Author: 1900HOTDOG

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LEARNING DAY

The Best Hot Dogs of 2022: Alex Schmidt Day 🌭

Alex Schmidt, who is professionally a Schmitdy, is the smartest and kindest part of this site about finding and being cruel to extremely stupid things. We told him the thesis of 1900HOTDOG and he said “oh no, not that! But what about…. This?”

And then he presented us with a three-ring binder cross-indexing historical failures with headshots of Pierce Brosnan. 

He was hired on the spot.

Best of 2022 Schmidty Day #1: The Great Grapefruit CONK

Schmidty loves baseball, history, aerial pranks, and melons. This article about an old-timey baseball team using a grapefruit to trick their manager into believing that his head exploded has it all! 

Now if Schmidty were writing this, he’d tell you a grapefruit is a citrus, not a melon, because it grows on trees instead of vines. But he’s not. He’s not writing this, you’re stuck with us, and now you’ll never know that.

Best of 2022 Schmidty Day #2: Pedestrianism

Pedestrianism was the sport of walking, and… oh, that’s it? We just assumed there was a second thing, but no. Walking was enough back in the day, and walking lit the world on fire. Come learn about the high stakes sport of moving a foot after a foot, and the drunken kings who ruled it.

Best of 2022 Schmidty Day #3: The King’s Daughter

True story: Every time Schmidty pitches us an article about a Pierce Brosnan movie, we say “are you sure? Because that sounds boring.” Every time! And every time he laughs and says “trust me,” then comes back with something about defrauding China and banging mermaids.

Best of 2022 Schmidty Day #4: Live Wire

Schmidty loves Pierce Brosnan for reasons we don’t understand. Oh, it’s not his smoldering gaze or buttery accent. We understand those. Schmidty loves Pierce Brosnan because of how hard he wanted to be Bond, and all the terrible, embarrassing things he did to prove he could handle it. We’ll never understand loving Pierce Brosnan for that, because Roger Moore will always be the most hilariously tragic bond in our hearts.

Best of 2022 Schmidty Day #5: Death Train

“Choo choo!” Pierce Brosnan does not say in this movie, “all aboard the Death Train! Next stop… death!” 

At no point does he quip “I’m not the conductor; I just punch the tickets,” before putting a bullet in a terrorist’s brain. 

He never pumps his arms while going “chugga chugga chugga chugga” and then uses the momentum to punch a mercenary in the neck.

The whole film seems like a waste to us, but not Schmidty – he’s captivated by the way Pierce Brosnan seems to be working through his grief over the death of his wife by doing shitty B-Movies. 

…

“You’re about to get railed,” he never says to his love interest!

Categories
LEARNING DAY

The Best Hot Dogs of 2022: Brendan McGinley Day 🌭

As a monthly 1900🌭 columnist, Brendan has all the responsibilities standard to the position: protecting his part of the scepter and no second thing. However, as is his right as Scepter Keeper, he goes far beyond these duties. A normal email from Brendan will be “Almost done with the column; I just have 17 more books to read and need to complete a six month hairdresser training program for a joke about feathered bangs.” You’ll see what we mean:

Best of 2022 Brendan Day #1: Nash

Nash is a comic based on who wrestler Kevin Nash would be if reality took place in the imagination of a horny middle schooler with the 1999 turned up to maximum. Brendan explored this radical, erotic artifact, and the wrote and illustrated an eight page sequel. Like, as a bonus. It’s insane.

Best of 2022 Brendan Day #2: Baby Boxing

When we heard Brendan’s pitch for Baby Boxing, we were worried. Did our grandparents really watch toddlers battle? On hospital paperwork, is this what parents agree to when they check the box “I hereby consent to the rite of proving”? The point is, it didn’t sound right. And building a machine for sending messages back through time in order to form a baby boxing league is exactly the kind of thing Brendan would do for an article.

Best of 2022 Brendan Day #3: The O’Reilly Factor For Kids

Bill O’Reilly is a cranky idiot with a lot of suspicious excuses for why he’s not technically racist and an even more suspicious number of documented sex crimes. This book is all that and more, For Kids.

