Author: Michael Swaim

Categories
UPSETTING DAY

Upsetting Day: Why Must I Destroy What I Simpsons?🌭

I’m going to be honest, I tried pretty hard not to make this an “Upsetting Day” column. Like any little sniveling weirdo, I hate being identified as such outright, and scuttle away from that appellation like coal workers fled post-WWII Appalachia. I also use big words and really esoteric references to ensure 80% of the HOTDOG audience doesn’t make it past the first paragraph. New paragraph!

When I pitched Sean and Robert what I’m calling “A Small Flight of Simpsons Weirdness” to tie into the launch of my own Simpsons video series on Cracked, I asked if they had anything to throw onto the pile before I got writing. Robert immediately responded with, “no I’m not aware of any upsetting Simpsons porn, sorry.” Couple that with a recent comment that said “Every Swaim column is an Upsetting Day,” and you can guess what I’m lying awake at night agonizing over instead of spending that time giving to my friends who’ve been impacted by the latest climate catastrophe, like some Grade-A Prick (pictured here for reference):

Michael (N.) – Grade-A Prick with a grade-C prick.

Refusing to be so easily pigeonholed, I set out to prove everyone wrong with a cute collection of kitschy Simpsons stuff we could all share a Munsonesque chuckle over. “HAWHaw!” we’d all say, delighted and not the least unsettled by a Japanese Homer robot that actually eats shorts, then craps them out into the hamper perfectly folded. Try as I might though, by the time the dust settled, the most innocent artifact I’d unearthed was straight hardcore live action Simpsons porn.

Talk about a couch gag!

#deepthroat #throatgoat #MargeILF #Ijustthinktheyreneat #awfulawfulhair

Hoist with my own weird, moist petard, I resolved myself to the grim task of pinching off a fresh plop of Upsetting Day for those of you brave enough to step behind the beaded curtain. Let us dig deep into yellow horror, as deep as Sting can dig. And lemme tell ya, Sting’s a good digger.

Bort talks back to Morge! ☠️ #morge #bort #simpsons #cursed #meme #memes #funny #fail by Soggy_Nugget

The problem with most cursed Simpsons stuff at this point is the market is flooded with people intentionally trying to cast a curse, and trying too hard. Here’s a textbook example – the words you can’t read are the lyrics to “A Whole New World.”

These are the kinds of Simpsons memes AI will probably start spitting out when the tech bros realize AI pizza delivery and AI emojis and AI headstones aren’t monetizing as well as they’d hoped. And indeed, our first example in this collection is riiight on the line. So watch yourself, nasally, blue-haired counselor!

You can tell the guys behind the “Bort and Morge” TikTok series are intentionally doing a meme, both because of the subtle “Bort” nod to those in the know, and because they hashtagged each episode with “meme” and “memes,” but also “fail,” which is to “meme” as “23-skidoo” is to “skibidi,” in that I don’t know what any of this means and I’m confused and scared (pictured here for reference):

Michael (N.) – Middle-aged man yelling at pre-cloud vapor condensate.

The vid I’ve chosen to highlight starts with Bart literally cooking up some drugs like the scamp he perennially is.

This upsets Morge, who bursts in wearing a homemade costume composed of blue paper, scotch tape, a green dress, pearls, a ping pong ball cut in half, some dots drawn on with a sharpie, and – perhaps most importantly for our purposes – an angry Australian(??) man shouting incoherently.

The two fall to arguing, which sounds like a beach full of sea lions at mating season, then Morge quite predictably punches her son’s face in and feasts on the goo inside, which looks to me like a mix of tomatoes and meat. For the Simpsons-unsavvy, “meat” is what Lisa doesn’t eat and “tomatoes” are half of a tomacco.

After extensive research, the only other things I can tell you about these dudes is that they call themselves “Soggy Nugget,” they have more YouTube subs than me, and their most popular video is a 3D scene of some Jabbawockeez #failing to drink a saucer of milk at you.

