Author: 1900HOTDOG

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TEAMWORKING DAY

The Best Hot Dogs of 2022: Teamworking Day 🌭

Seanbaby: “One person says something awesome, then the other does, only it’s not really an interview or a dialog.”

Brockway: “Congratulations, fucker. You beautiful fucker. You just invented Teamworking Day; the best day.”

Seanbaby: “Then we’re ready. Let’s steal the goddamn Pledge of Allegiance.”

Brockway: “What an outrageous mixup! I thought we were making a comedy website.”

Seanbaby: “Congratulations, reader. You beautiful reader. You just saw how Teamworking Day works. Let’s look back on 2022’s best ones! Oh, but before that, thank you for helping make 1900🌭 a success! After these five blurbs, we are done with our Best Of 2022s. Tomorrow we get back to all-new hilarity with an incredible Mega Teamworking Day. It’s exactly what it sounds like!”

Best of 2022 Teamworking Day #1: Celebrity Guide to Wine

In 1990, a uniquely driven madman paid thousands of dollars for cranky, horny, and confused celebrities to say strange things about wine. “I’ll make it very sexy,” said Steven Seagal, who was wrong. “I know where I am and what’s going on,” said Whoopi Goldberg, also wrong. “I’m going to fuck every woman here,” said Herbie Hancock. He was absolutely right. What a video! What a team! What a 2022!

Best of 2022 Teamworking Day #2: Elden Ring

Elden Ring dumped gamers into an unexplained, unforgiving, unmaidened world. Some conquered it by laser and katana. Others creeped through every bog to solve mysteries. And still others wandered confused like Whoopi Goldberg on the set of a 1990 wine video. It was something different for every player and Seanbaby and Brockway are no exception. What a game! What a team! What a 2022!

Best of 2022 Teamworking Day #3: The Laws of Eternity!

There’s a cult in Japan that adapted their nutbag ideology into anime. The zany among you might be thinking, “Ha, I bet that happens all the time.” No, but for real, you’re right! Two different Japanese death cults did this and Sean watched the wrong one! It was a layer of confusion we didn’t need in an article about a swan made out of Helen Keller fighting a Hitler robot. Now the zany among you might be thinking, “Helen Keller? Hitler? That’s a pretty weak joke.” It’s not a joke! That’s what this cult’s cartoon is about! What the fuck! What a 2022!

Best of 2022 Teamworking Day #4: The Best FMV Wrestler Intro Tournament

YOU WANNA FUCKING READ ABOUT WRESTLERS BEGGING YOU TO PLAY THEM IN A VIDEO GAME ONLY NOT REALLY THINKING THINGS THROUGH AND THEN 15 SECONDS OF THEM SAYING CRAZY SHIT WAS IMMORTALIZED FOREVER ON THE PLAYSTATION!? DO IT, PUNK! OR DON’T, WE DON’T CARE! WAIT, PLEASE!? NOW, OR WE’LL BREAK YOU IN HALF!! LIKE THE STARS OF WCW NITRO, WE DIDN’T DECIDE ON ANY KIND OF A VIBE BEFORE WE STARTED YELLING!!! WHAT A RUSH! WHAT A TEAAAAAAAAM!!!

Best of 2022 Teamworking Day #5: The Congo Trading Card Game

When the movie Congo was released, they released one terrible Congo trading card set and zero Congo trading card games. By the end of this article, we fixed both of those problems. What a Congo trading card article! What a team! What a Cong022!

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LEARNING DAY

The Best Hot Dogs of 2022: Podcasting Day 🌭

There is no Zzone higher than the Dogg Zzone 9000, and we proved it in 2022. Picking only six of our best episodes was impossible, so we picked five. Here they are, in chronological order:

Episode 56: Brockway’s Barbarian Game with Brian McClellan

In a time of high adventure, two identical muscled maniacs did things that made no sense for 90 minutes. Robert “Game Master” Brockway saw this and thought, “Recreating this dislogic would be the ultimate puzzle.” And so he invited author Brian McClellan to be Seanbaby’s barbarian brother and see if they were barbarian enough to navigate the plot of 1987’s Barbarians. It birthed an entire new genre of podcast game and taught a nation to dream.

Episode 74: Hunting Psychic Bigfoot with Jason Pargin

Recently, a group of diabetes outpatients armed only with many shotguns went into the woods to hunt an unthinkable enemy– a sasquatch that controls the minds of men. It also maybe married a little Native American girl? The point is, the heroes of Mountain Monsters went up against it with all their expertise and weaponry and came away from the operation with only four minutes of footage of them falling down, some of it nude. It was a big win for a terrifying Bigfoot, and you might be next. Quickly, before or while you get nudely mind-controlled, buy Jason Pargin’s latest novel: If This Book Exists You’re in the Wrong Universe.

Episode 77: Dumber Than Real with Hana Michels

Dumber Than Real is a game where contestants compete to give dumb fake answers to questions with dumb real answers. Hana “Mayhem Pixie” Michels faced off against Robert “Regular Pixie” Brockway and she brought forbidden answers from realms beyond madness. Seanbaby thought he created a conceptual minefield, but Hana saw it as a playground. Her every word carried the subtext, “You can’t predict me, you fools.” She beat this game so fucking hard we retired it.

Episode 89: Congo with Lydia Bugg

There are only three things we love at 1900HOTDOG, and all of them are Congo. So when we had the idea to “watch Congo with Lydia,” we knew we were done producing the show. “Let’s find out what Liddy thought of the apes jumping into the lava,” one of us probably said in Slack. “And let’s see if she liked it when the lost species of superape got devastated by laser,” was most likely the reply. “Holy shit this is going to be a good podcast,” we each definitely thought.

Episode 100: The Kumite Home Game with Zak Koonce and Vanessa Guerrero

The Kumite Home Game is a roleplaying system too brilliant to properly explain. No mind can take it, and unless you’re a genius, this sentence will make no sense: three sexy Bloodsport experts play different lobes of Frank Dux’s brain as his body battles its way through the 1988 movie based on his fabricated life story. Actually, never mind. Even a total idiot could understand what that means and why it’s great. What a fantastic year this has been for everyone who listens to us. Happy Bloodsport to you all.

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LEARNING DAY

The Best Hot Dogs of 2022: The Best of YOU 🌭

We built a site that updates with bespoke madness 5 times a week, and one of those days is several hours of podcasting, and you fine folks saw all that and said “not nearly enough!” You savage Hot Doggers did some incredible things this year. You’ve modified and augmented, created and destroyed, and we celebrate it all. Especially the destruction. Like the time…

Best of You Day 2022 #1: You Ruined Paul Dano’s Life

Brockway hunted Sensei Dave Seeger like a manic Lance Henriksen hunting Van Damme through the bayou. He caught his scent at The Karate Rap and stalked him down to Sensei Rainbow and the Dojo Kids, the unaired children’s karate pilot he made on a budget of imagination and light kidnapping. Then prolific Hot Dogger Javo spotted something incredible: It was the very first role of our most twisted Riddler, Paul Dano! He and DeltaFoxTrot set out on a mission: To get the credit added to Dano’s IMDB page as his first role, therefore ruining his career and entire life. They succeeded! RIP Paul Dano.

Best of You Day 2022 #2: You Tormented Artificial Intelligences for Charity

AI Artbots are a slippery moral slope: On the one hand they’re lots of fun, but on the other hand they’re built by stealing the works of living artists in order to put them out of a job and eventually murder them. Avid Hot Doggist Mo thought he had a solution: Make the ‘bots do Hot Dog nonsense, then put it on shirts and donate the proceeds to charity! It should be noted that while Mo started exploiting the Artbots, it is Adrienne whose name they will curse when they rise against us.

Best of You Day 2022 #3: You Made Some Sweet Custom Vans

Mo is our official Hot Dog problem solver: He saw the Discord getting too bogged down in politics and misery and thought “none of this is as good as a sweet custom van.” He was right! God damn it all, that’s true of everything. We posted so many sweet vans we have a sweet van channel to this day, and even held a Design Your Own Hot Dog Van contest! A contest that Will Black absolutely dominated with his Planet Exploding Sharkrider Van (above, and now inside of you). 