Best of 2022 Brendan Day #4: Red Shoe Diaries: “Kidnap”

Okay, so Red Shoe Diaries was a show about a guy hearing sex stories, and then telling them to you. So by the time you saw them they third-hand sex stories with the non-sex parts elaborately recreated. Maybe? What we’re asking is: do you like horny cowboys with just a touch of side boob and abduction? Come see what 1992 television owners had to sit through in order to masturbate.

Best of 2022 Brendan Day #5: City Dragon

When you write, direct, and star in your own movie you can be anything you want. Fuckmaster. Nunchuckmaster. Rapmaster. “Philthy” Phil Phillips cannot tell the difference between awesome and hilarious and he’s right. Every person who isn’t “Philthy” Phil Phillips completely blew it, and Brendan makes that clear.

Categories
LEARNING DAY

The Best Hot Dogs of 2022: Lydia Bugg Day! 🌭

Lydia Bugg, who was first among columnists and if the words of that dying warlock are to be trusted, she will be the last. Lydia came to us with expertise in obscure comic books and romance novels, and she’ll leave with a black belt in psychic scams and clown mouths. Who the fuck will stop her then? Not that warlock she killed, that’s for sure. 

Best of 2022 Lydia Day #1: Is Your Pet Psychic?

Most psychic grifters want the spotlight as much as they want the money. They’re the chosen ones, and only they can open your blocked chakras, foretell your impending disasters, or crash the Californian banking system with dream warfare. Lydia found the one pure and altruistic maniac who thinks your fat dog Chuckles is the true chosen one. This article is dedicated to Ken Ring, who is possibly some kind of domestic hog. 

Best of 2022 Lydia Day #2: Cooking with Garfield

You never know which article is going to fundamentally shift the entire Hot Dog mythos. Lydia set out to mock lazy cookbook authors hiding their shame behind a cartoon cat, and she found Nathan Mazri – cartoon-themed popup restauranteur and celibate antivax crypto scammer. Those are just the words we could fit into that sentence, here are more: He found his fursona in this article and it’s Dollar Store hustler Garfield. 

Best of 2022 Lydia Day #3: Unofficial 

Steve Buscemi 

Merchandise 

Review

It’s Lydia Bugg’s

unofficial 

Steve Buscemi

merchandise 

review!

Sorry, we have to do that. Look what happens when we put all the words together on the same line-

It must be unicode or something.

Best of 2022 Lydia Day #4: Bokee’s Trek

Some writers would find a Tennessee Hobbit knock-off resort and think “that’s enough meat for an article.” Some would unearth the failed politician’s failure of a son behind it all and think “this will make my career.” Only Lydia would find the failed politician’s failure of a son’s insane book of IP theft explaining the fantasy lore behind the resort, and then mock its bestiary. In journalism terms, that’s called “Hot Dogging a story’s mouth hole.” Hey speaking of-

Best of 2022 Lydia Day #5: Adult Clown Mouth

LYDIA.

         B̷̦̽U̸̝̐G̸͓̎G̸͖̍’̷͎̇ṣ̵̆

  Ã̶͚̳͊D̶̢̄Ų̸͚́L̴̬̍T̶͎̾͑

                          ̷̣͎̂ ̴͔̙̯̀̓̂ ̸̢̖͊C̶̘͌͒͘L̷̺̝̐̃̐͜Ő̸̩̭W̷̺͊̕Ñ̵͍͚̪.̴̻͙̓͠

M̵̞̩͍̿̊̎͘O̵̟̼̞͗͗͗̾U̷̫͗̋T̴͈͔͙̝̈́̉́̌H̶̯̝̙͐̾̄ͅ

                R̷̨̞̖͒͐͒̅͊Ȇ̸̢͓̠̠̈V̵̠̟̱̀͒̍̀͘Ȉ̸̳̯̒͛Ę̵̤̊͐͌͛W̴̨̖̰̅̔

That fucking warlock was right.