I think the great Ethan Gillespie summed it up best in the channel’s most recent comment when they said:

Drawing Mr. Burns from The Simpsons by Intrigue Me

If you’re like me, you might experience an engaging piece of art like that above and feel energized to try and make your own. But what if you don’t have drugs, or a friend, or a pan? One easy workaround is to get into the notoriously easy animation field – but first, you’ll need to be able to draw. And naturally, your first step toward drawing Simpsons characters is to draw what look like off-brand knockoffs of the Simpsons characters. Enter YouTube coach Intrigue Me.

Who knew Patty and Selma had a third sister, Also Selma But Not Quite? I bet Homer hates her fucking guts and for similar reasons. The unnamed host of all the Intrigue Me tutorial videos draws pretty much all the Simpsons regulars, but he didn’t always. Early on, he flailed around from subject to subject, seemingly unsure what sort of mediocre drawings people out there were desperate to replicate.

For a brief period, all of his videos were paid promotions for something called SCRIBIT, which is to “skibidi” as “rizz” is to “RIBBIT.” As far as I can tell, it’s a futuristic device for drawing the goatse image anywhere you want at Banksy sizes. Frogs, the reasoning goes, are attracted to the ‘RIBIT’ in ‘SCRIBIT,’ and can be easily captured as they leap floppily and ineffectually at the false gaping butthole drawn on the wall of your breakfast nook.

If you’re interested, you can buy your own SCRIBIT at that mall store, Wider Image. But what I’d like to refocus on are Intrigue Me’s Simpsons sketches, like this one of Mr. Burns.

It actually looks okay, but the real highlight is the endless urge our guy has to explain the show as he works, in the deadest terms possible. Here’s his relation of the classic Simpsons banger “Release the hounds!”

Dude, I love this. The next time I’m with friends I will absolutely be like “Remember that joke in The Simpsons where one of the titular family members, possibly Marge or Barney Simpson, strangles someone who has displeased them as a showing of their negative feelings toward the smaller person, resulting from what they had previously done with ill intent, the smaller human being called a child, I think it was Bart?” Incidentally, the opposite move also works; for instance I once recounted the whole of Homer’s The Odyssey with just a gif of Bender saying “I’m back, baby!”

The Simpsons couch gag by Lee Hardcastle

If the first drink in your Small Flight of Simpsons Weirdness was a shot of bourbon, and the second was a pickleback, our last entry would be the gasoline you siphon from a stranger’s car at dawn so you can drive home. Which sucks, because that means two out of three weren’t even drinks, really, and this metaphorical bar should be review-bombed immediately. But no amount of one-star reviews will save us from claymation animator Lee Hardcastle, whose mind is definitely in the running for “most likely to bring back the descriptor ‘twisted.’”

Lee mashes up The Simpsons with gruesome horror and crime flicks, which usually entails mashing up large amounts of Play-Doh too. Here’s his “parody” of You’re Next, in the sense that the rat-cleaned eye sockets of your dead loved one are a parody of the life that once resided there.

After watching Jimbo Jones cut her baby up with a machete, Marge gets scalped, wrestles a shotgun away from one of the bullies, and slaughters everyone in the room before dying herself. It’s so fucking disgusting the only thing I can think to compare it to is Shakespeare, the most lauded author in all of the English language. It’s that despicable.

Lee’s done a whole series of these, one of which mashes up a scene from Reservoir Dogs with the Pixies song from Fight Club, which I believe is how you summon Rick Sanchez. Highlights include Hans Moleman getting his head blown off at the tender age of thirty-one and Moe Szyslak doing his best impression of experimental torture-porn film Begotten.

Of course, Begotten is a meditation on the violence inherent in creation, endless cycle of decay, and existential threat humanity poses to the Earth that sustains us, whereas Lee’s video is kind of a downer. Also I’m not sure why they couldn’t make Marge hotter? Really pisses me off.

Until next time…

…I’ve been the Joker, babies.

Michael (V.) – The Joker.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: FancyShark, a bootleg Bart whispering in the night, ‘Eat my scream.’

Categories
LEARNING DAY

Learning Day: Baby Got Book (OFFICIAL) 🌭

As we trundle toward the end of another year, it’s more important than ever to convince your kids that an elderly flying man has broken into your home. But just as important, we also pause to recognize the REASON for the season – selling products. And, to a lesser extent, ruminating over the year’s bitter disappointments. There’s also a C-plot (sometimes called a “runner”) about Jesus in there.

Okay, that was a lot, so to recap:

  1. Lie to your children. You must make them believe your lies.
  2. This year I released a comic book, a fantasy/sci-fi novel, and a rap album. I think they are all worth your time or I wouldn’t have linked to them just now.
  3. Sales of each have been bitterly disappointing, but I don’t care because they were fun to make! There’s a lesson in there somewhere.

EDITOR’S NOTE:

When Swaim told us he wanted to promote his new rap album, we asked him to revisit the worst rap video ever created: Baby Got Book. We did this because we thought it would be interesting to have a talented performer who puts effort into his art litigate this cursed artifact with the eyes of an expert, and not because we’re jealous of Swaim’s multi-faceted portfolio and secretly hate him. It is not that second thing.

According to his website, Dan Smith is a “whiteboyDJ, Pastor, Rapper, Speaker, and All-Around Fungi.” Does it help to know he sometimes likes to spell it “Dan 5mith?” No, that makes it worse? Oh okay. In case you still need more identifying information, please note that Dan’s speaking has been heard at several events throughout the United States.

That should tip most of you off, but for the real dummies here’s the dead giveaway:

“Ohhhhhh, that Dan Smith!” Yeah dingus, welcome to the party. We’re talking Dan 4king 5mith, star of viral Xtian rap video “BABY GOT BOOK.” “B.G.B.” is the perennially cool way to honor the teachings of Christ at Christmastime, which you can tell because I spelled “Christian” with an ‘X.’ So break out your black nail polish and Not Of This World tech deck and do some sweet flick-flips as we revisit a classic yuletide banger!

By the way, if you finish this column and want to hear the full song in all His Glory (Hallowed Be His Beats), please make sure you’re watching the (OFFICIAL) version. It’s very important to both Dan and the Christ Child that no one rips off this unlicensed parody of one of the most famous songs of all time. If you did your own rap about, say, liking big socks? Dan’ll see you in court, asshole, and I’ll be the guy waiting outside with a tire iron and pantyhose over my head praise Jesus.

The video naturally kicks off with a riff on the iconic monologue that opens Mix-a-Lot’s original, but only three words into the proceedings we run into trouble. See, the usual way Becky’s friend tells Becky to look at the big-butted girl over there immediately includes the act of taking God’s name in vain…as in “Oh my God Becky, look at her butt.” Couldn’t you just feel the evil inherent in reading that sentence? For Dan’s purposes (not wanting to burn in Hellfire for eternity after he dies), this will not do.

Thus, our Hip Hop odyssey commences with the words “Oh my goodness,” dripping with judgment and said by a chinless woman to her Black friend who stopped by on a break between photoshoots for college admissions pamphlets. She accuses another woman of looking like “one of those preacher’s girlfriends,” who they “only talk to because she looks like Mother Teresa.” Here is a picture of the woman and a picture of Mother Teresa, but I’m not going to tell you which is which.

“It’s just so huge, it’s gross,” continues the lady I have dubbed Caitlin for obvious reasons. It turns out they’re marveling at the other girl’s big fat Bible and hate her for it, even though they are here in the same church as her and both holding Bibles. Hey, nothing says “Christianity” like finding another tiny degree of difference to gatekeep each other over!

What follows is an epic ode to big Bibles, girthy gospels, strapping scriptures, and some psalms that’ll take your head clean off if you’re not careful. It’s time for whiteboyDJ Dan 5mith…to do his thang.

