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Learning Day: Man Up Your Meals
Category: LEARNING DAY
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You’ve heard of self-published books, self-funded movies, and other “art” foisted on the world by a committed weirdo. Now it’s time to discover the self-published building.
That’s a mockup of a future dormitory at the University of California, Santa Barbara. It’s also the most deranged architectural project I’ve ever heard of (Non-Mad King Ludwig Division). It’s borderline evil. It’s also worse than Mad King Ludwig’s work. At least that guy was going for something. Disney only steals the good stuff. As you can see from this mockup, the good stuff this ain’t. This self-published dorm idea is a cubic nothing. It’s like if The Borg were an American exurb’s HOA president. I’ve seen better building ideas in my first 30 minutes slapping together a The Sims house – and much like this building’s designer, I draft Sims homes without any real empathy for the residents.
My Dear Hotdogger, I have a note of encouragement for you: please make art. Practicing an art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow. Make art! Also, spare one thought for the humans around you. Because there’s one wrinkle in the artistic process, if you are the artist equivalent of a dictator. Creativity goes sour when it’s imposed on other people by force. It’s no longer a net good when a creator traps others in their work and coerces them into liking it, via money. Suddenly an artist becomes the town puppet master. One guy with a small fortune, no matter how mysteriously-gained, throws together a film set and treats dozens of grown adults like they’re his LEGO men. The horror also scales up as the budget rises. Once you’re throwing around “son of a post-Soviet oligarch” rubles, you can buy a whole-ass pop star career, built on nothing but money and personal threats to critics. So yes: making art makes your soul grow! But your soul does not eat its Breakfast of Champions if you make an Excel sheet to track your reputation-faking web of payoffs.
Back to the picture above. Until I learned about Munger Hall, I didn’t know somebody could self-publish a building. Had no idea! Technically, I’m the only person who calls this “self-published.” That’s because I’m forced to coin a name for its whole deal. Munger Hall is slated for construction thanks to a $200 million donation from benefactor Charlie Munger. The building’s designer? Amateur self-taught architect Charlie Munger. Do you notice how many of the people in this Munger Hall story are Charlie Munger? That’s because Charlie Munger is self-architecting. He wrote a check for an entire dorm building, and directed it to a university system with wobbly finances in a housing-poor state, because they simply can’t say no. They need dorms, any dorms, especially free ones. So that bars California from saying “no” to Charlie Munger’s art. Er, “no” to his architecture? Hang on, I’ve got it: his artch. Much like a Neil Breen film, or a drifter’s affordably-photocopied manifesto, Charlie Munger’s self-published artch will exist. It will get out there. And then it will confine a population of 18-year-olds against their will. Normally no artist wields that kind of power. They’re not rich enough. Other art-forcers can barely blow a thousand bucks on three lights for a movie scene. Charlie Munger is rich enough to light $200 million on fire. (Ironically, Lighting $200 Million On Fire would be a solid Andy Warhol-style short film.)
Who is Charlie Munger? He is a billionaire. He is Warren Buffett’s right-hand man (they grew up together). And folks, big number incoming: Charlie Munger is 99 years old. Are these the qualities of an architect? No! They are the qualities of someone who should’ve been retired for 50 friggin years by now. If I siphoned a chunk of Uncle Warren’s money, I’d retire in my forties and veg out. You’d find me in my palatial relaxation den, with a Brosnan flick on the teevee, munching on snacks from Secret Version Of Trader Joe’s For Rich People. But no: Charlie Munger rejects that lifestyle. He still works at Berkshire Hathaway, even though he is 99 years old. Every time I type that he is 99 years old, my brain tries to flip the numbers into a far less bonkers amount. “Please rotate so he is 66”, I think, in vain. This man is ninety-freakin-nine years old. He works a full-time capitalism job at age 99, then spends up to several hours per day on his uncalled-for amateur architecture. Why? Disruption. Or, innovation. Or something? He says he’s doing this to shake up the architectural establishment:
Yeah! Who among us hasn’t attended one show, seen two different-sized bathroom lines, and decided every trained architect is a total moron? It’s like when I drove a car one time, experienced traffic, and realized you’re all flaming imbeciles who are too thick-skulled to commute by blimp. Every one of you is an imbecile, especially the people who plan roads and cities after getting degrees in that. Also, in this story, I possess a couple billion dollars. So that lark of a thought that fluttered through my head is now your life. You’re going to enjoy the BlimpMerica(™) Fleet Inflation Apparatus-Tower I am eminent-domain-ing onto your front lawn. You’re welcome, you dullard. You’re welcome.
