Author: 1900HOTDOG

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TEAMWORKING DAY

Teamworking Day: The Best of 2020 🌭

This should be a retrospective of all of our Fucking Days and the interesting and frightening ways they have penetrated you, but Seanbaby just did that for the last Reflecting Day. But if you think about it, fucking is basically just really good teamwork. So this is Teamworking Day. Wait, no it’s Tagteamworking Day — the day where Seanbaby and Brockway rail you from both ends (with jokes! Some penis!) As a sort of liability babygate to keep out the weak of mind and body, these are usually locked behind the Hot Dog Hero tier. But it’s the holidays: Not only the most festive time of year, but also the one with the highest death count. It’s a good time to party or slip in a murder. Let’s do both! That’s right: All of this year’s Teamworking Days are now free! It’s Tagteamworking Day! Get fucked! (In the nice way!)

Tagteamworking Day

Blaby Computer Games

Brockway: Oh. Oh no. I know that face. I know that face so well. That’s the ‘something in this room knows what the inside of my ass looks like, and you can’t leave until you guess with your tongue’ face.

Seanbaby: You’re acting like you’d hate that, but Killer Kong sort of has nice titties.

The Gorgeous Guys of Gaming

Seanbaby: I worry things are getting a little too hot here, so let’s cool them off with Snake Roy, who is the worst of both of those words. Roy looks like he and the python eating him died at the same time and there was some kind of a ghost mistake. But whatever it is, there’s a good chance we are looking at its anus. On dating profiles, Snake Roy describes himself as, “I look like someone dropped their wedding ring in an outhouse, but I’m also a fat fucking snake from the back of the head down. 2 inches uncut, forked”

Brockway: Snake Roy is an atrocity of human imagination. He’s why LeVar Burton had to start telling children “almost everybody can be creative!” From his squat nose to his mossy patches to his snake scales made out of dry human skin, I have to hate every part of Snake Roy individually because I just don’t have enough hate in me to hate him as a cohesive whole.

Baskin

Seanbaby: The cops hit a pedestrian and crashed their police van right into Silent Hill. There are spooky villagers, a plague of frogs, and meat totems hang from every single everything. It’d be a dangerous situation for anyone, but our guys whimper shit like, “You bust our balls, we’ll rip your ball!” into the night when nearby shadows rustle. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen any movie characters more doomed than these chicken fuckers.

Brockway: Honestly, we’ve spent so long exploring the shameless sexuality of proud Turkish perverts that I had completely forgotten this was a horror film. We have to acknowledge the possibility now that this was all intentional: A filmmaking technique meant to overwhelm the senses with such insane nothingness that you forget where you are, what you’re doing, who you’ve become. Now the audience will accept the sudden, unexplained existence of another world without question. It’s like being trapped in a yurt for fourteen years, with only a goat molester and a radio that plays Mongolia’s greatest hits from 1972 to keep you company, then emerging, blinking at the light, stunned at the sky, to find a world of flying cars and plant-people. “Is this what life was?” You will throat sing, to no one in particular. “Is it the world that changed, or I?” You will bleat, and none will answer you, for none share your unique language — not since Yogritz passed away six left-part-of-a-goat-vaginas ago.

Amazing-Man Comics

Brockway: Fucking only Amazing-Man would bring a knife to an aerial balloon fight. Hahaha is that lady in the background also shooting at them? Amazing-Man is a devout Catholic trying to get away with suicide on a superhero technicality.

Seanbaby: You can’t get into Heaven if you’re killed by the penis a balloon pirate tore off a gorilla. It’s not a rule on the books, but it’s like how they can kick you out of a Sizzler for tearing the penis off a gorilla even if there’s not a sign.

Hausu

Seanbaby: I would have never guessed from the first 40 minutes that this is the best movie ever made. This is like an ape falling backwards into a snowblower and spraying Matisse’s The Dessert: Harmony in Red onto your driveway.

Brockway: It is a beautiful shame. Like a Juggalo ballerina.

Worldwatch

Brockway: So many people were writing in to Marvel demanding that Black Panther have more tits. This had to happen. It’s simply filling a gap in the market. Hey speaking of filling gaps: Chuck Austen felt the need to specify that, if Black Panther were female, he would lick his own pussy.

Seanbaby: I love a good reference to jokes that don’t exist, but might in a different universe! Oh, and lets add “cat tongues” and “the human clitoris” to the list of things Chuck doesn’t understand, I guess.