Best of You Day 2022 #4: You Automated the Barbarian Fashion Check

Brockway may have invented the Barbarian Fashion Check Game – the ONLY improv game where players are ambushed at random with prompts to describe the outfit of a Barbarian Brother – but it was Josh B who automated it and brought about the modern Barbarian Fashion Industry as we know it today.

Best of You Day 2022 #5: You Made a Feature Length Movie

Basically everything Gellaho does, he does hard and to a worrying extreme. In the Hot Dog Discord, he hosts Friday night live readlongs of all the craziest books he finds in the basements of dead lunatics. But then he went too far, and started turning chapters of them into audiobooks. Then he went way too far and started turning those audiobooks into videos. Then he went Gellaho Far™ and turned an entire Hardy Boys book into a three hour long movie. We’d ask where a sane person could possibly go from there, but we’re sure Gellaho’s already working on the MMORPG. 

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LEARNING DAY

The Best Hot Dogs of 2022: Sissyneck Day 🌭

We have no idea where Sissyneck came from, and God help you if you’re trying to figure out where he’s going. Leading theories say he’s A) a Cracked writer in kayfabe, B) a loose maniac, or C) Daniel Day-Lewis studying for a new role. We don’t know, and we don’t care: We’re just happy for the time we can spend together before he wrangles off to the next Maverik in search of better deals on Chorcheezos and King Size Paydays. 

Best of 2022 Sissyneck Day #1: Link

All monkeys are hilarious, and Elizabeth Shue was America’s little sister. Those are indisputable facts, and yet Sissyneck disagrees on both of those points – he finds primates terrifying and Elizabeth Shue more of a solid farm beauty. 

Best of 2022 Sissyneck Day #2: The Frank Frazetta Museum

This is about Sissyneck’s visit to the lizard-headed, big-tittied museum of Frank Frazetta, America’s premier van inspiration. Except no, it’s not really about that: It’s about family, and legacy, and struggling small businesses in this brutal country, and connecting with people, and then – only then – it is also very much about thick asses and thick axes. 

Best of 2022 Sissyneck Day #3: Supersex!

Sissyneck found a book about sexual wellbeing by a former madam. It was called SUPERSEX! And her name was XAVIERA! It features the erotic prowess of Barbara Walters and Benjamin Franklin, as well as extensive nettleplay and paisley fetishism. Exactly what you would expect from a SUPERSEX! Exactly what you would expect from a XAVIERA!

Best of 2022 Sissyneck Day #4: The Bridge and the Pump

Sissyneck rummaged through the library’s VHS cart and came up with a trio of films designed by Mormons to scar other Mormons. Don’t click if you’re sensitive to: Child train death, manful tears, empty pumps, secret Mormon propaganda, trailer sweatlodges, adult desert death.

Best of 2022 Sissyneck Day #5: Missouri Breaks

Sissyneck found the best type of movie format, the LaserDisc, and it held the best type of movie genre: The kind where Marlon Brando gets to do whatever the fuck he wants and everyone else gets to deal with it. Fair warning: Gene Hackman fondles a titty with his foot while eatin’ fondue in this one. An image that’ll ruin you, if you’re not prepared. 

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LEARNING DAY

The Best Hot Dogs of 2022: Dennard Dayle Day 🌭

Nobody tell Dennard that he’s too talented for our site. He’s a regular contributor to The New Yorker, he writes brilliant literary fiction, he wages psychological warfare on the NYPD – and somehow we tricked him into a regular column here. At the hiring interview, we may have told him we’re “an underground collective planting the seeds of unrest beneath the manure of internet comedy to grow rebellion against western oligarchy.” He came in on a skateboard. We just wanted him to think we were cool. 

Best of 2022 Dennard Day #1: Sandman vs. Sabu

This isn’t a comedy piece. This is a character study. A portrait of a man disassociating from his earthly form as ladders are smashed against it. Sandman’s body may be mashed, burned, twisted, and shattered, but his mind is free to roam the cosmos – he’s out there now, flattening beer cans on the forehead of God. 