To Charlie Munger’s credit, this UCSB dorm is not his first dormitory project. Our artch maverick produced a few smaller student residences at other schools, through this same rigorous process of “I’m emailing you a CAD file before I mail you a check.” To Charlie Munger’s extreme discredit, his main prior project earned these testimonials:
When Charlie Munger gave his alma mater (the University of Michigan) its largest single donation in school history ($185 million), he made them use most of that money to build a 600-person dormitory. That dorm had just one window per eight humans. Each pod of eight bedrooms got one window to share. One measly window, like if we were in a Great Depression for glass. It’s like that old Disney cartoon where Mickey, Donald, and Goofy subdivide one bean for dinner. So yeah, the results of Munger’s design were not great. But the feedback drove Charlie Munger to decide everybody is a crybaby except him.
Which brings us to UCSB’s future Munger Hall. Charlie decided to treat his Michigan project like it was less of a dorm, and more of a tiny “is this a center for ants?” mockup of his true vision. He scaled that sucker up, and up, and up, until his design fit 4,500 students. He believes it can scale up that far because his chief design inspiration is Disney Cruise Line’s ships. No joke! He sees untapped wisdom for year-round living when he thinks about cruise ships (a thing you visit) and their rooms (the things you sleep in if the deck chairs are taken).
It’s also telling that Munger brought his Costa Concordia-assed vision to UC Santa Barbara. He wrote them a $200 million check despite having no personal connection to the school. Apparently he doesn’t need that connection in his victims? Is that how psychopathy works? I don’t follow true crime stuff. Anyway, in 2021, because money, UCSB greenlit Munger’s plan. Munger Hall is a two million square foot megadorm, housing 4,500 students in 11 floors of windowless rooms. Experts call it “a jail masquerading as a dormitory”. But don’t worry, you dolt, you ignoramus, you gormless worm of an architecture non-understander: the rooms don’t need windows. Why would they need windows? What would a window in Santa Barbara even do? Offer a view of one of the most beautiful locations in the entire world? No: each room is good to go with no windows to the exterior. Each room offers something even better. That something: a “Disney-inspired” fake window. There. You are now happy with this design. You like it! After all:
Here I was valuing sunlight, when sunlight doesn’t even have the courtesy to offer me The Clapper. Buzz off, The Sun. You’re incompatible with my universal remote.
Some of you may still disagree with this great plan. Bad news: that makes you part of The Establishment. You’re like this foolish Establishment architect, who lazily criticized Munger Hall’s design without actually committing to… [reads ahead] …wow he quit his own job just because the plan is that inhumane.
There’s no way around a criticism like that. Right? I guess you could claim this architect is far more things than “an architect, a parent, and a human being.” That would make this fine. Let’s say he’s also a hot dog vendor, and he’d appreciate the daily shade of the building’s looming shadow. Let’s say he’s a sadistic dungeon keeper, and he’s practically busting out of his leather shorts with torment-anticipating glee. Let’s say the “as a parent” part flips our way because his next kid is a naked mole rat. Anyway, what happened? Once Charlie Munger heard this feedback, I’m sure he took it into–
Yikes. Okay. But that was back in 2021. I’ll bet new perspectives got looped in, and cooler heads prevai–
That was two months ago. Munger Hall is still up on UCSB’s website today. Also apparently somebody talked them into reducing the scale slightly, down to 3,500 students on 9 floors. That update comes from another professional architect who works with UCSB, interviewed about this by the great website Defector.com. That architect compared Munger Hall’s design to the prior Michigan plan, plus a lot of “CTRL-C, CTRL-V.” Which is a clear sign of structural quality. Let me explain. For all you non-architect numbskulls out there, CTRL-C and CTRL-V are the keyboard commands for copy-pasting. They perform the astonishing magic of increasing something, by pasting. After copying. It’s very complex and smart. And it’s the key tool of the professional architect’s trade. Copy-pasting is as big of an architect skill as sharing a Coke with Warren Buffett, and being about to die.
That noise you hear is the Caterpillar company making construction equipment to press a huge “CTRL-C” button.
