We discuss the rise, fall, fall, fall, fall, and incredible financial success of Dennis Miller– the first and only comedian to be exiled from Twitter for being bad at tweeting after he typed this:
How can that Tweet be? How can our mothers live on a world that allowed it? We do our best to figure it out and Jason and Brockway face off in a Seanbaby’s Book Game™ where they listen to real Dennis Miller quotes and guess if Sean actually made them up. “THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE,” said participant Jason Pargin!
And speaking of face offs and the impossible, in our bonus episode we talk about the fun version of celebrity self-parody gone out of control: Nicolas Cage. Patrons can listen to it in our Discord, and as you do so, here is the behind-the-scenes shot of John Travolta and Nicolas Cage saying crazy shit to each other during Face/Off. And here is Nicolas Cage when you Google his name with the word jacket:
And, of course, here is Nicolas Cage with all of the patches replaced with Steven Seagal eating a carrot:
It’s Podcasting Day! Available everywhere today wherever you get them, we are joined on the Dogg Zzone 9000: The Official Podcast of 1-900-🌠by our dear friend Alex Schmidt, host of the Secretly Incredibly Fascinating Podcast for an episode where we discuss the art of grifting.
Alex tells us about Boris Skossyreffa, a Russian man who talked his way into a kingdom. Brockway shares the story of Elvira Gamboa: a Filipino woman who faked her own country. And in our bonus episode for Hot Dog Appreciators only, Seanbaby shares the cautionary tale of Matthew Kline Kader, a Vegas dirtbag who tried and failed to convince people he was a celebrity, a fighter, and a corpse.
Nerds! Others! Come listen to EpiSSoDDe FiVVe of The Dogg Zzone 9000, the official podcast of the popular jokes n’ fun browser-page, 1900hotdog.com. Seanbaby and Brockway are joined by gentleman bastard, Brendan McGinley, comic expert and author to help explain the insanity, awesomeness, and goddamn stupidity of comic books.
From the Golden Age, Brendan brings us The Puppeteer, a gentle carver of puppets who works as a Puppeteer selling puppets of The Puppeteer, yet he hides a secret– he is actually the crimefighter and falconer known as The Puppeteer!
From the Modern Age, Brockway takes us on a journey through the mind of a tortured, moronic comic writer trying to make sense of his own script as he tackles organized religion using the best tool to do that — a teleporting elf! It’s one of many things inconceivably written by the comic’s disgraced and dumb-as-fuck author, Chuck Austen!
And from the Bronze Age, Seanbaby talks about the greatest story in the history of literature: The Time All the Avengers Died and Had to Fight Each Other and Also Dracula for the Fate of the Universe.
And of course, Dogg Zzone Ffans, Brendan and Brockway face off in the high-stakes world of SeanBBaby’s BOOk GGame. Who can plan the saddest meal for one in their Microwave? Their instincts, along with the recipes of tragic culinary fishwife, Sonia Allison, will decide! They’re doing battle inside MICROWAVE FOR ONE!
Happy Upsetting Day! Hopefully you’re not upset that you’re getting a podcast instead. Today we discuss the important and oft-overlooked movie genre: Over the Top.
Now, I know what you’re saying: “That’s not a genre, that’s a movie! A great movie! You are not the men to bring it low!”
And you’re right. So we contacted Jason “David Wong” Pargin for backup. He’s known as the “alternate thumb position” of podcasting, and today we finally find out why. We’re not here just to make fun of Sylvester Stallone’s wild misunderstanding about the importance of armwrestling in modern society, we’re here to make fun of its entire legacy: from The Wizard to Road House, from Twister to the Huey Lewis/Gwyneth Paltrow classic… Duets? Yes, Duets! We make fun of Duets! We dare.
Haha, that’s the poster for Over the Top?!
Haha, that’s the poster for The Wizard?!
Haha that’s the poster for Duets?!
Haha that’s the poster for Road House?!
Twister is beyond reproach.
I also once again defend my title as “Most Losingest Competitor” in Seanbaby’s Book Game! Guess how it goes! Hey, fuck you. Maybe it goes well this time.
It… it doesn’t.
And remember, Jason’s here promoting his new book: Zoey Punches the Future in the Dick. I have read this book. All the way to the end. Yes, I know you’re proud of me and I appreciate that, but I mention it because I know the book is fantastic. It’s funny, thrilling, stupidly hilarious, and also subtly, cuttingly relevant. I don’t know how he pulled all that off, but he really did. It’s sort of Idiocracy for the Elon Musk generation. It’s sort of cyberpunk for the TikTok generation. It’s funny and it’s deep and it’s compelling and it’s satire and it’s a book! You read those!
In man’s quest to get his dong into things, he has tried an infinite number of options. A romance “expert” named Gregory JP Godek made it his quest to list them all then spent decades boiling it down to one– fuck on pizza. On today’s Dogg Zzone 9000 Podcast, we’re joined by adult film star April O’Neil to discuss the hilarious tragedy of Godek’s career.
Hear how Godek went from best-selling author and love guru in the early ’90s to nothing else despite three desperate, embarrassing attempts!
Witness him take ideas from 1001 Ways to Be Romantic and repackage them in different books for 30 years in increasingly less successful ways!
Listen to Seanbaby explain, in exhausting detail, why it’s okay to hate this pitiful naked man who makes his wife’s birthdays special by letting her pick the toppings on their sex pizza.