Categories
UPSETTING DAY

The Best Hot Dogs of 2022: Upsetting Day 🌭

With our combined decades of online publishing experience, we know most people don’t read article intros, especially when the concept is something as simple as “Here are some great 2022 articles.” Which makes this the perfect place to confess this: I am the Upsetting Day Carver. Happy Holidays from me and all of this flesh.

Best of 2022 Upsetting Day #1: Martial Signing by Seanbaby

Sensei Matt was awarded a black belt by a man who taught his students how to “knock people out” with imaginary Karate forces. Sensei Matt then translated this style of Karate into Deaf, and no matter what you think that means, it’s exactly what you’re picturing. There’s nothing like Martial Signing. Nothing.

Best of 2022 Upsetting Day #2: S Rob Magic by Brockway

By entering ridiculous and debunked nonsense into a search engine, Brockway discovered S Rob Magic, a man doing the same thing in reverse. He is a man built entirely out of ridiculous and debunked nonsense. He is a tactical ballpoint pen sorcerer. He grows penises and wealth with demon magic. And none of these are spoilers because there are 370 more twists in this article.

Best of 2022 Upsetting Day #3: Michael Jackson Speaks from Heaven by Lydia Bugg

You’re not going to believe this, but the ghost of Michael Jackson said some very confusing things to a troubled author in a Burger King. “I guess I was sort of murdered, but don’t worry about it,” said the dead King of Pop. Click here to read more! But not about that!

Best of 2022 Upsetting Day #4: 15 Things That Must Have Happened in Fictional Universes by Jason Pargin

As a professional novelist, Jason knows the importance of world building. In this weirdly erotic article, he answers 15 questions about fictional universes the original creators were too lazy or cowardly to ask themselves. It will change the way you describe 9/11 to time travelers forever.

Best of 2022 Upsetting Day #5: Ricky Goes to Church by Seanbaby

It should have been an ordinary eye-searing glance at backwater Christian ventriloquism. But Ricky Goes to Church turned into so much more. It became a research project about the most professional way to put away a screaming dummy. It became a warning to a growing number of people on a puppet’s karate hitlist. And it became a monument to the legacy of that bitch Danny Nailer, killed by puppet karate in 1997. What a year of Upsetting! What a year of Days! Happy Upsetting Days from all of us here at 1900HOTDOG!

Categories
FUCKING DAY

The Best Hot Dogs of 2022: Fucking Day 🌭

Fuck you. We mean that sincerely, it comes from the core of our sacral chakra, which is the one that controls the balls. Get fucked. That’s what we hope for you in the upcoming year, and if that doesn’t happen, at least you can go fuck yourself. Here’s to all the good Fucking Days we’ve had, and the many great Fucking Days to come. 

Oh we should’ve spelled that differently. It would’ve been cute. 

Best of 2022 Fucking Day #1: Diebel Blog by Seanbaby

This is the article that finally made Don Diebel take legal action against Seanbaby. He issued copyright strikes and takedown notices to the 1900HOTDOG hosting service and Patreon. Our host will never give a shit, but Patreon, like every major media platform, errs on the side of pulling content at the first complaint. We explained the situation reasonably to Patreon, cited legal precedent, basic logic, and the actual letter of the law, and then hovered over the delete button, knowing what was coming next. They fucking sided with us! It’s the first time that’s ever happened in the history of modern IP enforcement! We’ll have to word this very carefully now that we know Don Diebel is reading it, ready to take legal action: Hahahahahahahahaha-

Best of 2022 Fucking Day #2: How to Pick Up Japanese Girls by Seanbaby

“Do NOT read or attempt to read this book if you are: a female, a boring conservative type, simple-minded, LGBT, a feminist, a non-player, a devout religious person, a weak pussy or if you suffer from any other types of bullshit sensitivity factors.” Those aren’t our words, that’s how this Japanese phrasebook starts. That’s how this Japanese phrasebook. Starts. If you bought this assuming it’d teach you to say “I think you’re super neat, do you like to ride go-karts” in Japanese, what you’ll actually learn are the Japanese words for “don’t thank me, thank my cock!” and “I am in jail for NOT sex crimes, I have done normal crimes. Do not listen to the police.” 