Until today, I’ve never had any personal dreams or goals related to architecture. I do listen to a great podcast about it sometimes. But it’s not in the top 10 things I think about. I’m not design-pilled. But now, I do have an architecture dream. I want to get a moment with the Innovative Structure-Master Charlie Munger. I want to sit him down, get him talking. And then I want to ask him about this quote:
Because I love life’s little punchlines. And there would be no grimmer thrill than to learn Charlie Munger thinks mouse traps are contraptions that mice choose to live in.
Hello Hot-Dog Homies! Haha that is a bit of slang i used because it makes a clue about our topic for today which is another HHH word:
In case your ‘’hands” arent already down your pants yet let me “help’’ drive the point ‘’home.”
Yes your correct its The Heartwarming Inspirational LOVE INSPIRED® Romance Helping Hands Homeschooling Book Trilogy! Are you excitable yet!? These ones are a part of a ongoing LOVE INSPIRED series where they release 6 awesome Christian romance books every month! Now that honestly is some quantity of content. What is important for us today which i guess is me writin and you readin about a trilogy of romance novels about what the author Margaret Daley says:
I just took a sip of tea there and put on my thoughtful face to consider about how to write this next part because I know in our hotdog community we have some pretty neesh interests and think some things are good and interesting which other people dont think are, and so i dont want to be the pot calling the kettleback here but there is a little part of me what wonders if Marg REALLY thought this was a fun exploring, or if she maybe doesnt have quite the level of creative freedom offered by certain other media outlets and was maybe at least a lil compelled to write some books what were calculated to appeal to a certain demi-graphic:
Well I will probly never know Marg’s heart but after wrasslin through three of her books i feel like i actually gained somewhat of a understandin about her mind-workings and also to honestly my pretty big surprise i believe i ‘get’ why these books are a thing and why some might spend their precious fleetin time on earth readin ‘em. You see, there I was in my barca-lounger readin away on the first in the series: ‘Love Lessons’ but I got distracted by LaRene’s british baking show for a couple of minutes which: if youve ever seen that one its about as gentle as they come. But then when I turnt my attension back to the book, and its sentences and paragraphs and pages and whole chapters about the different homeschool children and their midwestern names and ages and innerpersonal dynamics, it was like i felt my brain slow-motion and access a new, here-two-four undiscovered sub-basement of calm. Like on a john deere lawn tractor you know how you can shift between rabbit and turtle? (im a two-thirds fella myself: full-rabbit means your cocky but full-turtle is too pious). Anyway, readin these books is like buyin a new tractor DLC that unlocks another level of mind-slow, like a enormous ice turtle outside of time where it might take em decades just to say how the heck are ya buddy?
Huh i kinda got distracted there. I came out of covid ok but ever since i finished these books i feel like my brain is flightish and logey what I came here to say is that reading the three of these pretty close in time i realized that Marge seems like she was working from, if not a recipe pursé then at least maybe some guidelines. In case you might want to write a homeschool christian-romance novel in your own lives, here are some important considerations, suggestions, and ensamples. And hell why don’t we for more fun just make it like a homeschool homework! Here’s our worksheet you can see i added my own novel porpoisition and you can put your own in too:
STEP 1: LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION
Now that doesnt mean DIFFERENT locations what margaret did which was also kind of ‘fun’ was put all three books in the same place (and yep folks she did it: its even a shared universe and the same Helping Hands Homeschooling characters and what not show up in all three books). In this case its the famous town of Stillwater Oklahoma, which is good because of the name obviously, but its also a Real America place where its safe to kinda shit on big cities and its rural but you still have proximity to some exotic locations like the Tulsa zoo for your action setpieces and its not weird for everyone to go to church like 5 times a week and if you say: im thinking about homeschoolin, everybody is like: yeah you totally should thats a good idea we all do that, and maybe its just a co-inkydink but i kept a eye out and there wasnt a single person-of-color occurrence at any point in the three books.
Ok in edition to pickin a place your readers will like, i learned that to write a good Christ and God romance book with kids on every page its very important to have like 200 characters total including homeschool children and homeschool parents and all there aunts and uncles and grandmas and horses and dogs, and its not hard to give them memorable names just pick from a list of Most Popular Names for white babies in 1992 and i think its even ok if you use some names twice or maybe i just lost track, but for our most essential characters here we go:
STEP 2: THE MAN
It is important there is a man, he is usually introduced first and has tradegy and loss in his past (always its a womans fault). It is nesesarry for him to have a arc so choose either: hes not sure if hes ready for bein a dad or his faith is waverin. If yr havin a hard time with physical description go watch some John Tesh concert videos and pause it on the audience reaction shots for ideas or: it is optional. So here’s the next worksheet I want to emphasis that I did NOT make anything up for the real books only mine:
STEP 3: A LADY
Also just as important is a lady I learned it is very important for the lady to have a signature scent and it is ok if she is not a virgin as long as there is no mention ever at all of the events that resulted in Pregnant. Her non-romance arc is always the same it is: learn to forgive as Christ did, you may choose mother, grandmother, father as forgivee. It is also important that this person never acknowledge what they did wrong or say sorry or show that they have changed at all thats how you know its true forgivement.
STEP 4: THE KID
Yes imagine how sad it would be to read a romance book without there being a young child around on every page and speakin up all the time and having behavior and academic problems what need a lot of attention! And they look pretty cute there on the cover too in fact maybe its JUST a kid on the front of your romance book! This right here is why we do what we do isn’t it, we do it for THEM.
STEP 5: PLOT
Well this one isnt really THAT important it turns out you just write about how home-schooling fixed everything and maybe there’s a even lower-stakes b-plot like the dog was lost for a while or will Dr. Connors ever get gramma’s fudge-recipe out of her or the christmas lawn-snowman blew away and landed right on a baby jesus next door. Its pretty whatever but oh yeah these are supposed to be a romance so how you do that part is: dont worry about if your man and lady have personalities or values or if a adult man reading them for researchin a comedy article can even tell them apart all you need for romantic success is everyone else in the books says: ‘’I can tell you like him/her, you should marry him/her” the whole time and then they do! But even though that part is as they say a feta complee, a good writer will have a fun kinda setpiece at the end of the book where the romance finale is kinda public and maybe exciting like one of your better memorial-day parades or scout expos and hell, no need to stop with just one, you can layer as many of these on top of each other as your imagination can dream of, behold:
So that’s the end of our worksheets but some other important things to make your book good are that if you can’t think of why a character died, you can say ‘freak accident” as many times as you need to and its fine. If a reader for example has some follow-up questions about what type of freak accident it was that killed a first-love high-school boyfriend ON THE BASEBALL FIELD well, who are we to question The Lords Plan? Also what i learned about homeschoolin is that its pretty much if a kid is interested in something you help them look it up on the internet, and if there not interested you skip it and if theres anything else important happening at all like a lost pet or grandma is sad or we want to cook spaghetti tonight and need to go shopping well that takes a president over school: “a good thing about homeschooling is the flexible schedule!” And homeschooling teaches you things your godless public school might not like the founding fathers were blessed men and when your learning about Hitler its important to ‘read both sides of an issue or topic”.
OK well at this point some of you what have read other non-inspirational romance books might be wondering about whether certain adults-only activities ever happen in these books. Such as fucking. And the answer is of course that happened you big silly, dint you see all those kids on the cover and in homeschool!? But if you are wondering: but is there any sexual content actually portraited, well thats even more silly, of course not! A christian writer knows that the Lord is readin every word they write over their shoulders and doesnt the bible say “Wo be unto Them what Titillates the Good Lamb yeah, even them what Tumescents the Very Son of Him?” But let your genitals wilt not, because you know whats even more hot and sexier than explicit descriptives of sexual innercourse?
Brushin.
Oh my gosh there is just so much brushin in these books. I started to keep count but I couldnt persist it was just all the time: Their arms brushed electrically or their hands brushed with the jolt of a stallion and their clothes brush and they imagine their lips brushing on fingers and thumbs,and even the actual times they kiss and we get to use the word ‘mouth’ its only after a whole bunch of brushin.
So brushin is a tricky one: a certain sexful maven taught me a word called: la carezza which is I-talian for brushin and if you dont believe me, believe my library card that there are some books that are so good at la carezza and buildin up your sexual pressures at low heat for so long that when you finally get a ‘moment’ its just like somebody let all the broncos out of the gate at once. But with our Helping Hands Homeschooling books its more like NO heat for a long time and NO moments of release so its more like maybe they just forgot to bring in the broncos at all and the clowns are doin their best to entertain us with pants falling down and funny faces. Libidinously speaking.