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This article was brought to you by our fine sponsors and Hot Dog Supremes: Zdarfan, Micah Phillips, Neil Schafer, Jaber Al-Eidan, David Fornuff, Dr. Awkward, Benjamin Sairanen, and Jamie Gordon. They survived that plane crash by having the fortitude to eat the other passengers, and they survived that rescue attempt by having the fortitude to eat the rescuers.

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NERDING DAY

Nerding Day: The Best of 2020 🌭

Nerds! You god damn nerds! Paying money for jokes on the internet is the nerdiest thing possible, and that’s including both card tricks and ukelele covers. But you nerds are precious to us. We appreciate every second you spend reading our comedy instead of a six-thousand word thinkpiece on which Doctor Who would fuck which other Doctor Who. We treasure every moment you spend with us instead of an anime body pillow that says your name in broken English when you squeeze it. We value every glasses-fogging, asthmatic giggle we tickle out of your soft bellies straining at the edges of T-shirts advertising old video games. This, then, is your day: Nerding Day. And these are the best Nerding Days you’ve had all year.

Nerding Day

Shaq Fu (The Novelization)

Teenage Mutant Hero Turtle Joke Book

There are, without hyperbole, several too many jokes about insects on pizza in this book. Something happened to this author, probably seeing an insect on pizza, that caused him to find insects on pizza outrageous. This information isn’t particularly interesting or funny, but when someone does something as strange as drawing this many bug-infested pizzas, I take detailed notes. It might make for a bad comedy article, but it will definitely help catch the man authorities will one day call the Papa John’s Killer.

The Easy 40 Step Method to Cube Dominance

Show Off! How To Be Cool At Parties

At least one time in his career, a cruise director has told Fred Newman’s agent, “We’ve already booked our headliner and I don’t think the ship needs a second Dave Coulier.” Jesus, I need to step away for a second because that’s the fucking meanest joke I’ve ever written.

Everyone The Wonder Twins Rescued Should Be Dead

Revolutionary Girl Utena 

Sean has promised me that this won’t be one of our public columns, so I feel safe admitting this only to you, our loyal patrons: I have always wanted to be a magical girl.

Thundercats LIVE 

Foam rubber muscle suits just don’t hold up when they’re flesh-toned. It looks like Lion-O is mostly tumor and sass. This is what the melty guy from RoboCop would look like if, instead of being hit by a patrol car, he was hit by the theater bug.

Chojin Sentai Jetman

It’s tough to do even one ‘Hero Resists The Call’ right, and Jetman is doing four at once. The end result is less like we’re being introduced to a reluctant cast of would-be heroes, and more like everybody in the world is already aware of, and fucking hates Jetman.

Ultimate Tag

Ultimate Tag was an idea so bad it wouldn’t fly as a MadTV skit, and it was executed worse than Muammar Gaddafi, a Baltimore traffic stop, or a MadTV skit. Ultimate Tag sucks… but what we’re really here to do is make fun of the Ultimate Taggers.

The Last Witch Hunter

Michael Caine is in The Last Witch Hunter for a grand total of about 3 minutes, before he’s put into a magical coma and replaced by Elijah Wood, who should also be too good for this film but is miraculously not.

For every second of his screen time, it is so very clear that Michael Caine just has no patience for this shit.

Play the Ass Game

But no joke, that basically looks like a video game. Like if you showed this to your grandpa, he’d say it’s a videogame and then look at you pityingly, wondering where it all went wrong with our generation. Maybe it was a mistake to stop spraying pesticides over schools. Maybe it softened us up too much. “Grandpa?” you’d ask, but he’d just ease the brakes off his wheelchair and roll quietly backwards down a hill.

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This article was brought to you by our fine sponsors and Hot Dog Supremes: Yannis Ioannidis, John McCammon, Armando Nava, Lyman, yossarian, Josh S, and Ken Paisley. Together they form Ultrazorb, who defends the cosmos mostly against Ultrazorb’s drunken rampages.

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PUNCHING DAY

Punching Day: The Best of 2020 🌭

It’s day two of the great comedy retrospective, where we look back at all the amazing jokes we brought to this screaming, stinking pukefight of a year. Today we celebrate the king of arm movements: The punch. The wave is all right, the wank is pretty good, but nothing beats a punch because if it does, it gets punched. It’s Punching Day! Punching Day is a surprisingly flexible thing, lending itself to everything from actual martial arts training manuals to wrestling cartoons, from video games to Patrick Swayze’s dick game, which has been qualified as “the punching of fucking.” Let’s take a look!

Martial Dance

Chaz carries “dad lost in an electric slide” energy with him even when he’s alone in a studio. The man who brags about advanced martial dancers performing impossible feats of sweet, improvised moves looks confused in the two-step routine he himself invented. Chaz is a robot developed by ’90s stand-up scientists to archive how white people be dancing.