It turns out Dan’s specific thang is lying sexily in a pile of Bibles like Lester Burnham contemplating statutory rape at his daughter’s basketball game.

Alternately, my man also spits rhymes from the safety of some huddled bookshelves, presumably also stacked with Bibles.

In case you’re wondering about that golden turd hanging off his neck, it’s supposed to be the letters “KJV” for “King James Version.” If you’re wondering why a rapper rapping about how he only likes big Bibles has so far surrounded himself solely with Bibles of reasonable dimension – hey, get fucked. Stuff this Bible down your soul; hope you choke on it.

Damn that’s a sizable Bibable! I bet four to six Sunday School kids had a really shitty afternoon assembling that sucker. If they were smart they Trojan Horsed it, and when Dan falls asleep they will emerge and butcher him for his crimes. Chief among those has to be this shot of Dan’s Mom (or should I say “m0m?”) licking her lips for Jesus and moaning “Me so holy!” into the lens.

In Hollywood, this is sometimes called “spiking camera” or “nightmare fuel.” I know it’s his real Mom, too, because the next line in the video is “Ooh Mama mia, you say you want koinonia?” This can be recognized by those in the know as an Italian way of saying “Ooh, my Mom,” followed by a string of nonsense no one has ever uttered anywhere ever. Go ahead, say “I want koinonia” aloud. Congratulations, you are the first person in history to say that.

I’m not going to publish the Baby’s Got Book (OFFICIAL) lyrics here in full, for I fear the wrath of both God and frivolous litigators. But suffice to say the guy likes big Bibles and doesn’t like small Bibles, and this is something about which he is incapable of lying. It’s Sesamean in its childlike simplicity, like Elmo misunderstanding the difference between small and far away. Frankly, there are moments in here we could use a little more of both.

At one point, Dan raps “I can’t understand how it is that some weenie / wants the Bible on CD!!” Since a digitized Bible is orders of magnitude larger than a physical one in terms of data storage capacity, we are left to assume that Dan doesn’t care what’s IN his ideal Bible or how many words or ideas it contains, just that it is literally, physically large. After all, his favorite Bible is a big wooden crate with not a single Jesus-word anywhere on or in it.

No one will ever convince me that this isn’t a screencap from an I Think You Should Leave sketch, and I’m the guy who embedded it in the article. Sam Richardson is just out of frame to the right, please don’t test me on this.

Smith is also very proud of the fact that there are a LOT of books in the Bible, like individually. After consulting with a handy chart and calculator, he concludes that there are sixty-six books of the Bible, a total with which “Stephen King’s resume just can’t compare.” And technically that’s true, since we’re just talking largeness and King has released sixty-five books, not sixty-six.

That is close though! I guess now it all comes down to who produces future books at a faster rate. King does write a lot, but the Bible is overdue for some sequels. Dan continues to dunk on lesser literature, sneering self-righteously as he tosses the works of Clancy and Grisham aside.

And, of course, because this was never about the teachings of Jesus but rather about grappling with simple size differences, he also angrily hurls a small Bible into the gutter.

Like, if you chanced by on the day this pastor was filming his Christian parody rap, you’d see him dashing a Bible to the ground in front of some beaver graffiti. You’d be all “that’s the word of God, you jerk!” and he’d be all “I know, I’m pro-Bible shitnuts!” and you’d have to drill down and get into a whole thing about it. Realizing this, one might again argue that whiteboyDJ D4n 5m1th is in essence struggling to wrap the mind of a child around the contentious and nuanced theological and ontological issues inherent to liturgical translation. A-men! Double up: A! Men!!

This is all to say, at some point in the video Dan’s rapper character takes a hard turn into Gump Forest, crashing the short bus and starting to act all (that word we don’t say anymore but used to in the early 2000’s and lately assholes seem to be trying to normalize it again on social media – you know the one, the Black Eyed Peas changed their song title and that marked the official switchover? That one. Look, I’ll just say it: dunderpate). The sudden shift pushes the featured actress into a caretaker role, instead of a sexpot one. She teaches Dan scripture from a picture-book, then claps condescendingly when he is able to apply a felt wise man with success.

At the exact same time, the video also includes shots that make it clear these two people eventually started getting flirty at Bible study…

… then got engaged at a subsequent, outdoor Bible study.

Wow lady, talk about some weird power dynamics in a relationship! This illiterate man-child just mastered felt, and you’re already locking that dick down? You two would be the most disturbing fictional couple I’ve ever encountered if I hadn’t already referenced Forrest Gump in this article. Of course, the unspoken reality here is that Dan himself starred, wrote, and directed the video, so ultimately the true power is his. Knowing that, what can we learn about what the Big Book-lovin’ man looks for in a wife? Our only major clue is the line “Baby got it goin’ on / like the wife in Proverbs thirty-one!”

For the uninitiated, Proverbs thirty-one describes an ideal wife, and most Christians encounter it as a cute sign like this one, usually wedged between an “Eat, Pray, Wine” and an “It’s Wine-O’Clock Somewhere!” These signs invariably paraphrase the original text the same way a school of piranhas paraphrases a cow carcass. It’s the equivalent of a pocket Bible that just reads “In the beginning…God…Noah…smite…Isaiah begat Mahershalalhashbaz…Jesus of Nazareth…third day…forgiven.”

Here’s all of Proverbs thirty-one, with a quick synopsis at the bottom if you’re in a hurry.

TL;DR – “Don’t get drunk around bitches. A slave you get to have sex with is cool though, if you can swing it. Fear helps.” – King Lemuel, crediting the hideous thought to his Mom to avoid having to own it himself.

But Dan 5mith and the future Mrs. 5mith aren’t hearin’ the haters, and that’s okay. Even if their coupling is sinful, they were Hellbound regardless, so why not go crazy with it? You see, Dan is left-handed, hence the very elegant custom ring he wears that says “5OUTHPAW.”

Left-handedness, of course, is still considered a sin by most leading Bible scholars and makes Dan’s redemption impossible. He will burn forever in Hell, which frees him to marry whoever he damn well pleases. All that matters to Dan is that they pack a big book and have a high tolerance for whiteboyDJ, a substance now considered toxic by the government and recently linked with a spate of birth defects in Appalachia.

That’s how you call him, incidentally, in case you want to call him. You actually only have to dial “READ – SAL,” but when he answers he asks what you dialed and if you admit you only dialed “READ – SAL” he gets very butthurt about it. He’s also not fond of you bringing up the time he tried to intimidate some Black kids and got rolled like a fucking chump.

These things naturally sting Dan’s pride, because Dan doesn’t consider himself just a parody or novelty rapper. He takes his work seriously. Although Baby Got Book (OFFICIAL) is what made him famous, don’t sleep on Haunted House or Dawg Pound. Both are terrible, and in a way that cannot be dismissed as unserious. Better yet, check out some of Dan’s deep cuts like “Lots of Caucasians” off of the album “The Caucasian Invasion” featuring his rap collective “The Patriarchs.”

FUCK.

I forget though…is Dan Smith actually white? Can we get official confirmation on that?

Check. Great, yeah, no, go back to parody. Parody is where you belong, sir.

Perfect, buddy! This is right at your level, I love it. You can’t tell, but I’m smiling and clapping condescendingly at you.

Right, of course! Why wouldn’t you parody a parody? That’s how you get the funniest stuff.

Okay, sarcasm over. What a fucking loser. Sorry, I can’t even keep the facade going now…four remixes? That well is dry man, move on. This shit is honestly pathetic to the point that I have to end the column now – that’s how much moist ick I’m sitting in.

Unrelatedly, if you liked this piece please find me over at CRACKED! I’m back working there again, making the same kinds of videos I did fifteen years ago and reviving all the old series you onced loved me for! So please do that! PLEASE. This is a call to action asking you to please do that. I will make more After Hours I will I swear. I’ll figure it out just please don’t forget about me for even a second or I start to disap

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Neil Schafer, who prefers a woman less Proverbs 31:25 and more Ezekiel 23:20

Categories
Hot Dog Appreciation Day

Best of 2024 – Swaim🌭

Happy holidays! We got you a gift. Don’t worry, you don’t have to get anything for us. We’ve picked the very best Hot Dog articles of 2024 and made them free. We did this because we are generous, because we understand the need for small measures of joy in these insane times, and because this is the only way we advertise. This is what we do instead of paying for auto-playing pop-ups featuring moaning hot dogs. You are our moaning hot dogs. The best way to help is to pick one of the free articles below (not this article – this is just the collection) and share it. If your victim enjoys the madness on display, point them to our patreon for support, or our free archives for a massive collection of hundreds of free articles updating weekly. That’s the gift you give to us. (It’s always a lie when somebody says you don’t have to get them anything. You should know that by now.)

Wake in Fright

Michael Swaim is our go-to guy for truly traumatizing cinema. He’s like the Bane of fucked up movies – he was born in them, molded by them, he didn’t see a good flick until he was already a man! And by then the only thing that could get him off was an Australian dirtbag slitting a kangaroo’s throat. Luckily that happens in this movie.

Baby Clothes for the Unhinged Maniac

Swaim is having a baby! He celebrates this fact by finding every actionable clothing crime committed against babies. He celebrates weird.

Word Chewing

You’ll hate this! If you have a hard time with second-hand embarrassment, clueless social media trends, or that strange cousin who ruins every family reunion, you will hate this. That’s a Hot Dog Guarantee!

Mr. Stitch

Mr. Stitch is not a good movie, but it does have Rutger Hauer tormenting Wil Wheaton in a void, and that’s basically all we ask of a film.

The Chuck E. Cheese Archives

Come learn more about Chuck E. Cheese than you could ever possibly know. All of it will be forgotten! Lost in time, like pizza in a ball pit.

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LEARNING DAY

Learning Day: A Brief History of Todd Time

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UPSETTING DAY

Upsetting Day: It Is Fine! Everything Is Fine!

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Categories
UPSETTING DAY

Upsetting Day: Baby Clothes for the Unhinged Maniac 🌭

For more than thirty-five years, I’ve always begun this column with the same words: “All joking aside.” This has traditionally been used as a facetious overture before laying satirically into the various causes celebre with which I take umbrage. It’s really quite funny, if you’re smart. If you don’t find that funny, there’s a good chance you are considered the dumb person in your area. But even you, your area’s dumbest person, must have it within you to imagine how serious I am when I throw aside three decades of tradition to say what I say to you now…all joking really aside, my partner and I are pregnant with our first child. Neither a bit, nor a government experiment, nor the culmination of a Romani curse, the human baby currently in a parasitic relationship with my wife will soon be among us. That’s going to happen. It’s too late to change that now. I asked.

In my own estimation and that of the state, the least I can do as its presumptive father is learn what I can of the proper feeding, clothing, schooling, and defenestration of the modern baby before its ejection from the womb. For example, a brief skim of the first parenting book in my collection – Oxford’s English Dictionary – informs me that I didn’t mean to say “defenestration,” and am probably confusing that word with a different one. Good. This is going great. Let’s reset.

Babies! Everybody loves babies. As you join me on a continuing journey of learning by doing and discovering by googling, my hope is to leave my joking days aside for good and all, and pick up instead the heavy mantle of the pater familias. My goodwife is presently nineteen handspans across and our local vet is busy hobbling horses until the spring thaw, so we’ve got some time yet. For an easy start on our road to fatherhood, where better to turn our attention than things sartorial? The kid will need clothes, that’s certain. Fortunately for me the internet has some, and all it took was a quick survey via the Shopping tab to educate myself on the subject. For example, did you know onesies can be worn by children even before age one? Or that pirates will not constantly attack your baby to try and steal their booties? That time in our history has long passed.