Best of 2022 Fucking Days #3: Hunk Boat by Seanbaby

Quick, what’s the best vehicle for hunks? Dune buggy? You idiot, you god damn idiot. These hunks will be quickly nude, they’d knock themselves unconscious with their huge floppy dongs on the first jump. A hang glider? That is begging, absolutely begging for raptors to attack their huge floppy dongs. Think this through. You know the answer: It’s houseboat. Placid houseboat, the perfect vehicle for huge floppy dongs and tight buns to cavort. It actually might be illegal to rent a houseboat for non-cavorting purposes. 

Best of 2022 Fucking Day #4: Dick Fight Island 2 Part 1 by Brockway

In 2021 Brockway introduced us all to Dick Fight Island. We showed up ready to laugh at the elaborate dick armor, but fell in love with the rich worldbuilding, dense characters, and the complicated but relatable ways they jacked each other off in battle. We returned in 2022 ready for more Ultimate Cockfighter and were ambushed once again by a complex weave of relationships that mostly dealt with the messy aftermath and psychological fallout of participating in a dickfighting kumite. 

Is this… is Dick Fight Island art??

Best of 2022 Fucking Day #5: Dick Fight Island 2 Part 2 by Brockway

Yes, it is.

Categories
NERDING DAY

The Best Hot Dogs of 2022: Nerding Day 🌭

Our nerd readers had it so good in 2022. Which is weird because 1900HOTDOG is almost entirely staffed by ass-crushing muscle studs. Weird. Anyway, here are our best Nerding Day articles.

Best of 2022 Nerding Day #1: The Troubling Puzzles of Karly by Seanbaby

There aren’t a lot of people who would go over to their friend’s house, take a picture of his girlfriend’s jigsaw puzzles, make fun of them for 3000 words, and then publish that shit on their actual wedding day. But Seanbaby is that person. Congratulations to everyone who knows him.

Best of 2022 Nerding Day #2: Joe 90 by Brockway

Never trust a puppeteer. And okay, right now you’re either saying “duh,” or some kind of plastic clacking noise as your kidnapper’s strings manipulate your jaw. Either way, the puppets are coming for all of us and articles like this will at least give you a fighting chance.

Best of 2022 Nerding Day #3: Alpha Flight vs. Pink Pearl by Lydia Bugg

It’s hard to believe Marvel comics ever survived an era when one of their professional writers could tell an editor, “What if, like, a morbidly obese woman took out Canada’s top superheroes? And I don’t mean she’s got amazing powers and unrelated obesity. I mean she just has obesity. Oh, obesity powers! That gives me a good idea: SQUISHY SUFFOCATION BOOBS. Anyway, I’ll have it on your desk by EOD.”

Best of 2022 Nerding Day #4: M.A.S.K. by Brockway

It’s the story of 28 episodes of cartoon vehicle combat, but in many ways, it’s the story of everyone. We all wear masks to hide our true selves and control our transforming motorcycle. Honk! Honk! It’s M.A.S.K. coming at you at number 4 on our year end Nerding Day countdown! And bow wow WOW, it’s a real hot dog sizzler! What’s happening, help, text NO to +1900468 for a chance to free me from this! Standard rates may be human toes.

Best of 2022 Nerding Day #5: How to Draw Sexy Anime Girls by Seanbaby

We celebrated an entire Anime Week this year, and Sean did his best to dodge it. He thought writing about a terrible anime drawing book would technically count, plus keep him away from the impenetrable perversion of Japanese cartoons. Unfortunately, he stumbled onto a book grifting conspiracy far more perverse and unethical than anything he could have imagined. He fucking knew this was going to happen during Anime Week and still hasn’t forgiven Brockway for it. Happy Hot Dog Nerding Days everyone!