Man Comics Presents… Pouch Hopfucker!

How to Protect Yourself & Survive

In 1979, the streets feared only one thing: author Sidney Filson. She wrote HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF & SURVIVE: from one woman to another which made all other books look like frivolous indulgences. This is 151 pages of kill-danger’s-dick-with-car-keys Karate. When star scavengers are one day picking through the remains of human civilization, they will use this book as an archaeological marker to determine which woman died last.

The Penetrator

The Stunts of Steven Seagal’s Kill Switch

Even in his prime, Steven Seagal ran like a Tyrannosaurus losing control of its hula hoop. Now that he’s an elderly man hiding his mass under a two-person centaur costume, the idea of filming him in a rush is unthinkable. So whenever he’s hurrying, the film replaces his movement with flashes of him teleporting across the screen. So when he’s in a chase scene it abruptly changes from a film about a cop chasing a killer to a stop motion animation about the ghost of a rock n’ roll pig haunting the dark alleys of Memphis, Tennessee.

Hulk Hogan’s Rock ’N Wrestling Sketches

The sound design for Rock ‘n’ Wrestling is what the inside of your head is like in hell. Instead of laugh tracks we get ghostly, disconnected guitar riffs that signify both everything and nothing. They’re your cue to laugh, cry, transition scenes, or get to your bunkers because Macho Man Randy Savage is headed this way and the watchtower guards thought he looked lonely through the spyglass. Sound effects are chosen at random, happen at random, and present at random volumes — there are slide whistles in total stillness, wacky Scooby-Doo scrabbling noises in the middle of sentences, boings when somebody sits down and bicycle horns when they walk through doors. This show is not scored, it is haunted by the ghost of a sound engineer who died trying to cut together Rowdy Roddy Piper’s insane yapping into a credible sentence.

Steven Seagal’s World of Warships

Why does nothing fit him? Do they not make frog-closure jackets for Weebles? He looks like somebody’s squeezing a tube of shithead toothpaste.

Night Man

If Night Man feels like a cheap store-brand ripoff of Batman that’s because this is a Malibu title, and Malibu is the Malt-O-Meal of comic imprints. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Eat shit, Malibu. I know the company is defunct, I know that society and good taste and justice have won out, but this is like hunting Nazis in 1960s Argentina. You’re not allowed to just commit atrocities and retire. This is Hunters shit, and it’s not over until I knock on your door with a copy of Mantra and a pistol.

Exiles

Everyone in the Exiles sucks so hard it’s difficult to overstate. I’ll try: They suck so hard, if they were an album they’d be Imagine Dragons ironically covering NWA songs. They suck so hard, if they were a car they’d be a brown Nissan Juke. It’s not enough! They’d be a Nissan Juke with one of those family stickers in the window, only every member would be a Calvin peeing on a smaller Calvin until the final Calvin, who has to pee on himself. They suck so hard, if they were a sex scandal they’d be Martin Shkreli caught masturbating in a Foot Locker. Fuck! Nothing is landing. You’ll just have to meet them.

Karate Blazers

Here’s how Glen jumps:

The Bouncing World of Road House 

Road House is not the Citizen Kane of bouncer movies. Citizen Kane is the Road House of newspaper movies. This is my third and possibly final column in the series I’m calling, “How The Eighties Convinced Men They Could Murder Their Way To A Bigger Cock, Inadvertently Causing All Of Our Problems Today,” and let’s just say there’s a reason historians refer to the eighties as the Road House of decades.

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This article was brought to you by our fine sponsors and Hot Dog Supremes: Rhia, Dean Costello, Nick Ralston, John, Jeff Atwood, Aidan Mouat, Adrienne Hisbrook, and Zachary Evans. The ultimate fighting team, whose group attack “The Punch Orgy” earned them the title “Least Desired Opponents.”

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LEARNING DAY

Learning Day: The Best of 2020 🌭

Happy holidays from the very tips of our hot dogs to the large split in your buns. This year you have given us the greatest gift of all: Several dollars. Oh, also your support for this insane website that promises way too many jokes about things pop culture did while drunk and denied the next morning. So we are giving you the greatest gift, the only gift — only anything we know how to produce: Those exact jokes. That’s right, it’s the great year-end retrospective! The internet’s clip show! Where we look back at our own works with a smug sense of satisfaction and say “you’re right, we are comedy geniuses with penises that double as sundials for distant villages.” Every day this week, we’ll look back at our favorite articles from that day’s theme, and if they’re not already free, we’ll make them that way! Today is Learning Day, and you just learned what we’re doing. Let’s get started.

Develop Your Child’s Psychic Abilities

In Chapter 3: Invisible Friends and Visitors, Litany suggests imaginary friends are actual beings only your child can see. Holy shit, right? She even proves it by telling this story about someone named Cara who dreamed about a flying coach in a yellow hat. Still not convinced? Well, tough, because that’s the entire story. Look up in the night sky. Every moving light you can’t explain is a shard of Cara screaming upon reentry. You let her leave Earth with the yellow-hatted one before she finished her training and now you must watch her return from the stars in shattered pieces!

How to Good-bye Depression

This book is a structureless poem about three things: the definitely psychosomatic health benefits of anal constrictions, an old guy he knows who fucks, and stickiness. It’s two pages long and Hiroyuki rewrote it 67 times without ever getting better at English. He included every single draft and the review is done– that’s the goddamn book. Survivors of the Nanjing Massacre call this book the most unthinkable thing Japan has ever done. In sign language you pronounce this book by getting struck by lightning at the top of a staircase.

TRAINS! TRAINS! TRAINS!

Science 4 for Christian Schools

If you presented this book to Joseph Goebbels he would say, “Zis is close to vat I vanted, but I asked for a ridiculous plan to make ze American children stupid, not a stupid plan to make ze American children ridiculous. Two stars.”

Science 4 for Christian Schools – Teacher’s Guide

Question #7 is: What’s the point of this stupid fucking moon? The answer is, and I’m paraphrasing, to one day turn red and kill you. This is a fantastic type of crazy, and if I’m being honest, I don’t understand how homeschooled Christians didn’t end up being the coolest genre of people. If someone asks me about the moon I bore them to death with crater facts. A graduate of Science 4 for Christian Schools will tear off their shirt and scream, “Did you say moon!? Hurry! It can’t see you if you’re nude, wait, who sent you!? Show me the birthmark!”

How to Make Trippy Music

“The eHow logo is like the Nintendo Seal of Quality — if you’re lucky it means nothing, if you’re unlucky you just brought home the bronze medal in the Shit Olympics. Here’s our instructor for Trippy Music Class: The least funkadelic person to ever live.”

Troom Troom

“Money laundering for Care Bears? Unethical advertising for a dangerously zany new clown drug? Russian phishing aimed at hungry gay children? Nobody has any proof, only an uneasy hunch based on the grime they feel congealing on their souls whenever they watch a video. Troom Troom feels like a mean-spirited, poorly executed parody of something that doesn’t exist yet and possibly never will. Like a savage takedown of the exploitative marketing tactics deployed by Sparkolchim, the slavic candy giant that poisoned 92% of Earth-14.”

Jack Horkheimer: Star Hustler

“Now, be honest with me: in your mind’s eye, is he wearing pants? No, he is not. Is he wearing a jaunty little bowtie specifically tailored for his penis? Yes, of course he is.”

How to Manifest Your Desires

“I love the DIY sensibility of Dark Arts WikiHow. They’ll never just tell you to harvest dirt from beneath the hooves of copulating oxen — they’ll include tips for making your own from charcoal and fleshlight leavings. Also it is very good to know that pickles are cursed. I have always secretly believed them to be foul magic by the way they make everything they touch taste like pickles, but I was unwilling to independently research that fact.”

Meet Buster Sales

“He’s our magical training video host. He’s got a kind of off putting mookish presence, and he lives in the TV — like if Max Headroom was the manager of a local carpet store that couldn’t keep any female employees for reasons that are not discussed.”

Develop Your Psychic Powers

“The video doesn’t really start until section 4, Clairvoyance. Litany shows you a handy exercise wherein she lays a series of items out and moves them around off-screen, then asks you to use your clairvoyance to predict their new positions.

At first, this exercise was challenging for me, but luckily, Litany said to practice, you could just rewind the tape and try the exercise again! After rewinding the video and working on the exercise several times, I found that I could accurately predict the arrangement of the objects 100% of the time. I did it! I’m Clairvoyant!”

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This article was brought to you by our fine sponsors and Hot Dog Supremes: NickH, Matt Reiley, Brianne Whitney, 3 Finger Louie, Hawk, Josh Fabian, toasty god, and Mike Stiles. Winners of the Science Fair, Champions of the Math-Off, and Big Buckaroos of the Biology Bonanza.

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PODCASTING DAY UPSETTING DAY

Podcasting Day: Grifting with Alex Schmidt 🌭

It’s Podcasting Day! Available everywhere today wherever you get them, we are joined on the Dogg Zzone 9000: The Official Podcast of 1-900-🌭 by our dear friend Alex Schmidt, host of the Secretly Incredibly Fascinating Podcast for an episode where we discuss the art of grifting.

Alex tells us about Boris Skossyreffa, a Russian man who talked his way into a kingdom. Brockway shares the story of Elvira Gamboa: a Filipino woman who faked her own country. And in our bonus episode for Hot Dog Appreciators only, Seanbaby shares the cautionary tale of Matthew Kline Kader, a Vegas dirtbag who tried and failed to convince people he was a celebrity, a fighter, and a corpse.

Don’t forget to subscribe and please leave a review wherever people leave those things.

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Hot Dog Appreciation Day

Hot Dog Appreciation Day: The Mouth at the End of Memory

Greetings, Hot Doggers! It is time once again to honor your contributions to the art of Hot Doggery. You saw our site jam-packed with jokes — bursting with jokes, so stuffed with jokes it tried to slip one more joke in and wound up puking jokes all over the floor — and you said “hey, how about some more jokes?” 

You understand. 

You truly understand. 

This isn’t even about comedy anymore. It’s a crusade. Our mission is to flood this world with jokes until all those who’ve wronged us drown in hilarity. An Earth washed clean, so that it can be remade anew. Populated by our society: One that values belly laughs over bullets, guffaws over genocide, and fuck apes over fascism. 

You guys did get all that, right?

Onward, to Twitter!

A few weeks ago, Seanbaby broke physics and found the impossible: 1,001 Ways NOT to be Romantic, a book about Godek that was also worse than Godek. Seanbaby dedicated way more thought to making fun of it than its author put into making it, and then the real magic happened: 

Joe Dacey did some actual fucking journalism and discovered that Godek wrote the parody of himself! Our entire understanding of the world was suplexed right onto its damn head. Perhaps it was Murray who put it most succinctly in the comments:

At one point our Teamworking Day about Worldwatch devolved into Seanbaby and Brockway just textually snugglin’ and Cesar, like all of you, loved it:

While Swift Justice has some lessons on the complicated pathways of Australian grammar, or as linguists call it, the “Down South Mouth Route.”

Christopher Horne is rapidly disintegrating while trying to keep the memory of Pants Chapley alive and who? What were we talking about? Australia, right? Haha did you know they call trash cans “wheelie bins?” Precious.

Last week Lydia wrote about a book that advocated putting needles in your cat’s butthole, and The noticed that wasn’t even the worst thing about it:

While Mel Mudkiper adds a little whimsy to dog destruction.

Sissyneck is our favorite troll. He’s kind of a tell-all autobiography written by a Wal-Mart security guard slowly losing his mind to dementia, but he was really firing on all cylinders these last few weeks:

Over on the Discord, we were keeping things classy and philosophical with a discussion on eating MEat. 

And the merits of bringing 2D brawlers to life (in Russia, obviously):

Here Michael Korvac, Cosmic Asshole once again uses his powers for evil:

And this is your biweekly reminder to never underestimate our dedicated community of internet sleuths. Especially when it comes to fuckable pizza. (Please be forewarned, there is Fuckable Pizza ahead: do not read if you are easily fetished.)

And now, let us pontificate on the nature of sexy alien Jaxon Human, and his weird dickfighting game:

There is an important line between generations that cannot be overcome: There are the kids who found their porn in the woods, and there are the kids who safely used the internet like a bunch of pansies. Not Actually Mithras did actually solve this mystery:

Brockway bemoaned having the shittiest doppelganger, but JeremyCantrell and Bigfoot in a Clown Car made it all right again:

While the Hot Dog Tipline blew up with a Hot Tip about Cool Tips. That joke only works if you consider the foreskin to be the turtleneck sweater of the penis which, of course, you do:

There is no winner when we all work together like this to lift one other up. This is about community and cooperation, about putting the good of the many ahead of the good of the few. But also the winner is Sissyneck, for his white trash Welcome to Night Vale series told entirely through the least appreciated medium: Internet comments. Congratulations, Sissyneck! For the next two weeks, you will be the custodian of the most valuable piece of art known to man. Or at least it used to be before our last winner, Mel Mudkiper, “improved” it:

As with all of our previous winners, who also violated the Rollerskating BatPrince Terms of Custody, Mel Mudkiper will now be minced and have his remains fed to the Mouth at the End of Memory, so that whenever his loved ones think of him they will instead picture a skinless hippo orgy. 

You folks are, as always, the best. And if anybody ever questions that, you call us. We’ll jump in the original 1966 Batmobile and zip right over to THWOK! their COCK!