What seems to be hip these days, see, is –

uh, okay, haha. well jeez –

ew, do i have safesearch off? No, that’s not it. What if I –

wow

holy fuck

holy shit

I kind of don’t understand how the F.B.I. aren’t knocking on my door right now.

After further research, it looks like there are five main types of baby clothes available online, which I’m now going to present in order of how painful it will be for you to learn each category exists. Please treat this inventory not only as a crash course on clothing your baby, but also like your own personal episode of Hot Ones with implied pedophilia in place of wing sauce. Okay? Please do that. Here we fucking go.

Horror Level 1 – For the Memesters

Babies are essentially our attempt to project the best of ourselves further into the future, so it’s hardly surprising to learn that people like to get a little cheeky and slap pop culture references on their baby’s clothes. It’s a fun way of showcasing their own taste, and signaling the kind of cultural legacy they hope to pass on. It hardly matters if the baby “gets it;” in fact, that’s a part of the fun! Do you think this smiley boy understands the significance of combining Van Gogh’s Starry Night, Munch’s The Scream, and the killer from Scream into one painting? How can he? I don’t!

What I do understand is the reference below, uttered over thirty years ago in a film that child will absolutely never watch unless forced to, and the subtext of which is “hey, come over here and try to shoot me, let’s fight to the death with our guns, this statement is an open invitation to attackers.”

Another thing it is fun to mock babies for is their ignorance. Thanks to the toddler shirt below, we adults can share a good laugh about the fact that the baby wearing it obviously doesn’t remember that time RoboCop shot that dude in the dick. Hopefully they also forget that we dressed them like this, then stood around with our adult friends laughing at them.

Oh, and it says “dick” on it, too! That’s extra funny, because traditionally babies are supposed to be shielded from profanity. I wonder how far we could take that idea and still think it was very, very funny? This far?

Nope, too far! Let’s pull the lever in the opposite direction.

Oops, I pulled the lever in the same direction so hard that now it’s just spinning around and around! But in its defense, the intended joke of this shirt isn’t strictly that the toddler understands proper blowjob technique, merely that they can hang with dank memes enough to [child removed from the home by social services].

Horror Level 2 – For the Hipsters

Snobby baby clothes are just like meme baby clothes, but one notch worse because they require effort to understand. Prove your superior intellect by turning your baby into a puzzle that reveals the word “HORNY” if you stare at it long enough!

Now, strangers will stare at your baby for a long time and then go “Ohhhhh…horny,” and you and your kiddo can laugh and laugh as they receive swift mob justice. Come to think of it, this is a great way to punish anyone that solves the puzzle. Congratulations, your baby is the Lament Configuration.

This other toddler shirt from a completely different shop nevertheless utilizes the same puzzle design, which by its very nature encourages strangers to ask you things like “may I raise your baby’s shirt up a little, just to fold it up, just to see? I just want to see something.” In video game design this is referred to as “ludonarrative,” and is illegal in forty-six of the contiguous United States.

Or hey, maybe you just want strangers to photograph your baby’s chest? I can understand that. With this handy tee, anyone who points their phone at the fruits of your loin will be linked directly to the results page for a google search of the phrase “rock out with your cock out.” So, you know, if anyone takes a picture of your toddler and then starts to take their cock out, be careful – the rock music might wake the baby!

Horror Level 3 – For the Edgelords

That’s right, bitches. Not only have all the baby shirts up to this point not been explicitly trying to offend you, we’ve now reached levels of offensiveness so grimy that I’ve unconsciously transitioned from my intellectual comedy writing voice to the comedy writing voice I do where you can hear my real voice in your head saying the words as you read it. Dude, check this shit out.

You can tell it’s for girls because it’s pink! Here’s another one you can tell is for girls, because of the deep folkloric connections between elephants and fertility in both Hindu and Buddhist cultures.

