Author: sissyneck

Categories
FUCKING DAY

Fucking Day: Celebrate the Self 🌭

Yes well its my turn again and today we have a important story to tell so gather round and have a seat criss-cross apple-style. Once Upon A Time there was a special group of people who got together because of their maybe uncommon interests in some topics an activities that maybe most other people dident know about or dident like or even thought they were gross and bad. But this group of people knew that the things they liked were actually cool and good and so they wrote about them and published it but that wasent enough: they wanted to have like a treehouse-type area where they could talk more with each other about their neesh extra-curricilums and maybe even form kind of friendships and ginuwine connections with each other.  Does that sound familiar to any of us gathered here to-day? Raise your hand if you know what Im talkin about thats right this is a story about:

The CELEBRATE THE SELF NEWSLETTER FOR THE SOLO SEX ENTHUSIAST which as far as i can tell ran quarteredly from maybe 1993 until at least 1997 but i only have these two issues and the catalog. They were bundled up together in the collectors corner at the friends of the library booksale AND it was half-off day so i got em for 1.50$ instead of 3. The older lady volunteer was a real pro she dident even blink when she rang me up. 

CELEBRATE THE SELF newsletter i guess got its start because a man named Dr. Harold Litten wrote a book about playin with yourself but ADVANCED playin with yourself and it looks like it was pretty popular, you can still get a copy if you want:

So a group of people REALLY liked this book and said we want more! more! so Harold and some buds said ok if you all chip in a little money every so often we’ll keep this self-touch locomotion runnin and take your letters and answer your questions and try out any neat masturbation tips or tools or drugs you tell us about and then MAIL. THROUGH THE MAIL. FROM MOBILE ALABAMA IN 1994. A PRINTOUT TO YOUR HOUSE. I dont know bout you, but I call it courage. lets take the tour, won’t we:

READER MAIL

Pretty self-explanetary i guess heres where the subs (they call each other ‘’Brothers’’) write in with their penis and testical stories or poems or special memories about for example rural comroderry:

That sounds not too bad except for the hay dust and the hay bales and the hay part. I know theres a no ai art policy for 1900HOTDOG articles and i agree thats good but for personal curiosity i tried asking a few art robots to me make me “nude farmers and guys platonacly hayin’ in the style of Andrew Wyeth with no clothes on” and the ones that dident shame me did a passable job of it.

Next we have one from an older gent.

Whoa what a button! Thats only about half of the letter and its still a lot of detail alright but maybe you get the jist that the CTS brotherhood is pretty open and tries to make room for a wide-spectum of human sexuality that maybe doesnt get real mainstream representation. And thats nice and all but its all so a bunch of folks writin in with their more kinda -formational- stories. Goin through these newsletters was a pretty whipsplashy experience, where id be readin one part and thinking wow these brothers even in the 90s were doin some good thinkin and writin about the variety and fluidity of human experience with sex, and people would be writin in sayin thanks about how the newsletter and books has help them overcome shame and accept their whole self and identity and pretty heartwarmin! And then id move to another part that had a lot of stuff about -youthful- experiences in it and it’d make me kinda push and kick few tilly at the floor with my right foot like when im teachin someone to drive and we need some brakes right now.

Yes it might seem odd but after some of the we-dont-really-talk-that-way-anymore-outside-of-anime letters, the man who carefully measures his cantalope hole with it looks like a lot of trial and error seems like a oasis of safety and consent.

FEEDBACK

Now not all of the letters was just one way, some of em had like requests or feedbacks and the CTS staff would engage in a lil tit ah tit with the brothers. for example:

To the Celebrate-the-Self Labatorry!

Amazin the good one can accomplice with a medical degree.

This one there were a couple of brothers that were really wantin to know where they could get somethin called a jac-pac:

And Dr. Litten replied sayin he was also very sad he couldent find any jacpacs (also known as accujacs) anymore either. I was curious myself, journalismly, but the only thing i could find a bout jacMasters was this:

Which some say thats poppers but i wonder if thats the space inhalers but lets focus up people on the most important part which is: there are apparently THREE different models of accujacs im assuming and hopin that means classic, shag, and battle-armor but will we ever know!?

Lookin up jac-masters also brought this etsy product to my awares:

Which if the can’talope guy is still around i bet he’d approve.

ANYWAY heres where i had a very good fortune that i had two issues because in the next one the Doctor followed up and once again proved that maybe its not nesessity that mothers inventions as much as it is just wackin off. who needs a store-bought jac-pac when you can use items you already have in your own home like enema hoses and water wings to make:

And like he says: make sure to take the water out before giving them back to your kids i assume most defense atterneys dont like to rely on a photo like that as there best chance of pleadin you down from murder to manslaughter.

Heres one where somebody who got a free copy of Dr. Littens book had some notes:

Which Dr. Litten received and responded in a professional spirit:

And then there was a little inner-community drama in the next issue where some people said that was a little mean wasent it and so Dr. Litten humbely reflected on his words and actions

And decided that he was right and good. As the Michael Angelo of wackin off he felt intitled to a little humbuggery sense his words helped so many orgasms the hole magazine is drippin like a old rag left in a horse troff. 

PHOTOS PICTURES

Well its not all writin and words the CTS knew that the brothers awaitin their issues in their mailbox delivered by their mailcarrier in 1994 would probably want some images and photos and some of em are pretty i guess standard like speakin of Michael Angelo heres a david with probly a AOL free trial disc or a scratched copy of Parklife:

But some of the photos utileyes some less conventional poses to erotic affect:

And then theres the non photographic visual arts some of em are kinda cute cartoony about differnt ways you can do a self-touch:

And some of em are more a body horror instructional type about how to make some crosshatch contour shadows onto your weiner to give it a shapely hour-glass figure before you inject some fatty acid into it to get real hard:

I looked that one up and it looks like the injections were more of thing only real 90s kids will remember and now we’re more civilized so for all-day boners you can just feed your pee-hole a lil prostaglandin pellet.

Heres a hand-drawing for someones book:

I realize that one might be a bit confusin to your sexual organs so heres the text to clear it up:

Huh i guess i would maybe recommend dont read that after you did a injection or you might end up with some problemsome sex associatives.