Lookit here, this is pretty much the hottest page I could find, i dare you to try and coax a orgasm outta this:
Whenever I’d come up for air from reading these, the world’d just look so bright and rich. Trayton’s lil cousin was visitin over the holidays and they spent about a hunnerd hours a day watching one of those youtube streamers who’s whole job is to pretend he’s not playin baby games but after about 30 minutes in Stillwater he seemed like such a wit and fount of wisdom and pathos to me. And I found myself looking at LaRene and other people in my life with just like a wonder of their depth and humanity and opinions and interests and well maybe its just like how after you do a 24-Hour Prayer-and-Fasting-for-Rain even the crumbs at the bottom of the dorito bag taste so magical (no offense) so do these homeschooling jesus sex books teach us its a wonderful life I say these things in the name of jesus christ Amen.
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Learning Day: F.A.R.T.s The Movies 🌭
“The universe isn’t irreparably corrupted by darkness,” you say. But you’re wrong. In 1991 someone made a movie called F.A.R.T. The Movie. “We can come back from that,” you say. But you’re wrong again. In 2000 someone else made a movie called F.A.R.T. The Movie. “We are fucked,” you decide. And you’re finally right. Behold, doomed readers… F.A.R.T.s The Movies:
F.A.R.T. The Movie is a 30 minute collection of frantic, unfinished fart sketches. F.A.R.T. The Movie is an inept college sex comedy with seven or eight farts unrelated to the plot. If you took out the farts from both films, they would both be called The Movie, but one would be 99% of a fartless romantic comedy and one would be a sucking hole in the walls of our reality. Which reminds me, this is going to get confusing. The first F.A.R.T. The Movie was the second F.A.R.T. The Movie in the last sentence, and in neither movie does the acronym F.A.R.T. mean anything. I know. It’s fucking crazy. Crazy in a way it didn’t need to be.
Speaking of acronyms, both F.A.R.T.s The Movies will be judged using the fart comedy film industry standard of F.A.R.T., explained below (illustration courtesy of searching for “farting butt clipart”):
I don’t need to explain it. We all use this system every day. Let’s get started.
First impressions are vital because that’s all a F.A.R.T. The Movie will have. Even the people who made F.A.R.T. The Movie barely remember anything about it, and that’s not a joke. The zany sketch one listed renowned film expert, Drew McWeeny, in the writing credits and I know him on Twitter, so I immediately sent him this:
Do you know what this means? It means F.A.R.T. The Movie was made by mere intent. A fart-mad lunatic knew there should be a movie about butt smells but had no other artistic inspiration other than “maybe someone who reads magazines could write it.” It’s incredible, both that he bothered to try and how badly it came together. I’ll talk more about Drew’s contribution later, but first let me show you the back of the box:
In many ways it’s the most honest a VHS box can be. From the copy to the screenshots you can tell this thing looks like shit and was hacked together by someone with no sense of humor other than the one built into every human asshole. It’s like it’s trying to explain bad comedy to a baby. “Russell loves to FART! But his wife hates FARTING! It’s the eternal triangle-90’s style, which is not a real turn of phrase or where you put that apostrophe.” Two things are made clear by F.A.R.T. The Movie‘s box: they think a half hour of farts alone is enough for a film, and they’re wrong about a lot of things.
Now I want to talk about the far less honest box of the other F.A.R.T. The Movie. You might have already noticed something suspicious about it:
The tiny betrayals here hit you in waves, and I don’t want to steal that experience from you, so please take it in before I make any comments on it.
Really, stop here and focus on each detail. Think of why they made every choice.
You might have thought, “Oh, this was directed by the Farrelly Brothers? How have I not hea– wait, did they spell their name wrong? Hold the fuck on. Does that say… IN?” You may have also noticed at the top of the box they listed three actors you’ve never heard of rather than the world famous Farley Brothers. That might be because those Farley Brothers are Chris Farley’s brother, Kevin, who you may have seen in a couple things, and Chris Farley’s other brother you didn’t know he had. The second one can’t act and he’s spliced awkwardly into the movie every twenty minutes to have no effect on anything. Then again, that’s how I would describe the farts in this F.A.R.T. The Movie. So by stinky butthole standards, he is the principal star. Congratulations, Other Farley Brother. Clunk? Pojob? That’s it. Pojob Farley.
It’s worth looking at these pull quotes too:
I couldn’t find either of those film reviews, but that doesn’t mean anything. Online media in the year 2000 was just a place where confused people lit money on fire. Still, I’m guessing from the way they didn’t spell Shoreline Times correctly and the fact that GoodNewsBroadcast was a Christian website, these aren’t perfectly accurate. Do you know what a Christian website tells you when you ask them to review F.A.R.T. The Movie? They ask their God for permission to fuck you up, and He always says yes. Seriously, though; they don’t sit through a slightly fartier Porky’s knockoff and tell their readers it’s like falling in love.
F.A.R.T. The Movie is something a fungal colony would make if it was pretending to be its movie director habitat. The hero is a balding incel with a farting backstory that never comes into play and his sidekick is a balding Kevin Farley doing an impersonation of Chris Farley doing an impersonation of William Shatner. The idea that fucking anyone, for any reason, would say it’s “a cross between Animal House and Something About Mary that all generations can relate to” is absurdity. An obvious deception told by a fungus with no more reason to lie. If Sue Braden really said this, fuck her and the mold steering her. And Tim Conway Jr. from 97.1 FM Talk Radio Los Angeles… do I need to explain why it’s bad to invoke a supporting actor’s dead brother to promote a terrible movie his manager would have never let him get anywhere near? I don’t know if it’s committing any actual crimes, but to use the language of this era of cinema: F.A.R.T. The Movie‘s VHS cover has the ethics of a basketball coach with multiple magic dogs on the bench.
The back of the box is really something, but in a different direction:
Wow, look at all those fart non-fart jokes ordinary words. Like the other F.A.R.T. The Movie, it tells you more than it means to about who the filmmakers are and what they’ve done. It tells you it was made by people who think farts are funny, but aren’t quite ready to make them fundamental to the story, but hold on, maybe maximum farts? No take them out completely wait, we were right the first time, fart. I can’t stress enough how tacked on this farting stuff is. Despite naming their film F.A.R.T. The Movie and making the cover a fart-filled whoopee cushion (a double fart in many ways), these insecure nerds were ready to cut F.A.R.T. The Movie down to 108 minutes and release it as Sex Predator Buddies as soon as any distributor asked.
Seventy four Kevin Smith movies have proven you can eventually say something funny after you try enough times. Sorry, when I started that sentence it felt like it was going to be a joke. I think I’m still cranky from F.A.R.T. The Movie. The point is, F.A.R.T.s The Movies sometimes make dull swings for misunderstood “humor” and accidentally hit truly special insanity. Let’s celebrate those moments.
First, let’s look at F.A.R.T. The Movie. The balding college student with an inconsistent fart problem has ditched his beautiful, kind-hearted soulmate to stalk an emotionally vulnerable hot girl to a bar. The hot girl hates him, as stated by the film several times, because she thinks he’s a loser creep (he is). However, she wants to get revenge on her unfaithful boyfriend, Johnny Alpha (really), who also hates him (he let him get horribly injured during a trust fall activity (really)). His well-known fart condition is only a secondary, easily removable reason for the characters to dislike him. Anyway, she does a sexy dance to seduce him:
He gets so horny he farts on the bartender, killing him, but that’s not the funny part. Or maybe it is to you in which case here’s a joke you’ll love: unanswered cries for help from a chemical toilet. No, the funny part comes next after what feels like seven more hours of dancing. She stops doing a seductive merengue and goes fucking nuts.
In a fit of demonic editing, the scene goes from alluring dance to Paula Abdul audition. To a slow Latin soundtrack, this woman throws high kicks, plays pool, drops the beat, and after she runs out of organic ways to show her panties, just starts pulling up her dress. The whole movie I was thinking, “How does a competent actress who is this much of a smokeshow only have Team Knight Rider and Command & Conquer: Tiberian Sun on her resume?” I think we’re seeing the answer. The F.A.R.T. The Movie director of photography caught footage of a malfunctioning android moments before its tiberium core exploded.
The other F.A.R.T. The Movie is made up of so many zany sketches it’s almost impressive how rarely they try to be funny. It’s almost all lazy premises like “What if a priest talks about farts and the concept should be enough, right? No need to write jokes?” But there were a couple fart game show bits that blew my mind. As anyone who’s made anything knows, game show parodies are the first idea on the whiteboard of any brainstorming meeting, so I didn’t have a lot of expectations when I saw the set of WHO CUT THE CHEESE.
