psychic powers because it’s part of our survival instinct. It would be great for early humans if we could sense a tiger coming to eat us, so that must have happened. Tiger energy is heavy as hell. Or, in words more easily understood, it is three cell phone signals.
The question is, how do you access this psychic energy? Contrary to what some believe, you don’t need special powers to do it. You just need twenty dollars and a candle. It turns out being psychic is pretty much just staring at a candle and thinking about stuff. Astrid posits all of your thoughts are clairvoyance. That’s hard for me to believe because I have a lot of stupid thoughts. Once I thought I should try to write a Christian erotic novel called Three Wise Men Make a Baby. Was that a psychic premonition? Do I have to do that now? Is anyone’s loins ready?
You must also “deprive your physical sense to access your astral senses.” Which sounds creepy but just means that when you stare at the candle, it should be dark. I feel like an ophthalmologist probably wouldn’t recommend attempting to be psychic. Which seems unimportant when you consider how he will be killed by something blue on November 23rd.
What’s the difference between a guess and a vision by this method of psychic reading? About seventy-five bucks. That’s what Astrid charges for most of her services. The training I have received has taught me that everything I think is not only correct and good, but it’s also psychic. I’m not only thinking stuff because I’m smart and cool but because I’m pulling light psychic energy into my body for guidance. You should get bangs! Trust me; I’m a certified psychic. This feels amazing. I get why these classes are so popular.
There’s also a section on seeing auras clairvoyantly. Again, this means staring at someone in dim lighting and seeing if a color comes to you. She explains how the aura colors align with chakras and that if someone has a glittery aura, they’re either in a state of life transition, downloading a divine lesson or divine transformation, or they’re “close to their physical death.” This helps illustrate the hilarious sitcom potential of psychic misunderstandings. Graduating high school looks the same as a gruesome death, or maybe nothing. I paid $75 to know this.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot– I learned how to time travel! A seven-minute video on remote viewing taught me that through remote viewing, you can visit Earth before humans walked on it. This is achieved by (you’re not going to believe this) staring at a candle again and (you’re also not going to believe this) imagining what it would be like to visit Earth before humans walked on it. I don’t know what ramifications this will have on history, but when I was there I looked around and saw a bunch of skateboarding dogs. It was Bulldogs shredding as far as the eyes could see; truly a magical time. At least a $75 value.
You might be thinking this can’t be all you learned in four hours of class, Lydia. Time travel? Death (or maybe a new job) predictions? Those limitless abilities can be learned in minutes. Don’t worry; I also learned a lot about the importance of potatoes. Astrid brought up potatoes a lot. A suspicious amount. Like, I think there was a group of farmers brainstorming ways to get rid of a potato surplus and one of them said, “Okay, ha ha, who’s the wise guy who put WITCHES on the board? I’ll go ahead and erase th– wait… could it… ? You know… it’s just crazy enough to work.”
Potatoes are so important to psychics because they come from the ground, you see, which is the earth. It’s important to ground yourself to the earth and not the spirit world after doing a lot of psychic readings by eating a potato. She mentions baked potatoes specifically once. No word on if french fries or hash browns will work to bind you to the earth, but the next time I down an entire large fry from McDonald’s, I’ll report on if I feel more connected to the earth or just gassy. It’s possible that those are the same thing. Or someone near me is about to die. Oh, these terrible powers!
Astrid’s deepest concern, which she repeats over and over again, is that her classes will make you too psychic. She’s that good! Her staring at a candle technique is so powerful it’s guaranteed to work. If it doesn’t, you’re definitely trying too hard…or you’re definitely not trying hard enough. It’s one of those two, she assures us. Buy potato, available at store.
The other safety precaution Astrid suggests is if you summon a spirit (by staring at a candle and thinking about them), you should always send them away at the end of the session. Otherwise, shirtless ghost hunks will be hanging out watching your post seance potato fest. Oh, these terrible powers.
There’s a long section of psychic trials where you can put your powers to work. This involves Astrid holding up an object you’re supposed to stare at, pause the video, and get impressions from. The objects included a necklace, a bracelet, and a crystal. The impression I got is that these are all things I would expect a psychic witch to own. If she’d pulled out a Maxim magazine or a Precious Moments figurine, I might not have known what to think, but all of these items seemed pretty standard to me.
I wrote down what I expected to get from Astrid’s class before I started so that I could check at the end and see if the course lived up to my expectations. What I expected was psychic powers. I pictured someone squinting at me on the computer screen for about three and a half hours, and then I would be psychic. What I got was a deeper appreciation for potatoes. It turns out that I’m not a very good psychic, but I am a very CERTIFIED psychic, and I think that’s what really matters.