HUMOUR

Now this one i think you folks will like because of how you also like things what are funny and the Solo Sex brothers are not above havin a chuckle about themselves. We have cartoons:

And just plain ol fashion classic setups n punch-lines:

Im a little embarased but that one did get a decent-size laugh outta me.

And then everyones favorite the timeless dirty limerick:

Brake. Brake! BRAKE!

REVIEWS

Ok its the final section of our newsletter to look at where the folks captainin the Good Ship Touch Myself generously purchase and self-experiment with all products and techniques marketed as the ultimate in toe-curlin technologies. Some of its pretty basic stuff like kellogs and they say it works pretty good:

But that ‘ticular bathroom version was knew to me so i thought i’d give it a try when LaRene was still sleepin: I had a sit and started openin er up and shuttin er down and I gotta pretty good rhythym goin my guess is about a 80 bpm but i guess it was louder than i thought because here comes LaRene flingin the door open all worried and upset asking are you ok whats goin on and all i could say was ‘’peein’’ and then a course it would start back up right then and she just looked at me for a second and then went back to bed.

Heres another technique i don’t think i’ll try this one:

I got a little lost about what was really happenin in that one and what was boner-fever dream and what was bad and what was good but I think all of us really can be thankful that we dident have to ecsperience that one first hand or be annywhere near that real confused doctor when he did.

Heres a DIY idea but im’ gonna be straight with you here and say please dont actually:

And then heres where the subscribers of this newsletter really got there moneys worth take a look:

Just a lil reminder that this was 1994 and so this kind of technology probly seemed realistic and likely in edition to very sex-appealing. But what was the verdict of our self-pleasure elders?

What a disappointment! Thank goodness the strong arm of the USPS will do a crackdown on these frauders (im havin fun here, in real life I know the postal inspectors are no joke).  

But what evidence did Dr. Litten and the fellas include in their formal complaint so the SWAT mail carriers can get a warrant to invade the cybertech campus, possibly wearing tactical blue shorts, depending on the weather? Here is a itemized list:

Each one more dammin than the last of this so- called ‘’cyber’’ ‘’tech’’ lets just shake our heads and also wonder what kind of vibrator you could get in 1994 for 2$.  Obvoiusly this is a smokin-gun of scam-fraud and RICO all on its own. i’m sure a tiny right-hand-drive APC with a eagle on the side went tearin ass down the highway to shut these monsters down. but whats this there’s one more piece of intel coming over the radio!?

Those sick sonuvabitches. 

So here ends our story or perhaps a fable even about a community maybe not that different from some modern day ones, like they say: one persons weird shit is another persons virtual elk club, so let us salute our pre-internet trailblazers and walk where they crawled but maybe clean the floor first in this specific case in the name of jesus christ amen.

Categories
LEARNING DAY

Learning Day: Helping Hands Homeschool Romance 🌭

Hello Hot-Dog Homies!  Haha that is a bit of slang i used because it makes a clue about our topic for today which is another HHH word: 

In case your ‘’hands” arent already down your pants yet let me “help’’ drive the point ‘’home.”

Yes your correct its The Heartwarming Inspirational LOVE INSPIREDÂŽ Romance Helping Hands Homeschooling Book Trilogy! Are you excitable yet!? These ones are a part of a ongoing LOVE INSPIRED series where they release 6 awesome Christian romance books every month!  Now that honestly is some quantity of content. What is important for us today which i guess is me writin and you readin about a trilogy of romance novels about what the author Margaret Daley says:

I just took a sip of tea there and put on my thoughtful face to consider about how to write this next part because I know in our hotdog community we have some pretty neesh interests and think some things are good and interesting which other people dont think are, and so i dont want to be the pot calling the kettleback here but there is a little part of me what wonders if Marg REALLY thought this was a fun exploring, or if she maybe doesnt have quite the level of creative freedom offered by certain other media outlets and was maybe at least a lil compelled to write some books what were calculated to appeal to a certain demi-graphic:

Well I will probly never know Marg’s heart but after wrasslin through three of her books i feel like i actually gained somewhat of a understandin about her mind-workings and also to honestly my pretty big surprise i believe i ‘get’ why these books are a thing and why some might spend their precious fleetin time on earth readin ‘em.  You see, there I was in my barca-lounger readin away on the first in the series: ‘Love Lessons’ but I got distracted by LaRene’s british baking show for a couple of minutes which: if youve ever seen that one its about as gentle as they come. But then when I turnt my attension back to the book, and its sentences and paragraphs and pages and whole chapters about the different homeschool children and their midwestern names and ages and innerpersonal dynamics, it was like i felt my brain slow-motion and access a new, here-two-four undiscovered sub-basement of calm. Like on a john deere lawn tractor you know how you can shift between rabbit and turtle? (im a two-thirds fella myself: full-rabbit means your cocky but full-turtle is too pious). Anyway, readin these books is like buyin a new tractor DLC that unlocks another level of mind-slow, like a enormous ice turtle outside of time where it might take em decades just to say how the heck are ya buddy? 

Huh i kinda got distracted there. I came out of covid ok but ever since i finished these books i feel like my brain is flightish and logey what I came here to say is that reading the three of these pretty close in time i realized that Marge seems like she was working from, if not a recipe pursé then at least maybe some guidelines. In case you might want to write a homeschool christian-romance novel in your own lives, here are some important considerations, suggestions, and ensamples. And hell why don’t we for more fun just make it like a homeschool homework! Here’s our worksheet you can see i added my own novel porpoisition and you can put your own in too:

STEP 1: LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION

Now that doesnt mean DIFFERENT locations what margaret did which was also kind of ‘fun’ was put all three books in the same place (and yep folks she did it: its even a shared universe and the same Helping Hands Homeschooling characters and what not show up in all three books). In this case its the famous town of Stillwater Oklahoma, which is good because of the name obviously, but its also a Real America place where its safe to kinda shit on big cities and its rural but you still have proximity to some exotic locations like the Tulsa zoo for your action setpieces and its not weird for everyone to go to church like 5 times a week and if you say: im thinking about homeschoolin, everybody is like: yeah you totally should thats a good idea we all do that, and maybe its just a co-inkydink but i kept a eye out and there wasnt a single person-of-color occurrence at any point in the three books.

Ok in edition to pickin a place your readers will like, i learned that to write a good Christ and God romance book with kids on every page its very important to have like 200 characters total including homeschool children and homeschool parents and all there aunts and uncles and grandmas and horses and dogs, and its not hard to give them memorable names just pick from a list of Most Popular Names for white babies in 1992 and i think its even ok if you use some names twice or maybe i just lost track, but for our most essential characters here we go:

STEP 2: THE MAN

It is important there is a man, he is usually introduced first and has tradegy and loss in his past (always its a womans fault). It is nesesarry for him to have a arc so choose either: hes not sure if hes ready for bein a dad or his faith is waverin. If yr havin a hard time with physical description go watch some John Tesh concert videos and pause it on the audience reaction shots for ideas or: it is optional. So here’s the next worksheet I want to emphasis that I did NOT make anything up for the real books only mine:

STEP 3: A LADY

Also just as important is a lady I learned it is very important for the lady to have a signature scent and it is ok if she is not a virgin as long as there is no mention ever at all of the events that resulted in Pregnant.  Her non-romance arc is always the same it is: learn to forgive as Christ did, you may choose mother, grandmother, father as forgivee. It is also important that this person never acknowledge what they did wrong or say sorry or show that they have changed at all thats how you know its true forgivement.

STEP 4: THE KID

Yes imagine how sad it would be to read a romance book without there being a young child around on every page and speakin up all the time and having behavior and academic problems what need a lot of attention! And they look pretty cute there on the cover too in fact maybe its JUST a kid on the front of your romance book! This right here is why we do what we do isn’t it, we do it for THEM.

STEP 5: PLOT

Well this one isnt really THAT important it turns out you just write about how home-schooling fixed everything and maybe there’s a even lower-stakes b-plot like the dog was lost for a while or will Dr. Connors ever get gramma’s fudge-recipe out of her or the christmas lawn-snowman blew away and landed right on a baby jesus next door. Its pretty whatever but oh yeah these are supposed to be a romance so how you do that part is: dont worry about if your man and lady have personalities or values or if a adult man reading them for researchin a comedy article can even tell them apart all you need for romantic success is everyone else in the books says: ‘’I can tell you like him/her, you should marry him/her” the whole time and then they do! But even though that part is as they say a feta complee, a good writer will have a fun kinda setpiece at the end of the book where the romance finale is kinda public and maybe exciting like one of your better memorial-day parades or scout expos and hell, no need to stop with just one, you can layer as many of these on top of each other as your imagination can dream of, behold:

So that’s the end of our worksheets but some other important things to make your book good are that if you can’t think of why a character died, you can say ‘freak accident” as many times as you need to and its fine. If a reader for example has some follow-up questions about what type of freak accident it was that killed a first-love high-school boyfriend ON THE BASEBALL FIELD well, who are we to question The Lords Plan? Also what i learned about homeschoolin is that its pretty much if a kid is interested in something you help them look it up on the internet, and if there not interested you skip it and if theres anything else important happening at all like a lost pet or grandma is sad or we want to cook spaghetti tonight and need to go shopping well that takes a president over school: “a good thing about homeschooling is the flexible schedule!” And homeschooling teaches you things your godless public school might not like the founding fathers were blessed men and when your learning about Hitler its important to ‘read both sides of an issue or topic”. 

OK well at this point some of you what have read other non-inspirational romance books might be wondering about whether certain adults-only activities ever happen in these books. Such as fucking. And the answer is of course that happened you big silly, dint you see all those kids on the cover and in homeschool!? But if you are wondering: but is there any sexual content actually portraited, well thats even more silly, of course not! A christian writer knows that the Lord is readin every word they write over their shoulders and doesnt the bible say “Wo be unto Them what Titillates the Good Lamb yeah, even them what Tumescents the Very Son of Him?” But let your genitals wilt not, because you know whats even more hot and sexier than explicit descriptives of sexual innercourse?

Brushin.

Oh my gosh there is just so much brushin in these books. I started to keep count but I couldnt persist it was just all the time: Their arms brushed electrically or their hands brushed with the jolt of a stallion and their clothes brush and they imagine their lips brushing on fingers and thumbs,and even the actual times they kiss and we get to use the word ‘mouth’ its only after a whole bunch of brushin.

So brushin is a tricky one: a certain sexful maven taught me a word called: la carezza which is I-talian for brushin and if you dont believe me, believe my library card that there are some books that are so good at la carezza and buildin up your sexual pressures at low heat for so long that when you finally get a ‘moment’ its just like somebody let all the broncos out of the gate at once. But with our Helping Hands Homeschooling books its more like NO heat for a long time and NO moments of release so its more like maybe they just forgot to bring in the broncos at all and the clowns are doin their best to entertain us with pants falling down and funny faces. Libidinously speaking. 

Lookit here, this is pretty much the hottest page I could find, i dare you to try and coax a orgasm outta this:

Whenever I’d come up for air from reading these, the world’d just look so bright and rich. Trayton’s lil cousin was visitin over the holidays and they spent about a hunnerd hours a day watching one of those youtube streamers who’s whole job is to pretend he’s not playin baby games but after about 30 minutes in Stillwater he seemed like such a wit and fount of wisdom and pathos to me. And I found myself looking at LaRene and other people in my life with just like a wonder of their depth and humanity and opinions and interests and well maybe its just like how after you do a 24-Hour Prayer-and-Fasting-for-Rain even the crumbs at the bottom of the dorito bag taste so magical (no offense) so do these homeschooling jesus sex books teach us its a wonderful life I say these things in the name of jesus christ Amen.

Categories
LEARNING DAY

Learning Day: What Makes a Woman GIB?

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Categories
LEARNING DAY

Learning Day: The Frank Frazetta Museum 🌭

Yes hello to this weiner bunch. Well a while back i started to get that real strong PULL in my head again and a course the sorta scatman crothers wakin-dreams, i couldnt remember the details but I knew they was real important and tellin me it is time again to journey fourth, this time to the East for reasons there to be disenveiled. I didnt even have to tell LaRene she also sensed it so she packed up about a dozen loaves of zuchine bread for me (with nuts even though i dont like em she knew I’d need the protein) and I told Trayton: be good just cuz i’m gone for a bit doesnt mean you can start sleepin in Rabbit’s dog-crate again, and they saw me out to the 92 civic we keep around for hi-way driving and hugs of course and off I went!

Well we had to jump the battery first but then off I went! With nary a map or destination only my kinda ESP GPS and my 1900HOTDOG Diners Club Card but I trusted that would be enough.

And pretty easygoing at first honestly just me and the road and some music from the library and I got all the way to Alliance, Nebraska when i got my first sense of: somethins about to change. So I asked the fella at the Maverik there (nice kid, i was offerin to trade him some zuchine bread for slices of the older pizza in the warmer and he said just take em), i asked him “When’s the next Maverik after this one?” and he said “Goin’ east?” and i said yep and he said “Nope, aint any more Maveriks that way only Flyin-Js.” which we both spit on the ground about that and I thanked him and went outside lookin at the gatherin darkness and took it in that i had reached the verily edge of my known realm.

Well i’ll not go into detail about the rest of the journey but it was some days and nights an there were many ventures and happenins along the way. There was the Corn Wolf of course and I had to answer his Vittle-Riddles to gain passage. And then outside a St. Louis was the beautiful but treachersome Sauce Sirens what emit a seductful and enticin’ hickory-vinegar smell to lure the unsuspectin and I had to plug up my nose with the zuchine bread lest i dash the Civic up on the bales there. And then the fearsome Anabaptist Kratom Raiders who was actually pretty nice once i offered to share my pizzas with em but always followin that PULL in my head like some kinda brain mapquest: East and Easter still into strange lands with service-stations like i never seen before with bitcoin atms and interestin arts:

And candy-toys with unpleasant names:

What kinda tasted more like scabs than candy, but I think Trayton will like the jeep sticker.

And then at last ‘ppeared the twin stone guardians what told me i was pretty much arrived at my destination:

So i parked up the civic and patted her grateful-like for wasnt she a good an faithful steed and approached the portentious buildin what my brain was tellin me go inside there.

And upon openin up the door mine eyes did beheld a cavern of treasures most precious and beautiful!

Many of em which tempted me but I knew i had to follow my psychic guide to the ultimate end of my journey and so i stayed that path until i reached the far end of this treasury and this is what it was i had been called to witness:

So i nodded and said “yep” to myself and thats the spiritual part of this journey over. 

And it’s pretty convenient that a quickly-resolved psychical urge helped advance this-here story about:

And yes right away there was a girl come up sayin sir theres a $15 required donation, which you know what? I paid it gladly because Frank Frazetta is a favorite artist of mine and this museum is the building what used to be his studio where i could look at many of his works up close for as long as i wanted. If your not sure you know who Frank Frazetta is I bet you do actually, like if you had a older cousin what made his own weapons than you probably seen these:

Or if your a fan of cool animal drawings that sometimes include human figures for scale:

And theres even a pretty strong 1900HOTDOG connection:

But if you STILL dont know who im talking about well surely there isnt anyone reading here today whos got this far in life without watchin what is for-real a masterpiece of rotorscoped animation i’m of course talking about when Frazetta teamed up with Bakshi and made:

Which in the museum they have it playin on a infinity loop:

A man could get trapped there til security poked im. 

And you can probly see theres just all kinda special Frazetta memoriables all over the museum like pictures of Frank and his special friends such as Cobra:

And Clyde’s dad:

And Dave Mustaine’s understudy:

And i dont know who this one is:

But hes got that lollipop head so probably a actor? (Frazetta there you might could tell had a stroke near the end and had to relearn paintin left-handed)

So i’m enjoying myself learning about Franks life and neat pop-culture stuff but honestly mostly just looking at what to me is evidence that even though i cant really define it there is such a thing as talent and there’s people what have it and some mix of fortune and effort lets em make real good use of it, i mean look at how much life and sexy and personality there is in just this lil newspaper comic:

But then as i’m walking around i start to notice some things about this museum like its not the tidiest:

And somebodys been using the Fire-and-Ice tv for non-museum purposes:

And the workers are just kinda setup wherever with dunkin-donuts right next to the million-dollar arts:

And then I hear the gift-shop girl talkin to the lady doin the tours and to the older guy who is just kinda wanderin around and arguin about whose car has enough room for the stuff for a trade-show and tryin to explain what “hi-res images” means to each other and did they e-mail em and we better call Will to make sure and you know what? I worked in enough disfunctionin samwhich shops and pizzarias and gas-stations in my time to know that this all is addin up to:

This museum of priceless irreplaceable and pretty much iconical art of a once of a generation talent is: Family-Owned and -Operated.

So some of you might be like me and just even that phrase brings up black-and-white war memories of owners’ kids comin in real late to make themselves a pizza after you already cleaned up for the night or ugly husband/wife arguments happening right in front of the customers who just wanna pay for there slimjims or the one son takin money from the til sayin his dad said he could (but he didnt) or findin out you accidentally took a side in some anscient family feud by sayin hi to the one sister when she came in so you can guess i needed a minute here to process. Out i went to breathe a little bit but now that mine eyes were opened to the nature of this outfit, stuff i had kinda noticed on the way in now had a differnt countenance to me. Like I seen the place didnt look super kept, but first I thought maybe it was on purpose to show how the Artist drew Insparation from his Environment and cant we dissern parallels between his daily world and his creative outputs like:

RUIN OF ONCE-GREAT CIVILAZATION

MANS VIOLENSE AGAINST NATURE

THUNDERSOME MOUNTS WHAT HAVE WELL-EARNED THERE REST

THE INEVITABILTY OF DECAY AND ENTERPY

FELINE-SENSUALITY

AND SEXUAL FRUSTATION

But now it didnt seem real epic and heroic anymore just more like no-one was botherin to keep up the place. So i was a little bummed but I still wanted to get some tradin cards so I went back in and the girl at the counter at first seemed annoyed that i was askin questions about everything and she just kept saying: “That was my grandpa’s I don’t know anything about it.” But then her mom came by and accidentally took a sip of the wrong Dunkin Donuts and made a yucky face and said “Ew that one has sugar!” and the girl rolled her eyes and I said “My wife does that exact same thing haha!” and the girl laughed and was like “So dramatic!” and the mom kinda embarassed smiled and said so do you want the tour? And I said sure and she started show-and-tellin me about her father-in-laws art and his life and i learned that Frank loved his wife Ellie very much and she was the one that made sure that his art was never too dirty or ungodly here is his painting of her:

Except heres one she thought WAS pornographic and blasphemous so before she died she made the kids promise that they would never-ever take it out to show it and they kept that promise…

…by keepin it on its easel and its the first thing you see when you walk in.

Frank himself was also intents on keepin things family-friendly, here’s a memo he wrote about Fire and Ice:

In case you dont want to read the whole thing he says he taught the actors how to KILL FRAZETTA STYLE and invented ROLLING UP NEWSPAPERS IN LUI OF PHONEY WEAPONS and was THE IRON HAND IN MAINTAINING THAT THE FILM BE KEPT CLEAN

AND

INOFFENSIVE

(no ironhand about the racism though)

And I learned other interesting things like how Frank had 4 kids including Frank Jr. (who was the guy wanderin around) and it was his idea to start the museum but the other 3 kids didnt want to donate the paintings they inherited so theyre pretty selfish but also when they sell theres, all of the paintings in the museum get more valuable so also theyre pretty dumb.  

The Mom was real proud of her family too, she said how Frank Jr. coulda been a artist like his dad probly and Frank Jr. came around then and said yeah but when he got to anatomy classes that was like math to him and his brain doesnt work that way. (Also he told a pretty long story about how the guy from Metallica bragged about his real expensive bathroom and Frank Jr. didnt think much of that.) And the mom said that her own daughter (not the one working that day, a older one) was a excellent artist too and heres a album of her drawings so everyone can see how she “really captures the Frazetta Face.”

Which i wanted to see that but I got distracted by some other albums that were on the same table which were full of strange photos i didnt understand at first like:

They look fancy and famous like I SHOULD recognize em but I dont really. That couple on the right there looks pretty happy together though, something tells me their gonna be ok.

But then some of em started looking ACTUALLY familiar like hey.

I’m pretty sure that guy made Mission Earth!

And:

I think was she was the queen of pop!!

And then hold on just hold on is that…?

It totally is!

That’s Trilogy of Terror’s Karen Black!!!

And i think i remember reading about her wasnt she a big…

Oh yeah ok i know what these are now: Elrond Hubbard liked Frazetta and got him to do some of his book covers and I guess Frank went out to LA for some of their Sciencetonomy parties. Look: he kept the program too and put it in his scrapbook:

But where were we oh yeah we were gonna look at Frank’s granddaughters art which her mom said you could see she got some of her grampas talent, here we go:

And lookin at this well, is where my heart grew three sizes that day on the whole family-business thing. ‘Cause here’s this mom and dad surrounded by and curatin’ these real expensive master’s pieces but the thing they kinda talk most about and want to make sure everybody sees is the cute drawings their girl did when she was little, which: I can relate real hard. (And not just the parents, later I saw that somebody had covered up the kid drawings book with the scientomony scrapbooks and the daughter went over and made sure her big sisters book was back on top.) So anyway it made me think it’d be pretty weird and hard in a way i hadnt considered to have your dad/grandpa be real famous and talented and your probly torn between wanting to make a living from his work but also bein real tired of talkin about him to weird scifi nerds for your whole life. Like imagine if a big part of your job was signing books of art that you didnt make and didnt even write, just because you had the same name as your dad:

And probly practiced a lot to make your signature look like his, I guess.

Anyway they still had more kinda salty things to say about the other siblings and haters on Facebooks and such but for me now it was feelin like they were just about as bickery and ‘fectionate and shitty and lovey and lazy and doin-there-best as any other family and they were real nice to me personally and asked about where did i drive from and did i have any questions and take all the pitchers i want and gave me a discount on a book I knew LaRene would like…

…and told me what was a good place to get food (Alaska Pete’s, I got the Philly-Cheese-Steak Spring-Rolls to be like a local) and wished me safe-drivin home and even took a picture of me and Frank Jr.

And yeah maybe they never talked about the part of the museums history when Frank Jr. got arrested for breakin in with a backhoe and steallin about $20 million dollars worth of paintins but i guess maybe all i can say about that is: its probly good luck i never had access to a backhoe on MY worst night In the name of Jesus Christ amen.

Categories
FUCKING DAY

Fucking Day: SUPERSEX! 🌭

Well how-hot-dog-do-ya to-ya its me Sissyneck, today we’re just gonna say right off the bat here that this article is one in the 1900HOTDOG Marital Aid series (its not TOO dirty, a few notches above a Tanya Roberts PG maybe) so take your regular percautions, whether thats making the browser window real small right in the corner of you’re work computer screen and reading the whole thing in kinda a sweaty panic, or taking a longish bathroom break with your phone or hell: me and LaRene have learnt that sometimes you might SAY your readin something saucy as a goof but it might turn out your homogenous zones dont get the message its just a joke and honestly: thats just good fun. So maybe if you got the time an privacy an inclination: go ahead and put on your softest flannel and set up your backrest pillow and perhaps some sensual music and take your time reading this one to yourself or to a willin pard or even as we shall see: pards.

So today we will be considerin a book of the type you might have found in the closet of your friends older brother-in-law who had boobie-mags or the back room of a used bookstore they would kick you out if they found you in there or even, depending on your upbringins, your parents had a copy in their nightstand, which is:

You may recall that we have happen up on Xaviera in our past adventures, she was sellin some labious jewelries and in case you dont know, she was pretty famous: she wrote a advice column for Penthouse because of she was qualified by her history of being a sexworker who got arrested and deported but first she ran a brothel called The Vertical Whorehouse. Which I don’t know if it was the house that was vertical or the workers or her marketing strategy because she also had a board-game:

And wrist-watches for maybe a cool bachelor uncle who would get upset if someone asked him can you please not wear that one to the wedding ceremony:

(He’d still wear it I think and kinda nudge you and show you every time its 3:15 or 6:35 or whatever and you’d laugh despite or account a because its getting uncomfortable.)

And Xaviera also had a musical perswasian (careful if you click on that one it is safe but the song WILL get in your head and you might not realize your singing it out loud and try to explain to your coworkers its a unreleased Queen song but i don’t think they believed me.)

Anyway back to books, she also wrote a BUNCH of them and I for a while thought it might be another Franklin W. Dixon betrayal where your favorite writer turns out to be a dumb committee but it looks like Xaviera is real and still alive actually!

The internet has some new versions of SUPERSEX but mine is from 1971 itself. I found it at the Friends of the Libary booksale and was a little nervous about who would see me buy it so i also got about 12 James Michener novels for camouflauge (and a nice Chet Atkins double LP I didn’t know they sold vinyl) anyway my copy has a warm inscription:

Which the mind reels a bit with speculation doesn’t it, about Michael and Mimi and John and how they came to be the type of friends that would give such a gift with such a message did Mimi and John perhaps give their buddy Michael a ride home from the circuit finals rodeo in ‘73 and the excitement and heat of that august night and the earthy smells of Wrangler and wool and truck seat cover there with Mimi in the middle and all three of em not looking at but completely aware of that extra long extra slender gear shifter with the handle-knob on top worn smooth from Johns expert touch just BUZZIN there against Mimi’s thigh until she can’t keep it in anymore: a soft moan escapes her rural lips and she clutches em both by the leg and then they did look and at each other too and with a meaningful slight smile John turnt on the blinker and off onto a side road none of them had never dreamed they’d ever travel, let alone, together…

Ah well let’s get er back on track here and see if we can’t learn something to enrich our bedroom times.

This book is actually pretty dents with information so i’ll break it down into manageful chunks so you can get the main themes and flavors:

Erotick Celebrity Guest Stars

Xaviera understand that fame is sometimes its own sexual dynamite and so she sprinkles her books with some tarantalizin cameos guaranteed to red your blood right up for example:

Sound the arousal siren! Thats powerful sexual but in way as maybe a David Letterman type might say ‘we got a woody here’ real sly with a part of a smile that let’s you inside the joke so you could snicker when even your grandma was was around so’s you had pausable denyability. 

Weeee-ooo-weeee-ooo what a dirty-boy maybe more like Benjamin Fucklin!? No, that one felt like me trying to hard to fit in with the other dirty jokers around here. C’mon Sissyneck to your OWN voice be truth! 

Who turned off the arousal siren?  Seriously turn it back on this right-here is a erotic gravel pit of pleasure-treasure.

Yes another thing that is not for women only is: Barbara Walters! NOW we are getting wet/hard/wide/etc.

Consensual or Nonsensual?

Well another recurrant theme is that it appears that maybe thinking has changed over time about what is okay to do without asking for example:

I mean MAAAAAYBE with a lot of communication ahead of time and pre-consent and boundaries and trust and such but even then I think we could probably still find a better name.

Yes again I know clear and direct communication is not super-sexy purrsay but it might be worth it to avoid some issues and also our cover IS attractive and fluffy but I feel like Nemo starin up into our openins might make me self-conscience.

The Unbidden Snowball eh? Well this one is maybe at least a equality in sexual ambush but still.

I played this one out in my head: okay so it’s me and lets say Doyle Jensen talkin about this ahead of time and agreein to set it up? Out-loud promising no motel monkey business (a fib), which is pretty-much a knowledgement that the person promisin it thought about motel monkey business? LaRene and Marjorie bein up for non-private monkey business?  Me and Doyle bein up for monkey business in the company of Doyle and me, respectively? Sorry Xaviera its just red lights all the way down this street.

The Times They Have a Changed

Now I am not pretending I am the most super-experienced sexual Lutharion and I am happy to think that there are things I never heard about that would be interestin to try with a gameful pard, but some of these I just dont know if theyre a thing like:

I’m not saying puttin fun parts in untraditional places isnt done but these specific instructions about you also either got to pretend to run very fast or do whatever dance that is? Well let me look it up here don’t tell the librarian.

Okay I found lots of videos of armpit pleasurin but no sprintin about like the t1000 or dancin while doin so, so.

Well we got all sorts of judgements in this one around orientation and identity and genitals and then sure while your being mean I guess why not top it off with some racism at the end but also just: really? Hold on I’m lookin this one up too tell me if the librarian starts coming over.

Now I’m not claimin my search was exhaustive but I didnt see any empiracial support for this one.

So I dont know why we’re given credit to our Albionese cousins for this one and personally I have both those items equipped but I feel like you really dont want to introduce certain funguses to certain membranes but maybe other people…hold on again keep an eye out.

Okay so this one is definitely a thing I guess today is a Learning Day for sissyneck, good for you adventuresome folks out there enjoyin your good toenail health!

This one I think even Xaviera maybe realized she went too far and was propagandin some sexy myths because…

…she backs off the jellyfish thing pretty quick and kinda disowns it like: ew who would even do that but you know what DOES feel good? is stingin nettle on your butt-cheeks and then someone hits you there, which: c’mon now.

Nope nope I was wrong I just looked there are many many videos and practitioners of nettle-play out there. The world is wider than I knew and I am enhumbled.  I still doubt about the jellyfish though.

Yes this seems like some silly 70s-style psychoanalacysts. You know what else is a tight coil? Most duck’s johnsons but i dont think anyone is sayin that means all waterfoul are into butt stuff. 

Lets just say that maybe the written parts of SUPERSEX are kinda a mixed bag. But luckily Xaviera understands the sexual mind is not only a organ of words and text but pictures are also pretty important. If you do buy the new computersized version of this book it is my for-sincerely hope that it includes the original illustrations by one Robert Baxter who as a artist is real talented and made me interested in his style (bet you never thought you’d find ol sissyneck spending his library computer time searchin up Egon Schiele). My only thing is, sometimes his facial expressions…well I just don’t know if the first word you want to think of when your looking at the faces of sexy picture people is: Haunted. 

Here I will show you, we will make this interactive like a 90s Osha training, first we’ll see the expression by itself and you guess with me what is the context and then we will look at the answer, ready? Ok: My guess for above would be: “Prince Gloom realizes the pitysome hag he just pushed over the battlement wall was, in ironic fact, his beloved Unicorn Princess, transfiggerd by a evil curse.”  

But really:

Okay how about this one:

Um maybe: “Debra contemplates that she didn’t not only inherit her mother’s passtive-agresstive tendencys but also her eye bags.”  

But really:

Okay next is:

“Hell Jake, I’m startin’ to doubt if we’ll ever get these beeves up to Missoula now that we lost Cal to them water moccasins and I never told him but he was my best friend too.”  

But really:

Another one is:

“Dearheart, I anticipationed that that fart would be of a mild odor or at worst moderate I did not realize the chorcheezo had completed its passage of me I am so sorry and ashame. Forgive me my love.”

Also probably shes saying: “No never.”

But really:

Okay one more it is our last chance:

“It is painful for me to consider there might not be a place for such as I in this party I was excited might accept me.”

But really:

Oh hey, we got one right!

But not all of em has everybody despaired, for instance she looks pretty happy:

Which with that one the mind reels a bit with speculation doesn’t it? About we can kinda imagine if we were at the Friends of the Libary book-sale and asked a volunteer: any chance of good Louis Lamours this year? And he said I heard theres some rare items of what you seek back in the Collectors Corner and pointed but he kinda winked weird when he said it and even a touch of the fey ‘bout his puckish smile and when we looked back to thank him he was nowhere to be seen, and then when we entered the Collectors Corner there wasnt anyone else in there which thats unusual but there was a sign saying “GOOD COWBOY BOOKS” with a arrow pointing up one of them book ladders so we started to assend and as we climbed we could smell the familiar and welcome book-sale odor of delicate folds long bound in darkness but ready for discovery with just a touch of damp but also a LESS familiar but just as welcome odor of delicate folds long bound in darkness but ready nay achin for discovery with much more than just a touch of damp and our hand reaches the final rung and…

Well anyway we better keep going there’s another important lesson the artist Baxter teaches us, I suspect with the input of Xaviera herself which is the powerful erotic potential of: Upholstery Patterns. 

But not every illustration is in need of such adornament a good artist knows when NOT to guild the lily for example:

Which with that one the mind reels a bit with speculation doesn’t it…

You know I wonder…

Uh-oh:

Welp there tellin me I got to leave the library now in the name of jesus christ amen.

Categories
LEARNING DAY

Learning Day: Link 🌭

Hello to this gathered congregation of Hot Dog there is an importants to our conversation today,I don’t want to blindside you to much so if you can take a moment to calibrate your emotions towards the somber.  Maybe remember how you felt when you sat down to watch a funny episode of Family Ties but it was the one where Tom Hanks has a drinking problem, that might be how we at least have to start out today, but perhaps? Not end there.

So I know we all turn to our morning HotDog e-mail for a little lightness and a giggle to leaven the heaviness that will surely arrive during the rest of the day, but right now I wanna acknowledge that there were times when this hasn’t been so much the case for a certain group of people, specifically days:

Nerding, 06/17/20: An Ape History of Donkey Kong Ripoffs 

Upsetting, 03/05/21: The Lawnmower Man

Nerding, 08/22/22: Going Bananas

In case you don’t understand yet the commonamality in those is that they all feature depictions and descriptions of: m*nkeys. And then almost every Appreciation Day ever those are a nice INTENT but sometimes the actual IMPACT is not so nice for those of us who, honestly? Would rather confront the dick rip than the great ape because of our ongoing experience of the condition diagnosticianally labeled as: Pithecophobia: aka Fear of the Deadly, Horrific Ape and his Carelessly Destructive Simian Brothers.  

Now I admit it we are a small community, there is not a wikipedia page for us or even a wiki-why only a old article I’m not even sure if its serious. And our letter-writing campaign has not yet resulted in DSM enclusion but as you can see from the comments on this non-pedia wiki page: we EXIST dammit! I appreciate how in those comments people tell how they’re condition developed, e.g. through a Scooby-Doo episode or the story of Travis the Chimp. For me personally it was a cumulation of I saw that Clint Eastwood horror movie at a tender age:

That and the unsettlin implications of Trading Places:

Plus then what really sealed the deal was the arrival to my hometown of Tumwater, WA of what I have to believe was a unlicensed circus outfit where I got separated from my gramma in one of the side tents:

And I will not share more details about that at this time.

Excuse me for a minute I’m gonna need just a minute here.

Ok, I’m ok again. So what you must understand about Pithecrophabia is that many of us are able to lead normal and healthy lives and it is only certain situations where there is problematic avoidins. I myself have held some jobs and travelled to neighboring counties and even have a robust monopolous love life but then here comes 1900hotdog and yes, it is a source of great succor and joy to me, but what about all these m*nkeys that keep showing up in the blog posts!?  

SOMEtimes there’s a kind of warning in the title or that its Upsetting Day, but other days they just kind of jump out at you with no warning (Lydia I want you to know I am not blaming you that I had to take a Health and Personal day on mind-ray-orangutan day, you couldn’t’ve known not what you did) and don’t even get me started on what happened in the discord after the Congo podcast..  

So my having to turn away from certain HotDog contents this was a loss to me, and I wanted to increase my cog native flexibility to fully participate in this community and maybe even one day make it to the end of the Lawnmower Man article without needing LaRene there to read it allowed and substitute all ‘chimps’ for ‘sloths’ which retain a bit of the monkey aura but are too slow to be frightenin and not enough man in the eyes.  

So I remembered what the school counselor told us when Trayton wouldn’t use the bathroom by himself any more after he got a rodent fear from watching that one part of Lady and the Tramp, about a “Exposure High Archy” and showed us a good example of one if your afraid of throwing up and what I learned most was: 

A] Start Where You Are (for e.g. the full-size gummy rat we bought for Trayton was Too Much Too Soon) and: 

b] A Small Step It’s Still a Step (also e.g. Trayton walking past the PetSmart mice first with “Eyes-Closed-and-Listening-to-C418-on-Headphones” and then progressing to: “Just Eyes-Closed” might not seem like much, however that is a Exposure “Win”) but most importantly: 

3) Warm-Patience and Self-Compassion, which honestly LaRene and I do feel those for Trayton and was pretty proud when he started to do number ones by himself again and I know he’ll get back to toilet sitting too so I decided to give the same help to this other little guy (me). And some might say that sounds pretty soft or unmanly and to them I’d say well do you wanna do what SHOULD work, or what DOES work? And you know what? I have some ways to go still but it IS working pretty good and so I thought I’d share what I did here in case any of you have the m*nkey thing or maybe want to adapt it for Sudden Snakes or baby hands or night-time gas pumping or whatever. 

(NOTE: Sissyneck’s qualifications as a exposure coach is unverificationed at this time, any treatments should only be undertook with the Super Vision of a local therapist or chiraproctor or a older cousin that maybe did some time in the Peace Core).

So the way I chose to confront my distress was through the viewing of the 1986 film Link (link) for reasons that will clear up as we go.  We’ll view a few images from the film at each level of subjection distress and then take a break, look at a calmin picture (also from the film) and breath deeply before we move on. And hey: nobody is expecting you to make it all the way through right away, if you happen to share my afflecktion, please go at a pace that is tolerable for your comfort and organ constitution.