First off, all the contestants introduce themselves by farting, which is deceptively brilliant. It implies these people come from a world where farts are used as communication. Or maybe it means it was written by someone whose joke construction is farts are funny, so farts are funny, so farts are funny, so farts are funny. Both are equally ridiculous. The host tells them, “Contestants, please, identify this fart.” And then a fart comes, as if from nowhere. Did the host do it? Did they have it contained somehow!? Anyway, they all hate it, and one of them farts in return. This seems to be how you buzz in, so he adds, “That’s a rotten egg fart.” The line is delivered with an indecisive authority no trained actor could have considered.
After a long pause, the host says, “… yeah.”
And that’s it! That’s the whole fucking thing! It is almost violent in how much it doesn’t care. Nothing has ever given less of a fuck. You probably didn’t expect a well-structured narrative going into F.A.R.T. The Movie, but surely no one could have expected so little. They built a set so four people could fart and one of them named a fart. But it’s the other game show parody I really want to talk about.
It’s just exactly the Gong Show, only it’s called BONG SHOW, which is great because it’s not a fart pun, implying this takes place in a world where there are things other than farts. We see a blindfolded woman performing her act which is guessing people’s farts. I’m not explaining it well. What she does is smell their farts and then guess them. Two women in swimsuits bring up a volunteer from the crowd and he farts on her.
She starts to guess his fart. She says, “Mmmm… very fragrant. Definitely a woman. He likes to wear silk panties.”
It looks like it’s a real bit! The old man is secretly wearing lady underpants and it’s messing up this fart-telling act! That’s a premise with a setup and payoff anyone can unders– what’s this? No? It goes off in another direction and then just kind of ends with the celebrities fighting over a gong? Ha ha ha what?
I love this. It’s a second game show about guessing farts, only this one they’re bad at it for reasons the writer and editor didn’t agree on! It had too much depth… too much mystery. So at the risk of hurting author and movie genius Drew McWeeny‘s feelings, I reached out to him again.
I was right! He wrote it! If that’s not strange enough, the sketch also stars the real four-year-old Ke$ha who farts on the old lady and gets her to say, “Wooo! What a lot of musk! You are a verrry virile man.” I don’t know. Maybe all we see and are is a misinterpreted fart on a poorly edited Gong Show parody.
Both F.A.R.T.s The Movies take some real liberties with reason to create circumstances for their fart jokes to have a chance to land. For instance, F.A.R.T. The Movie opens with Russell (who loves to fart) unloading his ass into an elevator before he exits.
These goddamn people watched this man performatively leave them with his noisy fart and then start to perform the great single act play Who Among Us Farted Because I Guess We’re All Fucking Stupid?. I want you to understand, these movies don’t suck because you’re better than them. You are, probably, but they suck because they will fart off of faulty premises. This is a butthole built on sand. This is an Elon Musk tweet promising “I will dig a little tunnel under Florida to reduce swamp traffic” translated into Fart.
There’s a sketch in F.A.R.T. The Movie where a commercial for fart spray claims to recreate the exact fart scents of your dead relatives and pets. How!? Why!? And in the other F.A.R.T. The Movie they get pulled over for drunk driving and have to cover the scent of beer. Easy, right? The protagonist of the film has a fart problem! So they, of course, try to hide the beer smell with cigars. What? They do finally remember the main character farts when he’s nervous, but he shits his pants instead because he’s the wrong kind of nervous. What!? There’s a scene where pooping into a toilet is too noisy(?) so he hangs his ass out the window and shits outside. And this is a travel!
Look, we’re going to be here all day if I try to point out everything wrong in F.A.R.T. The Movie, so I’ll sum it up with a screenshot of the farting college student next to one of the two women he pulls:
Oh, this is the perfect time to move on to:
Each of the F.A.R.T.s The Movies have a tone where it feels like we’re about to sneak up on a lady taking a bath. It’s like two different men said, “Let’s make The Boob Tube or Revenge of the Nerds, keep all the sex crimes, replace all the boobs with farts, and add all the lonely sadness that implies.” But you don’t necessarily need nudity to be erotic beyond all reason. F.A.R.T. The Movie, prove it:
Special thanks(?) to LaziestManOnMars for sending me both F.A.R.T.S. The Movies.