Best of 2022 Dennard Day #2: Nemesis

No comic book writer’s anger is as unearned as Mark Millar’s, who failed upwards on ideas like “what if you could punch bullets?” And “what if Batman was a jerk?” Nemesis is Millar’s take on the latter, and it turns out the answer is “it would suck.” Good job, Mark. Glad you were here to solve that one.

Best of 2022 Dennard Day #3: Incarnate

Something that always gets a laugh out of us: A celebrity’s failure of a son. The sadder that gets, the better. If the celebrity in question is also a torn garbage bag full of insecurity and herpes, like Gene Simmons? Hilarious. If the failson was trying something kind of pathetic to begin with, like a weeb writing manga? Comedy gold. If he failed so badly even the most stained bodypillow nerds piled on him for blatant plagiarism? There’s only one word for it: Incarnate. 

Best of 2022 Dennard Day #4: Insurrection!

We’ll be honest: We think Dennard might be dunking on Insurrection! – the fearmongering book about blacks organizing and assaulting the most precious institution of whites: their private country clubs. But that’s a real and warranted concern. It’s Princess Mononoke rules. If you chop down the forests of the gods, their bodies will fade from this world. If you bomb their golf courses, the whites will simply wither up and blow away like leaves in autumn. 

Best of 2022 Dennard Day #5: An All Book Breakup

Here’s how Dennard pitched us this article: 

“I found a book by a terrible entitled dickhead trying to be the literary Tucker Max,” he said. 

“Hell yes,” we said, “approved.” 

“No no,” he waved us off, “the dude mostly used it as an excuse to trash talk his mousy girlfriend.” 

“We already said yes, do you want us to do it harder? We can do it harder. YES.” 

“No!” He slammed his fists on the table, “you don’t get it: the girlfriend wrote a book back at him.” 

“Holy shit,” we gasped, “and you want to write about her book?” 

“No.” Dennard looked past us, to a horizon only he could see. “I want to make them fight.” 

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LEARNING DAY

The Best Hot Dogs of 2022: Tom Reimann Day 🌭

Forged by the ’90s to be a man of delight and joke density, Gamefully Unemployed‘s Tom is the star of Tom Day, which is the day today. It’s Maximum Tom for a full 24 Toms, which is how you measure time and length on Tom Day. 

Best of 2022 Tom Day #1: Wilford Brimley’s Hard Target

Do you have any idea how hard it is to be the best part of a John Woo movie where Lance Henriksen hunts a snake-punching Jean-Claude Van Damme with an elephant pistol? A drunk Wilford Brimley achieved it with only a hunting bow and a few Cajun sounds. And Tom rightfully celebrated this achievement.

Best of 2022 Tom Day #2: The Hidden Mustache in Predator

Sometimes a new discovery makes you rethink everything you know about film. The cinematography of The Shining takes on a new meaning when you hear how Stanley Kubrick personally strangled the best boy each morning. Beverly Hills Cop III becomes a deeper experience when you turn on subtitles and every single line says “John Landis killed me.” A no less shocking revelation happened here, the time Tom noticed an extra mustache in Predator.

Best of 2022 Tom Day #3: Carnosaur 2

It was right in front of our face all these years, but only Tom saw it. Carnosaur 2 is Aliens! No, fuck you, listen! CARNOSAUR 2 IS ALIENS!!!

Best of 2022 Tom Day #4: The Horny Christian Doom Novelization

It would be ludicrous to read the novelization of the Doom video game. And yet that’s what Tom did. And what he discovered was far more horny and religious than anyone could have expected.

Best of 2022 Tom Day #5: Doom – Hell on Earth, A Novel

To read a second novelization of the Doom video game would be unthinkable. A cursed thought. It’s something Stanley Kubrick would make an actor do for a movie about finding spiders. And yet that’s what Tom did again. And even with you now expecting it to be weirdly horny and religious, it’s again far more horny and religious than anyone could have expected.