For our purposes you don’t need to know about the plot other than its sort of like The Birds except in the 80s and in Britain and with m*nkeys. The guy who is General Zod is a professor who actually likes them.

And ethically studies them.

And then Ali from Karate Kid shows up and says she wants to help with his research.

And now you can maybe see why I chose this movie because of if your like me 80s Elisabeth Shue is such a kinda avatar of nostalgic innocents and cute and calm such that it sorta takes away some of the terror power of the simian beasts and this will be an important helpmeet for us.

Anyway at first Zod tells her no but then he remembers he needs someone to cook and clean at his big English house so he says yes and when she gets there right away we’re at step 1:

Ok as you can see we’re starting slow that’s the tityoular Link and even though he is veiled in shadow you might be able to see that he is doing the scary thing of wearing people clothes which is our first level of exposure.

And here we turn it up a bit with him fully-lit showing Elisabeth her quarters, observe he has recquired bow-tie agility even if it’s clip-on that’s too much:

And finally our last last step at this level is Link in sorta like morning-after-a-bachelor-party-went-wrong clothes.

It is the bunched-up sleeves I think that are almost as bad as the blood I don’t like the implimpcation that monkeys understand rolling sleeves because now they might also get casual vs formal roles and the inceassant eye-contact of course is not good. Also you might be noticing that even though the actor is a orangeutan they painted him black and gave him fake ears to make him portray a chimpanzee which: there might be a way to make a ethical joke about that but I have been trying without success and have had to accept that it is above my current skill level.

Ok so a important part of doing this work is keeping our promises to ourselves so even though this is only just a Level 1 Upsetting at this point we are still going to take a break to do some diaphragmentic breathing and look at a calmin image before we move on:

Ok how we feeling folks?  If you are ready let’s place a warm hand on are courageous hearts and continue our journey of growth.

Our next level of exposure has to do with the removal of one of our protections from ape assault and dismemberment: we have fire and they don’t and maybe they know that and maybe they don’t like it. But Link challenges our safeness by having kinda a uncle hairline and also with him being a ex-circus monkey guess what they taught him:

O. K.  Its getting a little shuddersome let’s do a deep breath in, hold it, deep breath out and:

That is just so irresponsible imagine what could happen if you let a naughty ape keep playing with matches in a old house with gas fixtures.

Exactly he has burnt it all and you can see how unbothered he is by the hellish destruction he has rot even though I bet there’s probably fine tapestries and exotic teas and such in there. It is ed xactly the unableness of the monkey to understand finer consequence that hurts to the heart of me. I imagine our emotional temperature is also getting up there, let’s bring it down, repeat after me: “I am in a ape-free environment right now and especially there aren’t any with the knowledge or matches to burn me up.” And let your eyes rest up on:

Now: I want you to be prepared we are moving up another level, so far the violence has just been implimpied and the destruction has been of property only but to meet our goal we must be exposured to images of a more direct and graphic nature:

Yes I was intentianal about easing us into this one; the death is of I think a plague-dog and it is in the service of protecting our Elisabeth (and the sort of Hitchcock cinematography here helps a little bit I think) but it is still time for us to confront our next level of:

Yes as Professor Zod explains earlier in the movie when Elisabeth wants to use positive enforcements on the m*nkeys: Link has the strength of 10 men you fool if you show a softness with him he will rend your neck from your head and that is very clear later in the movie when Link punishes a english man (or “Bloke”) for threatening one of his simian brethren and sort of seems surprised at his own strength (content warning: there are multiple non-human primates in this clip):

And then with this knowledge he pretty quick attempts apeslaughter on Elisabeth herself (comfort note: she is quick and strong and smart and survives this attempt):

Also I’m pretty sure that’s a british stunt woman (or “stuntbird”) at the end there, to my eye the hair is not as lustrous and lively as we know Elisabeth’s is. Well again at this point I invite you to check in with yourselves and determine if today is a day for continuing up this step-ladder of discomfort or if it is time for a Dr. Pepper break or even to call it a day and come back when we’re ready, let’s both me and you exercise a trust in you and me here.

Ok we welcome our brave decision to continue, whenever that may be that it happened and here we go:

Ok wow I realize I probably should’of let you know that was a double murder one, we learn that Link has killed Zod and then he just ENDS that lad. I apologize and I hope I can earn back your confidence over time it is through the process of rupture and repair that we strengthen our muscles AND relationships of trust. But gratefully that is the end of our Step 3 exposures and we can now take a well-deserved calming imagery break:

Ok folks you may have noticed we are at our ultimate level of m*nkey-fear exposure practice, I am feeling pretty good about preceding but that is my experience for me and it is up to you to decide if and how and when and how you’d like to scroll down to continue.  

In your own time:

Oh no. I expect you can now maybe guess what is our final boss in this campaign against our own human frailty:

Hot Dog Children I invite you to do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself if you choose to preceed at this juncture, truly we are at a point where even the non-pithecophobic might quayle and do that nuh-uh swipe on their phone like when you see the wrong parts of reddit too early in the morning. Perhaps prepare a favorite tea or light your best yankee candle or put on some Enya before you keep going.

Shhhhh oh honey oh sweetie there there I know this one hurts I am right there with you with tears in my eyes, but if my internet presence isn’t enough and you want to keep going I invite you at this point to go get a trusted friend or family member who’s hand you can squeeze or who’s nails you can bite for support. There is just one more I promise but I had to split it into three gifs Patreon is not really set up as a therapy tool.

If You Believe You are Ready, than I Believe You Too:

OKAY ok breath out just breathe it out we saw it together we both saw those eyes and why did they have to flick downword and that slightest of unnatural smiles and no orangeutang is that good of a actor we know what Link was for real thinking and it should never be a cross-species thought which is: “Nice.” 

But just breath it out push the air out, here is our oasis:

Well. We have returned from the dark cold of Outer Space of emotional fear, that is behind us now and we have both our feet and maybe even our bottoms firmly planted in the warm sand of Here and Safe and Now. Take a look around you and take in the sights and the sounds and smells and think of the connection you are having with the other brave Hot Dog readers who are here with us either now or in their own chosen future time and you know what? I’m proud of you.

And maybe you can guess who else is too:

In the Name of Jesus Christ Amen.