Or perhaps I’m the one with his mind in the gutter. “Squirter” does seem like a pretty fucking wild thing to print on what you’re explicitly marketing as an “embarrassing” toddler shirt, but maybe the manufacturer means that the kid pees during diaper changes and embarrasses you. There’s still wiggle room here! Humanity could still be worth saving! Cue next shirt.

It’s cotton though you guys, at least there’s that. Not a single hair of synthetic fiber will rash up your poor kid’s skin as they suck titties, shit themselves, or take an important business call.

If you’re uncomfortable printing swears right directly on your kid, fret not! There are several other options that allow your child to theoretically maintain their innocence while still achieving your core goal of automatically telling every single person who looks at them to fuck off. Here’s a shirt that takes “flipping the bird” literally, and “the sanctity of childhood” lightly!

This of course opens us up to a whole range of visual puns, neatly circumventing social norms and allowing for even the most obscene aspects of our shared cultural lexicon to shine through. Think of your baby as just another social media feed – a place to post some funny images to let everyone know how funny you are.

Oh yeah. If I saw your baby wearing that shirt, I would immediately know exactly how funny you are. And there’s no limit to how much “get to know ya” information can be transmitted in shirt form! Thanks to fine outlets like Brisco Baby, your child’s shirt can indicate everything from where they just came from…

…to a bit about their cultural background…

…or even some of their favorite hobbies!

Naturally, true edgelord maniacs won’t want to stop at sexual innuendo when there’s a whole world of woke snowflakes to offend through the medium of child abuse. Why wrap your son or daughter in basic filth when you could be denigrating a whole civil rights movement at the same time?

The further down the unwell you go, the more the offensive toddler shirts do away with any semblance of design sense or wordplay until we finally reach the bottom, a thin stack of tiny black tees with big block letters spelling generically awful things presumably written by an A.I. that’s been fed the entire rotten.com forum archives.

And in case you’re sitting there thinking “well, that could just be a normal edgelord slogan aimed at adults and mistakenly printed on a tiny tee,” wrap your fractured mind around this shirt, clearly designed for a baby to wear by someone who understands at least the rudiments of how babies work (ie, they come from whores).

Please note that this particular shirt can be tricky to deploy, since it’s only at its most funny if you hold the baby facing a particular way. If you don’t, it’s less funny, but still quite funny.

Horror Level 4 – Don’t Molest My Kid!

Now, however, I’m afraid we’re moving past funny and into offensive. I know I’ve used the word “offensive” many times already, but what I’m about to show you redefines what offensive means to the degree that the “smells like sluts” shirt is, in retrospect, actually totally fine. Like, I would much rather clad my child in the sluts shirt than a shirt that invites people to, say, show them their butthole – however classily.

My concern, see, is that I’d end up in a situation where I’m telling a judge that someone showed my kid their butthole and the defense attorney pulls out a little vacuum baggie with this shirt in it marked “Exhibit A” and they drop the case. Fortunately for people like me, there are a number of toddler shirts that explicitly warn people away from their precious, developing junk.

See? You’re thinking of that boy’s scrotum now, but not of touching it. You’re thinking of not touching that little boy’s scrotum. Isn’t that a much nicer kind of way to be thinking about that boy’s scrotum? Sure it is.

Hell, the kid rocking this tee couldn’t be clearer! Their eighteen months on this earth have already taught them that life is one non-stop ass-reaming, so molesting them would just be overkill, ya dig? Stay away, stranger! Just maintain your distance and look at that teddy’s expression, for its dead eyes are the perfect avatar for the baby who’s seen it all, the jaded newborn already well aware that existence is one big diaper and we’re all the poopoocaca.

Horror Level 5 – Don’t Molest My Kid 😉

That was the end of the article. The title above this line is a misprint. You can click away now, or do one of your little comments, or call your congressman or exorcist, whatever you need. The rest of the stuff below here is not even content, in fact, but rather a handy device I invented to quickly ratchet up the level of disgust you are able to feel inside of you at one time. The more you scroll down, the worse it gets. Ready?!

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-

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-eeeeeeeeeeee’re so cooked.

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