Hear Brockway and April compete for Seanbaby’s love in the hottest, most romantic Seanbaby’s Book Game the Dogg Zzone 9000 has ever seen!
After your throbbing settles, no wait -during the throbbing- be sure to subscribe, leave a review, or do whatever else helps our podcast which condensed the life of one of literature’s worst monsters into one hour of pizza fucking jokes. Seanbaby wrote 42 pages of notes for it, which is nearly the amount of work Godek puts into getting the bra off his cheese-filled wife, and over 9000 times the amount of work he puts into writing one of his bullshit advice books.
Brockway: Oh shit, it’s Podcasting Day! Because there are new podcast episodes right here! That’s right, plural! Here’s Part 1, and here’s Part 2.
Oh shit, it’s Rumble in the Bronx week! Our podcast, like mirthful gangbangers and flesh-pillar henchmen, is defenseless against Jackie Chan. This epic two-parter is all about Rumble in the Bronx! With special guest Zak from Auralnauts! Weren’t expecting a whole week about Jackie Chan? Weren’t expecting two whole podcasts? Feel like it’s all a bit much? Kind of wish you could take a break from this relentless Channing? Well…
Here’s how this whole thing started: Seanbaby wanted to write a piece about how Rumble in the Bronx is the perfect movie, because it is. Then I got jealous. I wished I was writing about that, instead of about that time Van Damme danced out a boner on Brazilian TV, or whatever I had planned. So I asked if he wanted to make it a Teamworking Day, for no other reason than his toys looked way cooler than mine. Then we figured, shit, Zak also loves Rumble in the Bronx, because he’s not some heartless fucking Care Bears villain, but a regular human with a functional soul. Why not invite him on, and also make our love for this movie into a podcast? Finally, we’re reducing this visual medium to pure audio! The future!
Seanbaby: I thought it was a great idea, so I took my notes and edited them down to a concise, readable size– just a fun, quick article about a 90 minute movie from 25 years ago!
Brockway: Seanbaby came back with just his half of the Rumble in the Bronx Teamworking Day and it was so much text that, if you printed it out and laid the pages end-to-end, it would be exactly the length of his dick. Down to the molecular level — it’s like he planned it!
So then I said, “maybe we’ll split this into parts — the thing about Jackie Chan, not your dick. Maybe also your dick?” He didn’t go for the second thing.
Seanbaby: This reminds me of a joke I read in Jokes for Minecrafters. Q: How did the Minecrafter have sex with both your moms? A: When the creeper fell into the lava! You probably thought I was going to say something about cutting a dick in two, and I agree it would be a more sensible punchline, but that book was stupid as fuck. I’m still pissed off about it here in this article about our podcast about Rumble in the Bronx. Speaking of, what a perfect movie. Let’s not ever do anything that isn’t Rumble in the Bronx!
Brockway: That was an actual discussion. “Just be Rumble in the Bronx now” was a real option on the table. Then we thought “m-maybe we’ll just write one more thing about Rumble in the Bronx!”
Anyway, that’s why the whole fucking week is just Rumble in the Bronx!
Seanbaby: Fuck! Yes!
Brockway: It’s all Rumble! It’s all Bronx!Maybe you’re Rumble in the Bronx, have you even checked?!
Seanbaby: The idea of someone saying, “That’s enough Rumble in the Bronx” is so outrageously ridiculous to me. Like I’m trying to picture someone saying it to me and I’m getting pissed off about it. Fucking let them try with a DVD copy of Rumble in the Bronx sliding down their throat. The coroner is going to say, “Cause of death appears to be a forieign object obstru– oh sweet! Jeremy, come look what I found in this dead piece of shit’s neck! This movie rules! Hahaha, ‘OUR BOSS IS NOT WHITE TIGER.’ And the hovercraft? Oh, we’re watching this. We’re watching this right now.”
Brockway: Oh shit again — we launched the podcast a whole month ago! If you still haven’t entered the Dogg Zzone, I don’t know what you’re waiting for. There were a bunch of links already. Did you need a formal invitation? What are you, a podcast vampire? Fine, Count Podula, would you please enter and devour our tender podcast?
You can start right here with the first episode, but it’s not like there’s continuity. We don’t end on a cliffhanger where Seanbaby discovers I’m secretly his long lost brother and he goes in for a hug but I pull a pistol on him and tell him I’m here to take over his life. We resolve that cliffhanger right away – he kicks me in the face! It sucks!
Seanbaby: To my credit, missing a cue for a hug, getting hit in the face, and someone pulling out a gun is the official handshake of Whites.
Brockway: Clearly that theme song is the best thing music ever did — we told Zak that, and he loved it — but the podcast episodes themselves turned out pretty good, too. Listen, maybe the first one wasn’t perfect. For example, we didn’t introduce ourselves. We just assumed everyone already knew us which, to be fair, they fucking should. Shit, I forgot to introduce myself in this article! I’m Robert Brockway. God, you must’ve been so lost.
Seanbaby: AndI’m Robert Brockway!
Brockway: And we’re both Rumble in the Bronx!
We also didn’t ask you guys to subscribe, which is such a rote audience request that I’m pretty sure YouTubers yell it when they climax. But yes, you should subscribe immediately, which you can do right here. It would also help us immensely if you could rate and review the podcast. Apple is the biggest one, but any reviews on any platform are magical gifts that only you can give, kind of like believing in fairies, or granting basic sexual consent.
Look at these heroes:
If you want to be like them, and you fucking do, it’s easy, just:
