Author: Robert Brockway

We all have our problems. I used to take SSRIs until one day I realized I could google “tactical + anything” and turn my mood completely around. 

Don’t abuse this. When your brain chemistry mutinies and you find yourself thinking “I’m not suicidal, but if I could be cryogenically frozen and then just never unthawed…” Well, then it’s time to google “tactical barbells,” expecting only bars with absurd grips and getting so much more. 

I’m serious. Save this for special occasions and use it in moderation. Just like ketamine and Chinese lithium mines, you might go in for a good time and give your entire life to that hole. There’s a very real danger that you’ll push this too far and start, say, Amazon searching subgenres of books for the word “tactical.”

You are rapidly approaching the point of no return. Instead of a quick joy-zap to kickstart the broken lawnmower that is your brain, you’re about to lose a whole week to the comedic failures of toxic masculinity. Here, let’s redirect. My other favorite trick is to browse wacky Occult and Paranormal Books – sort by least popular, of course!

Under no circumstances should you combine these tips-

Did you feel a little twinge behind your ear? That was your brain destroying part of itself to make room for what’s about to come. I’m serious. 5th grade Social Studies – try to remember it. Nothing, right? It’s gone. Me too, I now think the Magna Carta is an anime robot because my brain napalmed one full square inch of itself when it saw Tactical Pen Occultism.

This can’t be exactly what it sounds like. Tactical pen guys are the biggest dorks of the military wannabe set, and that’s the most hotly contested category of dork outside Web 3.0. And pretend battle sorcerers are the least respectable magicians, way behind filthy Alan Moore fuck wizards, really only holding one spot above erotic hypnotists. So this can’t exist, it’s too perfect. This book cover is the exact photoshop I’d make to mock a Scott Adams tweet, it can’t be real. 

It’s real.

Haha this is the worst start to a book I’ve ever seen and God’s Debris by Scott Adams starts like this-

S Rob was given a chance to thank anybody who helped him with this book, in life, or just ever, even in an abstract fashion. He looked around, saw nobody and nothing, then thanked make-believe sorcery for being so generous. 

Wait, there’s also a dedication-

So he does have family! Maybe? Are… his parents named S Rob, too? This is amazing. We are two total sentences into this book and already the madness is impenetrable. Imagine being given the opportunity to thank your parents and saying “I hope all me-names gain in power so they might multiply.” Like best case scenario he’s hoping his family gets Jamie Madrox mutations, worst case he’s wishing himself success in starting a breeder cult.

There’s no way this is real. Tactical Pen Occultism is too much to ask for from the universe. And if it is real, it can’t be exactly as crazy as it sounds-

That…

That is some prime madness.

The biblical references, the mass repetition, this is an actual crazy person. I cannot in good conscience write this article unless this lunatic is also an incompetent grifter, so if you’re reading this – good news! I got there eventually.

Let’s get back to the book:

Oh! It’s more of this.

S Rob wrote four sentences about trying to gaslight a demon into thinking it already likes you, then did a find/replace on its name. I don’t know where the tactical pen part comes into this. I can only imagine he’s standing naked in his room air-stabbing his bullies with a Bic while shouting that nonsense.

I didn’t have to imagine it.

So real magic is just listening to heavy metal lyrics while shadow-fighting your imaginary enemies with household objects? If I’d known that I would’ve called myself a sorcerer in middle school and never learned those painful lessons about hiding enough dork shit to fit into polite society. 

Let’s skip ahead-

Oh no, is this it? This book was only ever 57 pages long. It was technically a grift on the grounds of format alone. It can’t really be four sentences with slight variations for 57 straight pages-

It’s the kind of unhelpful boilerplate spell you’d get by searching ‘magic’ with ‘Creative Commons licenses only’ checked. And then 56 variations on who does that spell and where it’s pointed. Yes, this is the book. The same thing repeated for each god and each part of the body you wish you were courageous enough to attack with a pen. By page 56 we’re asking the ancient Egyptian god of medicine to do foot stuff. 

God it’s perfect, it is two lunatic premises and the funniest weapon combined with brazen Amazon book scams. It’s the perfect Hot Dog artifact. I think it’s word for word the mission statement we started the site with.

Nobody could ask for more than this but holy shit there’s more than this??

There’s…. SO MUCH more of this.

S Rob is the Holy Grail. An internet tough guy magic maniac and sad Amazon grifter with a more prolific output than some entire languages. There are more S Rob books about mystical stabbings than there are Croatian language books about anything. 

This is already too much to ask for.

Let’s ask for more. 

Let’s… let’s click on his author bio. There’s no way it’s that easy. I have a lot of experience going dumpster diving in pop culture, and it’s always work to find the true gems. Every catalytic converter is buried beneath six loose diapers and a broken Furby stuck in attack mode. Nothing is easy, nobody ever looks inside themselves and says “yes, if you’d like to know all the other ways I’m hilariously deranged, just go here!” 

Except S Rob.

He just lists them. I’ve trained my whole life for this. I’m ready to track pseudonyms, delve into court records, hit the dark web to trade horse drugs for old screenshots from dead homepages and he just… lists them.

Right there in the Amazon author bio, he gives us his own webpage, his YouTube channel, his hold on IMDB credits?? His IMDB credits.

Ancient Alien Birdmen! (Short)!

When Dog Headed Men Attack! (Fucking Documentary Short)!

It’s like a broken SEO bot trying to warn the future about societal collapse. Magnificent.

This man’s very existence is doing me a personal favor. All of my instincts had me ready to deep stalk his life to find meager scraps of madness scattered across deleted social media accounts and he just, he just gave it all to me. I need to start a religion just so I can saint him. 

Well, he didn’t give it all. I guess, I guess I had to dig a little bit to find the Lulu account where he sells many, many, many other books about using pretend magic to do everything from conjuring chocolate to cheating a leprechaun, you can be a superhero, you can- 

What-what the fuck?

Dog-Headed Men again? That wasn’t a fluke? In a sea of inexplicability, I still managed to dash myself on the rocks of true insanity. I can’t even fathom what Dog-Headed Men Magick might be. I’m picturing a Final Fantasy-style summon that beckons the Dog Police. 

So that’s what this article is about now. I know it was about Goofy Tactical Products and then Tactical Occult Pen Battle Tactics and then, briefly, it was going to be about Ancient Alien Birdmen. God, remember when it was just about Ancient Alien Birdmen? What an innocent time that was, four paragraphs ago. But it’s this now, the article has to be about whatever the fuck Dog-Headed Men Magick is – unless I click over to one of these other tabs and find out it’s really about S Rob’s webstore where he sells freelance dick ensorcellment.

I can’t believe I caught ADHD from this article. I never realized it was contagious, much less self-inflicted.  

S Rob is truly a one-stop shop for bush wizardry, he’s like the Dollar General of mystic conmen – you can buy a wack version of anything, from the devil’s war-pen to a bigger cock and the sexy naked ghost to use it on. He’s a prolific grifter-shaman, which is my favorite type of liar mixed with my favorite type of drug addict.

But there’s something here I don’t understand. Like… beyond the several levels of incomprehension I’ve Inception-ed myself into already. On his website, S Rob also seems to sell DVDs of old movies that have nothing to do with him.

Let’s read that closer: “S Rob performs a ritual to manifest the films?” 

Is he selling these DVDs and just no longer has the language to explain that in a normal way? In the same way he would explain staying at home Friday nights to masturbate to Disney feet as “invite the Goofy to step through the gateway MAKE UP AND DOWN GROIN ATTACKING MOTION LIKE THIS”? 

Or is this a ritual to bring the movies to life, assuming somebody has always wanted to live in the lush universe of The Killer Shrews? 

Or is this a spell for YOU to follow along and manifest the physical DVDs in your living room, because the Wal-Mart bargain bin is all the way in the back of the store and you personally broke all the mobility scooters trying to turbo charge them with pen magic?

Are you paying to watch footage of S Rob doing a spell to create Attack of the Giant Leeches DVDs in his own room, or wait! It’s a spell to make the movies exist backwards through time and the fact that they do exist is proof it works! That has to be it. 

I guess he could just be using the framework of amateur magic to slip through some sort of copyright loophole, which holy shit, we’ve come so far that sounds like the boring answer.  

Good lord we haven’t even gotten to the YouTube channel.

Thank god, thank god he wears those sunglasses all the time. He looks like the Butterball Cenobite back when it was alive. And I’m so grateful for him cataloging every second of his existence. Look at that army of clones all trying to explain The Matrix to a frightened gym receptionist. Print that screenshot out, tack it to a circle and spin it: You just made an incel zoetrope.

There’s an entire series called S Rob Doorway where he just reviews books in a doorway, which is a quainter kind of crazy. But his editorial videos are a bit spicier, like “KILL WITH MAGIC” where he argues that because nobody believes magic is real, it’s legal to murder with it. 

That means we could – nay, must! – use internet spells to supernaturally execute pedophiles. Which he calls pedia-philes. I don’t know enough about regional British accents to know if that’s how they pronounce it. I feel like it’s not, but after what they did to “aluminium” I’m not willing to put money on that. Sure fucks with the YouTube captions though, which think this man is advocating for the psychic slaughter of baby doctors because nobody closed the UK wizard loophole. 

And we haven’t even gotten to the movie!

HE.

MADE.

A.

MOVIE.

This article is literally going to go on forever. I’m just going to keep typing and hit post whenever I pass out, then wake up tomorrow and do it all over again because I’ll never reach the end of it. This is our eternal dance, S Rob creates the madness and I mock it and he has a 50 year head start. But every race starts with one step- 

Hold on.

I see it now. This is a trap. This is too much. At every turn my wildest wishes have been granted with no resistance. This is one of those police scams where they promise bail jumpers a free boat and arrest anyone dumb enough to show up. Well I don’t believe your free hedge warlock, you fucking arcane narcs – you’ll never catch me!